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There are a few things every week that almost every person participates in: sex (hopefully), fast food, and probably a set of the Sunday Scaries. That being said, something came to mind: “What if you compared fast food restaurants to the people you may sleep with.” The more and more I pondered this strange thought, I couldn’t help but find some undeniable correlations.
McDonald’s
The steady hookup you have that looks great in their profile pictures. However, when you get there you realize they must be a master with Facetune and angling the camera juuusssst right. But you’re horny hungry and you know it’ll be good anyways.
Taco Bell
You both matched at last call while you were drunk out of your mind, so now you’re in an Uber on the way to their place. It’s late, they’re available, and it’s wonderful at the time, but when you wake up in the morning, you’ll see the mess and feel like shit. Good thing you have a Pedialyte and some weed because you’re gonna Live Mas for breakfast that day too.
Burger King
The steady hookup that always wants to try something weird. It sounds like it could be hot, but when you actually do it, it’s just not good.
Chick-Fil-A
The one you take home on Friday night because you know they’re not open for business on Sundays. Ultra conservative in the bedroom because the only position they’ll do is missionary, but damn, they do it well. They used to spice things up in the morning, but they recently put an end to that.
Sonic
You don’t even have to get out of your car.
Local Chinese Joint
Twenty minutes later, you’re just going to be horny again.
Domino’s
All you have to do is text them some Emojis and they’ll be at your door in no time.
Popeye’s
On top of always showing up fifteen minutes late to everything, they literally don’t even try to listen to you. You’ll say you want to do it doggy style and they’ll climb on top, but it’s so good you don’t even care or bother to go correct them. You wanted it mild but got spicy, and you might even go back for a wing to go.
Jimmy John’s
They deliver, but they always come so quickly!
In-N-Out
They only stay local — you’re finally back in town, one thing led to another, and here you are. It’s 3 a.m. but you know you’ll be back there at some point again before the weekend is over.
Five Guys
Don’t judge.
Wendy’s
You haven’t seen each other in months but you randomly come across paths. You’re hungry and they’re open, so it’s great. You wonder why you stopped getting together in the first place. Then the next week you forget to go there again until eventually, months later, you run into each other again.
Subway
This is the one who says they’re a full six inches but never actually quite measure up. At the end of it, everyone leaves disappointed in their choices.
Little Caeser’s
They are literally almost always available, “Hot N’ Ready.”
Chipotle
Rumor has it that they gave somebody something a few months ago, so play it safe and make sure they wrap up their burrito.
Enjoy your lunches. .
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PostGradShibby
Same old Shibbster. Founder of #MargLife and the blumpkin beer craze. ShibbyTFM@Gmail.com
@DrShibby
Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s are the twins who look sexy in their pics but you later find out they’re actually catfishing you.
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How appropriate…
White Castle: the slob you run into at the bar, take home, enjoy alone, and hope nobody finds out about.
via GIPHY
Papa John’s: She’s annoying as fuck but you don’t care because it’s been awhile since your pepperoni stick got handled with a crafty artisanal touch. She calls you “daddy” as you kneed her dough except you tore a little black hole in the center of it that’s almost impossible to resist as you watch her lather your own sauce on it like an absolute savage. No need to worry though because that hole will only be filled with existential regret moments later. As you lay on your back filled with reprocessed garbage and sadness, she rolls over and looks you in the eye with a sort of innocent look and inquires about your thoughts on Peyton Manning. You immediately get a rush of energy to run out the door because you hate that guy and his massive forehead that’s hollow on the inside then flashes of his semi-retarded brother start to ruminate in your mind and you begin to understand what psychosis feels as that fucking terrible pass was caught on that guy’s helmet to ruin a perfect Patriots season which is also just in time to hear her faintly wring out “Come again!” As you stumble away to your car where you can’t find the fucking keys to put in the slot to unlock it even though you had the accuracy of Mark Wahlburg in that sniper movie as you were placing your meat baton into her ham cabin just moments before.
Dont forget shes all about lubrication….that melted garlic butter tho
Just died at “asks your thoughts on Peyton Manning”. Absolutely incredible.
Dude just write a column. Your posts are mini columns to begin with.
Submitted one today. Waiting on the verdict.
Arby’s: When your Horsey Sauce doesn’t care about the quality of the roast beef.
Crying
Well written, Shibby, but… why do I kind of want to have sex with a cheeseburger all of a sudden?
Don’t knock it until you try it.
My face reading this
Whataburger: She lets you have it anyway you want it especially after last call….double or triple meat shes a freak. Even if your not in the mood you’ll always eat that honey butter off her chicken biscuit.
Local pizza place: for when you want something quick and easy on your lunch break
Stock photo totally not NSFW
Minus the “not”
WOULD