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Wedding season is upon us, folks. This year, I’m a groomsman in two weddings. But I’m not here to talk to you about weddings. What I am here to talk to you about is the ticking time bombs that are set in motion when those getting married say, “I do!”
Other than seeing your friends exponentially less, weddings also set in motion what I refer to as, “the Two Year Rule.” By this, I mean that within two years, your newlywed friends you barely see are about to become extinct because they’re having a kid. Then comes their shitty gender reveal, baby bump pictures and disappearing from social events. They will likely be in a new wardrobe that values function over fashion. They become super casual about most everything else because their kid is the new center of their world and everyone else’s shit becomes second. This usually makes way for men to start making silly puns all the time and stop worrying about their beach bodies. This is what I call mom and dad culture. It’s like Jeep culture in that it’s something only people part of the cult understand.
“Madoff, you don’t even have kids, why are you bothering to write this?”
Now, I have a confession to make and not the Dave Grohl kind. I’ve culturally appropriated dad culture, and I kind of feel bad about it. I feel like I’ve adopted the swagger that comes with, “yeah I made this, I don’t have to prove anything” even though I didn’t actually make a human. I wear mostly t-shirts and don’t have time for tight pants. I love puns and dad jokes, and I will tell them to anyone within earshot. I drink cheap beer from a can. Sometimes, I fall asleep within seconds of turning on a movie, even if it’s not time for bed.
I came to this conclusion by accident. A friend of mine looked scruffy and had a stain on his shirt, which I pointed out. “You’ll have the same thing happen when you have kids” he said, even though I tell people all the time about how much I hate children. “You’ll love them when they are yours.” That’s when it hit me. All the years of not caring if my jokes are actually funny or just stupid. The countless times I’ve worn pajamas in public during the winter. The pastel shorts with boat shoes that have carried over from my college days. My affinity for laziness unless I need to be on my game.
So much made sense. I was before my time. It explains why, at youth hockey camp I help out at, people ask, “so which one is yours?” I usually brush it off as I look about 30, with my casually unkempt beard. I’ve worn New Balance shoes, although not the white middle aged dad kind, since I was a kid. I’m all about the function that dad culture offers. I bought a fanny pack and haven’t lost my wallet in my house since. Do I care if other people think it’s lame? Fuck no. I wear my gardening hat with pride so my western European terrible skin doesn’t get any worse.
I've been saying this since 2016 but the fanny pack is back and I have recommitted to wearing one. #fannypacklife pic.twitter.com/gWTEXiQFi4
— MadoffInvestment (@BLMInvestment) June 10, 2018
I know it’s not a huge deal, but it’s something I feel bad about. Dads have earned the right to not give a fuck in every aspect of their life whereas I merely adopted it. I was going through old pictures of my own father as a way to research where it all began, and I guess I am my dad’s son. The guy was rocking pressed shorts with not a cargo pocket in sight in all of my pictures. He rocked the old man Newbies in my old Cub Scouts picture. The casual pink polo while grilling? He had it down. Dads are generally decent people, so hopefully, I either fit in with the dad sheikh or they welcome me with open arms. Either way, I’m happy to give you a breather from your kid if you don’t call me out on being a dad culture thief..
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Haven’t been this triggered since I saw that Vineyard Vines sticker with “IL” on it for Illinois, nowhere near the Vineyard. #MyCultureIsNotYourTrend pal.
But Vineyard Vines is actually a costume, not a culture.
It’s a joke meant to convey my sense of superiority about being from the east coast living amongst these flatlanders.
True. I was SHOCKED by the amount of people going ALL IN on VV when we were in The Keys. People need a reality check
I mean to be fair VV is a national brand now and fashion transcends regions. Can you not wear VV if you’re not from SE Mass? Or Southern Tide if you’re not from the South? Or black skinny jeans and a fedora if you’re not from Portland?
You may wear boat shoes and pressed shorts (no pocket in sight), I’ll even let you adopt the “IDGAF” attitude. But stay the hell away from my grill. I earned that spot through 2 am diaper changes.
Also I have a second kid on the way, so nothing else is really mine anymore. I will guard those grill tongs with my life.
Seconded. Father of one currently. What kind of grill you working with? Thinking about getting a Traeger, but I’m not thrilled about dropping that much dough on it.
I’ve got the combo, Weber charcoal performer for weekend duties, Weber Spirit gas for daily driver purposes.
I’ve got a charcoal Weber, but that’s almost exclusively used for the 2x/year college football tailgates, just too much of a pain in the ass on cleanup to use daily. Propane daily is a Weber Genesis. I’ve looked at those Traegers and it’s tempting.
I daily drive my Weber MasterTouch and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Can’t stand grilling with propane, just feels like your still in the kitchen with a stove and burners when you could be outside playing with fire the way God intended.
Part of the allure for that Traeger is it’s a decent middle ground. Easy cleanup, still cooking with straight wood fire. I respect the daily charcoal game though.
Way too many guys out there culturally appropriating the dad bod these days.
isn’t that what the ladies want?
We need a response to this question, Elle…(we know the answer but still)
I didn’t know the fanny pack ever left
Breed, Madoff. Stop pulling out like a coward.
I hope dad culture isn’t as lame as New-Age Jeep culture, those dudes probably have strollers with lightbars and F&F-esque underglow parked with one wheel on landscaping edging at the brewery.
Madoff’s fanny pack makes me thankful that Duda went with a purse instead of that monstrosity.
A woman’s handbag is way less frat than a fanny pack, my guy. Get back to me when you don’t ever lose your keys and/or don’t have stuff in your pockets. Way more comfortable.
“I merely ADOPTED it,” you say. Seems like one way to become part of the culture for real
On one hand, it was originally a Bane quote re-purposed.On another, dad jokes come naturally to me. I only adopt animals though, I am not nearly responsible enough to keep a human alive 24/7.
I just moved to a new house, there is a creek between my neighbor, we were both doing yard work and he yells over “looks like rain”, and I yell back “we sure do need it” He is 60, I am 30, I feel as I belong.
You guys ever see those street kids who wear fanny packs around their chests/backs like it’s a messenger bag? Oh boy, are we in for a wild ride
@deskjockey No, this is Patrick
Was meant to be a reply to Nived’s comment. TY Grandex.
I laughed out loud at this. Excellent reference.
Duda?