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There are several points in one’s life when they come to the realization that they’re officially old. A simple way to gauge where you are in life is to take a trip to the mall. See how your recent experiences compare to that of your youth.
Here’s a look at how my last trip went down:
Parking
Youth: Looks like someone is pulling out of a spot. I better hurry before that old guy takes it.
Old: Nice! It looks like this lady is walking to her car. Let me turn my blinker on and wait here for 10 minutes to claim the spot while she puts her bags away, buckles up the kids and calls her own mother to see what she missed since they last spoke 20 minutes ago. Did that kid just cut me off and take the spot? Son of a bitch! I guess I’ll take another lap…
Pointless Purchases
Youth: That graffiti stand guy is so talented. Let’s go get our nicknames put on a custom hat.
Old: I can’t believe my ex-girlfriend donated my “T-Zippa” hat to charity.
Store Selection
Youth: I need to see what other colors the entire outfit I’m currently wearing comes in from Abercrombie.
Old: Maybe I can get ahead of the curve and re-introduce the popped collar Abercrombie shirt to the flirting with 30 crowds. I guess I’ll just play it safe with another neutral colored sweater from Macy’s. I better get a new pair of pleaded Dockers while I’m at it.
Food Court
Youth: Mmm food court. I’ll grab a slice of pizza from Sbarro’s, stock up on free samples from Panda Express, hit up taco bell for some loaded nachos and wash it all down with a McDonald’s shake. LOL, we all know the shake machine is just a prop. Let’s go torture the cashier about one anyway until he gives us a free order of fries to go away.
Old: I can feel myself getting fatter just looking at these options. Also, I think I have diarrhea from the smell alone.
Spending
Youth: $250 for this winter jacket? Fuck it. It’s going on my dad’s credit card anyway.
Old: It’s Friends and Family week, so that gets me 25% off the original price. I also have my own coupon for another 25% off. I almost forgot, there’s that $30 off any purchase $100 or more coupon I cut out of your mailer earlier this month. Check my rewards card for points when you ring that up; that might cover the difference.
Chicks
Youth: Check out those girls walking by. Push me into them when we walk by them next time so I have an ice breaker.
Old: I can’t believe what girls are wearing these days. My house is going to end up a red dot if I don’t get out of here soon.
Fitness
Youth: Walked around for 5 hours and loaded up on free Chinese food samples. I got to get ready for my basketball game tonight.
Old: This Fitbit can’t be working right. It says I only burnt 220 calories walking around today. That pretzel I ate with the melted cheese made this trip a net negative. Fuck it. I’m ordering enough Chinese food to feed all of Africa and putting my sweatpants on as soon as I get home.
People Watching
Youth: I’m bored. Let’s go to the mall and make fun of everyone.
Old: What are those kids snickering about over there? I just saw a flash. Did they take a picture of me? Am I going to be turned into an internet meme? I’m too old for this shit..
Respond
LifeOfaReilly
If you take everything I've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent!
@LifeOfaReilly
@TheLifeOfaReilly
TheLifeOfaReilly
this is sadly accurate
Another reason to put off my holiday shopping. This reminds me of JR’s “things I’ve gotten worse at” articles
Me too
I don’t think I can even remember the last time I went to a mall
I saw you in the nativity scene at mine. Or was that an imposter?
imposter….jesus isn’t supposed to be put in the nativity scene until christmas eve!
Someone knows their shit. Indulgences for you.
Had to endure this when I went Christmas shopping this week. God bless Amazon Prime.
you’re not that old because it’s spelled *pleated ….so i’m assuming you don’t ACTUALLY wear those pants 🙂 lol
This is true! Chino’s for life.
To be honest, I’ve never felt more like I was in some post-apocalyptic scenario then when I’m in a mall, but that may just speak to the quality of malls around me.
there is actually nothing scarier than running into a group of teenage girls while at the mall. are they looking at me? are they making fun of me? are they tweeting about me?
I try to buy something and get a bag in my hand the second I walk into any mall to erase the idea for other people that I am in there for enjoyment.
Nothing is more accurate than the girls one. The mall and concerts are places where you play “think she’s over 18?” And then “fuck now I’m a perv.”
Fuck teenagers.