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“Hey, I need to talk to you about something,” I said, falling onto the couch. Lila sat down on the corner a few feet away from me.
“What’s up?” she asked. She was staring intently at me. I could tell she was trying to figure out what was going through my head, anticipating what I was about to drop on her. I don’t normally start conversations by saying, ‘I need to talk to you about something,’ so I could tell she thought something was up. I gazed into the ottoman in front of me, searching for the right words.
“I’m going through something right now,” I spat out. “There’s…something going on with me. I’m not the same person I was when we met. I don’t know if you notice it or not, but I definitely do.”
Lila adjusted in her seat. She put her hand on the side of her face, leaning against the back of the couch.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
I laid it all out. I’ve gone through something like this twice before. I remember clearly sitting on my bed in high school, staring at the ceiling and feeling completely numb. I remember it again in college, and it happened again a few weeks ago. My confidence is gone. More and more people are asking me if I’m okay at work. I can’t control what or how much I’m eating. I’ve started smoking again. I haven’t been able to write anything of substance in weeks. Compared to March, this is a complete 180 degree behavioral change.
I told all of this to Lila and watched her nod along. It was obvious that, of anything that could have come out of my mouth, this was the last thing she expected. There was sympathy behind her eyes, so much that I wasn’t able to look straight into them. At the end of my speech, a pause hung in the air. She looked at me.
“This is a very ‘Lila’ thing to say, but is there anything I can do?”
“That’s actually why I wanted to talk to you,” I said. “I need to take some time and figure my shit out. I don’t know what’s causing this, I can’t pinpoint it. I think the best thing for me right now is to back up, get some room to breathe and clear my head. I’m going to tell this to Hillary and all them when I see them tomorrow, but I wanted to talk about this in person.”
She nodded. I could tell she felt defeated. I felt awful. One of the worst things you can do to someone who truly cares about your wellbeing is to tell them there’s really nothing they can do to help you. Sure, they can listen and let you vent, but at the end of the day, there’s a weird yearning to give you the answer. They want to give some amazing advice that changes your outlook on everything and fixes you, but really the key is just being there.
“I’m planning on looking up some therapists in the area and going from there,” I continued. “And it’s not like I’m planning on holing up in my room alone for the next month like a teenager who just learned about My Chemical Romance. I just need some time away from everyone to think about me.”
“Okay,” she responded, “I know you said you can’t pinpoint the cause, but can you at least think of a point in time when you started noticing this?”
It was a good question. It seemed like forever, but I knew that wasn’t true. I looked back over the last month or so and could think of a few contributing factors. I don’t want to get into it because, frankly, I’m already getting vulnerable in front of a huge audience. I’d rather not talk about the events that are super personal to me.
Either way, I told her some of the things that came to mind and she sympathized with me. When someone tells you something that you can’t even imagine going through, it’s always hard to figure out what to say. You can try to empathize, put yourself in their shoes and hope you provide that magic key that makes it all better, but most of the time that doesn’t work. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting Lila to say. I knew she’s never really gone through something like this before, and I know she just wants to be able to help.
“Well Charlie,” she said, “I’ll be honest. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. I’ve never had something like that before, and I can’t speak to this experience. But I want you to know that I’m here for you if you need anything.”
Nailed it.
The intensity of the conversation died down and we returned to our regularly scheduled programming: ordering in food and watching some movie. Tonight’s pick was Hopcat and Manchester By The Sea—which, in retrospect, was a decision that I can only look back at and say, “C’mon, man.”
That was Friday night. I spent Saturday reading and writing, caught dinner with some other friends that night to have the same talk, and then spent Saturday night and all of Sunday laying low. Writing, reading, cooking, doing laundry, and looking up doctors in the area that I can talk to.
And honestly, it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made in a very long time. It hasn’t even been a full 24 hours and I feel better. I’m not there yet, but there’s a sense of normalcy restored in me. That’s the first step. Gotta start somewhere..
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
@therescharlie
@herescharlie
herescharlie
You don’t need unsolicited tips from a complete stranger on the internet. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to offer what I can based on personal experience that seems closely related to what you’re dealing with now:
• Make a conscious effort to eliminate negative influences in your life. Yeah, I know this sounds like a bunch of hippy-dippy bullshit, but it’s been scientifically proven that distancing ourselves from these things has a significant impact on our mental health. This includes outside influences such as social media, “stuff” (material things old & new), friends/family/colleagues, our work environment, and everything else we feel compelled to go along with that doesn’t contribute to our overall happiness.
• Talk to people about how you’re feeling, even when you know there’s nothing concrete they can do to help. (Sounds like you’ve already got this one in the bag and I’d like to encourage you to continue this trend.)
• Diet and exercise — I’m not talking about getting swole, just making a concerted effort to get your blood flowing, spending enough time with our friend The Sun, and eliminating junk/sugary foods from your diet. Contrary to what some radically traditional Gen X-ers believe, our brain – which, if you didn’t know, is responsible for facilitating our emotions – is influenced by the presence (or absence) of a handful of different neurochemicals, each of which has a very specific role to play. Maintaining a proper balance of these organic molecules and peptides is essential to achieving high-quality mental health, and their existence relies entirely on the ways in which we fuel our body.
You and I will never meet IRL. We’ll never be friends or even shoot the shit over a cold beer. But, for what it’s worth, I do hope you’re able to get out of this hole, and that one day in the near future you’ll look back on this season of your life and be glad to have moved on from it. Mental health is extremely important to me, and I wish it was taken more seriously by the general population. You’re not a “pussy” for bringing it up or feeling this way, and anyone who thinks you are is clearly too afraid to confront their own personal demons.
Kudos to you for confronting the issue head-on rather than brushing it aside out of fear of being judged by your peers.
This is a very much a first time caller/long time reader comment, but I genuinely hope it finds you well Charlie. The responses in the comments have been so on point, but I felt like there was one comment/thought that I felt was missing so I was compelled to share my own thoughts/experiences.
**This is going to be caveat’d to hell because I do not want to armchair diagnose, but more share more own experience. I obviously don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I felt compelled enough to create an account to share my own experience. Not looking to start a debate by any means.**
I know that talking to a therapist is a great idea, and I by no means want to put that down. I have personally been to a therapist and had a very good experience. But I want to clarify some comments here for your own knowledge and anyone else that might be going through something similar.
I would seriously consider as part of your search looking for a “psychiatrist” not necessary as opposed to, but at a minimum, in addition to a “therapist” or “psychotherapist”. I know this seems super pedantic, but the biggest difference is that a “psychiatrist” is an MD and is able to prescribe medication. Again, I don’t want this to be taken as a suggestion in any way that you need it, but the option is always there. Medication has personally been beneficial to me so that is why I felt compelled to say something. Nothing more, nothing less.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/couch-meets-world/201107/psychiatrist-psychotherapist-whos-who-in-mental-health
Godspeed Charlie, I hope you find the help (in whatever capacity) that you are looking for/need. I know I’m a random on here (right now), but if you’d like, feel free to DM me.
-Vic
“I’ve always viewed it as an upside down ‘wow'”
I quit working at shoprite and now I make $35h – $80h…how? I’m working online! My work didn’t exactly make me happy so I decided to take a chance on something new…after 4 years it was so hard to quit my day job but now I couldn’t be happier. Click Here And Go WebSite
Goddammit, Naomi, we’re trying to have a serious moment.
My ex went through something like this. And instead of taking responsibility and realizing he needed to find a way to work through it, he dumped me, completely shut me out, and spiraled into a really dark place. Now, several years later, he’s in a much better place and we have developed a friendship. Don’t be afraid to use the people in your life who care about you. They’re there to support you and it’s ok to recognize that you’re going through something hard. Clearly you have the right perspective and I know you’re going to be glad you handled yourself this way. Best of luck!
I have been through something like this many times. I wish I had used your coping strategies the third time around — I waited until the fifth or sixth time, and I had to learn the hard way. Major congrats on recognizing the symptoms and calling a therapist. I may be an internet stranger, but I sincerely wish you the best on getting well again.
Charlie, I know that I’m a completely normal/positive person on here but I went through something very similar for awhile and it caused me to lose out on a very important person in my life. Being alone and figuring yourself out is key, talking to someone helps (I used my friends and didn’t go to a therapist but probably should have), I found that doing yoga, listening to the right music that triggered positive thoughts, exercising, changing my diet completely, writing my asinine comments on here as a release, and focusing on hobbies that made me happy really got me out of the shit I was in. I know I just sounded like garbage hippy piece of shit but it actually works. Also, don’t take the drugs that the therapists will try to push on you. Dabble with the right doses of weed, lay off the drinking, and sprinkle in some LSD very rarely and your headspace will change drastically for the better. Also, if you need anything reach out
I agree with the LSD really helps you center your life if used very sparingly.
I have two things to say- get well soon Charlie.
The other thing I have to say is you need help picking movies. Under no circumstances do you watch Manchester by the Sea alone, that can put anyone into a funk.
Went to see it instead of la la land on a third date. It was an interesting choice on our part
Props for talking to friends about these kinds of things. I’ve always been too scared to tell anyone.
I wish everyone had your courage to seek help, Charlie. You’ll get through this.
Therapy can be an incredible thing- having a third unbiased party in your corner, no matter what. It sounds like you’re off to a healthy start already, so that’s half the battle there.
Mental health is just as important as physical health and seeing someone about it shouldn’t be shamed. It’s unfortunate a lot of people think seeing a therapist = bananaland. Good for you for recognizing the signs and asking for help!
Coming from someone who spent years digging herself out of the same feeling, I empathize. My personality is happy/goofy by nature, so it totally masked the insecurities that had complete control of my mind. It wasn’t until I finally started talking to friends/family about it that I made any real steps toward long term improvement. I have so much respect for you for seeking therapy. Just don’t forget to make a concerted effort each day to do something that makes you happy (though it looks like you are doing that already). You WILL come out of this with a confidence you didn’t know you could have.