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If there’s one consistency across the articles I’ve written here, it’s that I clearly have a love of and semi-dependency on alcohol. I feel comfortable admitting this because it’s pretty obvious that my fellow content creators and the commentariate do, too. I pay close attention to Nick’s drink lineups, because he’s a liar when he says he’s not a life coach. I’m also told that the weekly stories posts from the past weekend feature lots of drunken hilarity. I do not read these, because I don’t give a shit about you.
Like most of you, I originally focused on quantity over quality. As a part of this focus, I also kept my eye on the ABV of any drink, to ensure I was getting the maximum bang for my buck. Living in Tennessee, that usually meant looking for liquor produced in-state, as they were not subject to a couple of anti-competitive taxes that upped the prices of imported spirits. Handles of Evan Williams in Memphis are mad cheap.
Fast forward a couple of years. Out of college and employed, I was able to spend a little more to catch a buzz. I also started noticing that higher quality alcohols would minimize this heretofore unknown terror known as hangovers. This led me to branch out from the tried and true brews from the big three producers and begin experimenting with drinks that have grown into what is now known as the craft beer movement. The more I dabbled, the more I learned what I enjoyed.
I think you know where I’m going with this. Yes, I’m a beer snob, and yes, that makes me better than you.
It’s not that my palette is more refined than yours, it’s just that I have the ambition and derring-do to expand on my experiences and venture outside my comfort zone. This is what makes me a beer-bellied Hercules, and you a coward.
Why would you want to ingest round after round after round of the exact same beverage that’s been mass produced to the specifications of the lowest common denominator? That’s not an insult to the people that drink it, that’s just math when it comes to producing something that a billion people will buy. We are all special and unique snowflakes that have special and unique circumstances. If I just got done mowing the lawn on a hot day and I had three fried eggs for breakfast, maybe a Mike Lima isn’t perfect for me. But maybe, just MAYBE a witbier with hints of sunflower is.
And that’s the point. By expanding our repertoire to include the obscure and frightening, we are able to make more educated and nuanced decisions. With the explosion of available varieties, there is now a beer for every circumstance, and that’s something to be celebrated, not shunned. Are you next to a fire after a solid day on the slopes? That’s a stout sitch. At a ballgame in July? Come on with a kolsch. Fishing expeditions are almost always better suited with a sesh IPA.
Now I’m not here to denigrate people who prefer a macrobrew above others, I’m here to denigrate those that don’t know why they prefer that. As far as American pilsners are concerned, Miller Lite isn’t all that bad. I’m on the record as a fan of a good ol’ fashioned fatweiser. But if you’re just drinking beers purely to drink beers and say ‘dilly dilly,’ you’re an idiot, and yes, I’m better than you. How would you even know what beer pairs best with post-coital flag burning? You wouldn’t. (It’s the Tommyknocker Green Chile Lager, btw)
Anyways. The great warrior poet Curtis Jackson once said, “sunny days wouldn’t be special if it wasn’t for rain. Joy wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for pain.” Similarly, some geek once said that variety is the spice of life. The point is that if you rest on your laurels, you’re resting. If you actually show a little effort in life, you’re worth having a beer with..
Respond
Icehouse
International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.
@PJHart
@hart__attack
pjhart84
Coors Light pairs exquisitely with snowboarding and sneaking them on the chair lift and then after the fun is over, you realize you’re poor and gonna die someday and you just drank yellow pee water with a clever marketing scheme and life is pain and you still have to go to work until you drop dead and then you keep drinking Coors Light to try and forget all of that shit
Basically, what I’m sayin’, kids is invest in Constellation brands because alcohol stock spikes when ppl are happy and when they’re sad. It’s bulletproof so invest in your rollercoaster future with stability in mind
I’m gonna start writing down all your financial advice Nived. With Big Pizza last week and Macrobrew investments this week, we’ll all be set for life in no time.
They also just bought a 10% stake in a Canadian marijuana company in the process of developing THC drinks, so when the US eventually overrides Big Pharma and legalizes weed they’ll have a nice first mover advantage.
Have snuck Coors lights or an equivalent onto chairlifts too many times to count. Zero shame in it
I have homebrew in my kegerator right now made with hops I grew on my balcony. I still drink Coors Light 50% of the time I order beer at a bar. It’s cheap and it gets you where you need to go.
We get it, you went to Total Wine for the first time.
A reading from the gospel of 50
*fiddy
There are times when all you want is a Bud light or something similar. Can’t drink heavy beers tailgating or playing drinking games
In what universe are all craft beers heavy?
In my universe they are typically all heavy.. But that’s me.
You’re just wrong, man. Craft beer encompasses all possible beer styles. It just so happens that US macrobeer tends be dry lagers. There are a bajillion other dry styles of beer with middling alcohol content. When you say “heavy”, you mean high maltiness, high alcohol, high bitterness, or all three, and there are many many styles that don’t have any of that.
I enjoy that you wrote this article and yet your username is Icehouse. As someone who drank icehouse in college I raise my canned beer to you.
has anyone here heard of “natty daddy’s”?
I love this series so much
Bourban County Brand Stout comes out on Black Friday. It pairs well with poor decision reflection, and hope for a darker heavier future.
“By expanding our repertoire to include the obscure and frightening, we are able to make more educated and nuanced decisions.”
This is, objectively, the best take of all time re: beer choice. Bravo.