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I hate clichés just as much as any self-respecting person. However, there is a sliver of truth to any cliché, so it should come as no surprise that while I really do try my hardest to not give into stereotypes, there are certain situations where I simply cannot do that. Case in point: my ex-girlfriend.
Julie, for all intents and purposes, is great. She’s got an ass that doesn’t quit. She’s young, has a seemingly endless amount of energy, and in general just makes me feel nice. I should be head over heels for this girl. But I’m not. No matter how hard I try, no matter who else I’m currently seeing, my ex is always in the back of my head. I’ll put her ahead of anyone else on a current roster for no other reason than that she lives a few blocks away from me. It’s frustration. It’s lust. It’s uncertainty. As the immortal Bob Marley once said, is this love?
I awoke promptly at 10:00 a.m. from a measly six hours of sleep with sand (?) in my hair and no clothes on. While many would assume because I woke up naked I was incredibly drunk, I actually kept it together quite well on Saturday. I just enjoy sleeping naked – drunk or sober. But that is neither here nor there. I have a very specific routine on Sunday mornings. I like to wake up no later than 9:00, at which point I’ll brew a pot of Folger’s, wash my bed sheets, and if my degenerate friends aren’t up for brunch by 11, I’ll make my own breakfast and eat it in the living room. This was not a routine Sunday morning, though. This was my last weekend in Chicago, so Thursday, Friday, and Saturday consisted of little more than drinking vast amounts of alcohol. Thursday was my birthday, and although I don’t like to make a big deal out of birthdays, me and a few close friends got after it pretty hard.
I was found at a hot dog stand about a mile from my apartment at 3:00 a.m. scarfing down a chili cheese dog and chasing it with cheese fries. I’m an abhorrent human being, but Julie, my new friend from Bumble was nice enough to walk me home. I don’t remember a whole lot other than waking up with her Friday morning and getting breakfast. I spent the rest of the afternoon packing clothing into suitcases and boxes for my move to Texas, and I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t enjoy a few Miller Lites while I did it. Friday and Saturday nights were more of the same. I’ve been on a very big tequila kick as of late and for the first time in a long time, I’m able to take shots of this particular liquid with little to no issue. I don’t necessarily think that’s a good thing, but it’s nice to not be gagging for once with a shot of liquor.
So Sunday morning rolled around, and Julie was again sleeping soundly next to me. I rolled over and checked my phone to run through my usual Snapchat, Instagram, twitter, and then Facebook if I’m really bored. There was a text waiting for me from her, though.
Ex: Hey what’s your plan for today?
Read: 10:05 AM
Me (lying): I’m just leaving the grocery store. I don’t really have plans yet
Ex: Well do you know what you’re wearing for the wedding? I need to get a dress still…
Read: 10:09 AM
Me: I guess I could use a new tie.
Ex: Okay, I’m working out really quick. You can meet me at my place at noon if that works.
Read: 10:20 AM
With plans for the day already in motion, I needed to wake Julie up. I’ve noticed that she has a tendency to sleep in (probably because she’s 21) but at this point, I was ready for her to leave. Yes, you’ve read that correctly. I kicked Julie out so I could see a girl who had at one time ripped my still-beating heart out of my chest and ate it in front of me. I quickly came up with a lie about how I needed to go to the dry cleaners and pick up some allergy medication minutes later. Julie was out the door by 11:00 a.m., which gave me just enough time to shower before I was out the door and getting on the train to my ex’s apartment.
We hit three stores totaling 45 minutes. By 1:30 p.m. we were back in her air conditioned apartment alternating between bedroom, kitchen counter, and couch. In that moment, I could have stayed there forever. And try as I might to understand the decisions I’ve made up to this point, it is quite hard for me. I left her place Sunday night with a strange sense of confidence. None of this matters anymore, I thought to myself. In one weeks time I won’t be in Chicago and this will all be in the rearview, right?
11:14 PM Monday Night
Ex: So when can I come visit you in Austin?
Fuck..
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
You are worried about someone who literally did not want you. Fuck her. Move on and enjoy Austin. If for no other reason I need more good shit to read on Tuesdays.
Ham is right. Things aren’t going to work out between you and the ex. Dragging it out won’t make things any easier for you trying to meet women in Austin. You need to have the talk with her. Hookup one last time though, you know, for old time sake.
I quit my office job and now I am getting paid 96 Dollars hourly. How? I work-over internet! My old work was making me miserable, so I was to try-something different. 2 years after…I can say my life is changed completely for the better!…A3..Check it out what i do…
——- PostJobs50.TK
You’ve gotten laid more in 24 hours than I have all fiscal year. Is it weird that I’m living vicariously through a guy I’ve never met?
Casually dropping FY’s as a point of reference, PGP
Move to Austin, never talk to her again. It’s that simple.
I get paid £96 every hour from online jobs. I never thought I’d be able to do it but my friend Pamela Peavey is earning £11k /monthly by doing this job and she showed me how…IS..Try it out on following website..
——– http://www.aspire-jobs.com
No one cares Librada. Also, pretty sure no one here uses £ so just fuck off already.
“New phone who dis?”
Fuck that chick. Southern girls are better anyway, Johnny D.
Sup
It’s true we are.
Texas isn’t the south, it’s the place the rest of America wishes we left to Mexico.
Sleeping naked is the only way to do it as far as I’m concerned. People who wear pajamas or whatever to bed are just weird.
Gym shorts, no undies. Your dong won’t fall out and no worry about dingleberries making direct contact with your sheets.
Or you could just NOT have dingleberries and sleep like nature intended, but OK.
I’m a morning showerer so therefore at a bit of an increased risk for berries come bedtime.
#TeamTwoShowers. Join the revolution.
Team toilet paper at least??? Good lord
Gotta think those in the cavemen had hella dingleberries. Gross I know but that’s probably as nature intended hence body hair.
“I’m free on the 5th of never, see you then”
Tell her you set her up with an uber in Austin but don’t tell her it actually came from Craigslist rideshare.
Send it.
My friends and I adopted this saying, and boy does it work wonders.
I see no harm in letting her visit Austin. No one really knows the situation you were in. My guess is she started reading these, got jealous–and started reaching back out.
You’re moving to a new city, no need to try to re-start a once failed, now potential long distance relationship. But also no reason to completely cut someone off. Enjoy your new city, and all that comes with it–and just change your no visitors attitude–I bet it’s much easier when everyone needs to take a plane to visit you.
Hard disagree. Speaking from experience, spending time on a distant ex once you’ve moved to a new city only takes away time you could be engaging in the chase in a whole new area. Either it fizzles out after a lot of wasted effort, or – god forbid – she actually moves there after you.
If the guy has time to fuck around sitting at brunch all day, I’m not too worried about him not having enough time to waste.
I can proudly say I’ve been following the chase since the first column about “Allison”. It’s been a hell of a ride and I hope it keeps going here in Texas as it’s all I have to look forward to on Tuesdays.
As far as the ex, I’ve 100% been there before, and within the past year actually. It’ll just take some time to realize why it never worked in the first place and you’ll let go. Definitely isn’t easy though.