======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
If you’ve got a hookup horror story, send it in using our submission form, and be sure to select “Column.” All stories will be made anonymous. Try to keep it under 500 words. Thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged.
Stings Of Passion
“Jeff” from Irivne, CA
Let’s cut right to the chase. I picked up a girl at a bar one night and we really started getting hot and heavy on the dance floor. Real R-rated stuff, like over-the-pants-hand-jobbing me while she tried to suck my internal organs out through my mouth. It wasn’t behavior suitable for a 25-year-old adult (I use that term loosely), so I knew we had to get out of there ASAP and take it back to one of our places.
We hailed a cab and took it back to my apartment. I was unlocking the door to my apartment and before I could even get the door open, this gal had torn my shorts off and wanted to go at it right there on the doorstep. The entrance to my apartment was out of view from pretty much anyone, and we were in virtual darkness. So we went after it right there on the porch. She was aggressive and wasn’t holding back at all.
I was pressed up against the wall and she had lifted up her dress. We were going for it right there. It was hot. She was biting on my neck and even engaging in a little nipple play. It was sensory overload. Pain was pleasure. I started trying to get her to go inside my place, but she wasn’t having it, so I just let it happen.
I felt a sharp pinch on my ass, it wasn’t pleasurable. It was definitely painful. Then I felt another one. “Ow! Stop doing that!” I pleaded with her. “Stop doing what?” she asked back.
The pain was soon unbearable. My ass was on fire with pain. So I reached back to rub out the pain and then felt another pinch on one of my fingers. I burst towards my door, hobbling with my pants around my ankles. I flung the door open and turned on the lights. The girl (I cannot remember her name for the life of me) shrieked as the light from my foyer showed what had been causing the pinch. I heard buzzing around my ears and another pinch on the back of my neck. Fucking wasps. I was being attacked by wasps.
I freaked out and ran into the bathroom to get them all off of me in the shower. There were about five of them embedded in my body. I was stung a couple more times before I finally discarded all of them into the toilet and tub. I thought I was in the clear and headed back into my living room. There were more in the living room. It was like the entire nest had gotten into my apartment. So I bolted towards my bedroom and locked myself in there with what’s-her-name, shoved a towel underneath the door and tried to find a 24-hour exterminator service.
I finally did, and they got there an hour later. The service call ran me about $200 bucks. They pretty much had to fumigate my entire apartment and even cleaned up the mess. Apparently, there was a nest underneath my porch and our porchfront whoopie session had disturbed the nest.
I still find little wasp corpses around my apartment from time to time. Rest in pieces, you little bastards.
Cafeteria Crush
“Kevin” from Denver, CO
I’m pretty sure this is the ultimate Post Grad Problem (or maybe success, depending on how you look at it) humpday hookup story.
I work at a large tech park in Denver for a large corporation that will remain nameless. Our corporate offices in Denver house roughly 200 employees over 15 different departments, and after working here for three years, there are still people I haven’t met. One day, I was eating lunch at the cafeteria on campus and ended up sitting down next to a really cute girl who worked in logistics. We kicked off a conversation that turned flirtatious just as I was finishing my bag of Baked Lays.
I headed back to my office, and she hers. The next week, she waved me over to come sit next to her again. It was like middle school all over again. It continued on like this for two weeks and we really hit it off. I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out on a real date, and she said yes. We were supposed to go to dinner on Saturday. On Thursday, we ate lunch together again. I figured, why wait ’til Saturday? So, after lunch, I asked her if she wanted to take a walk around the office park.
After she got her coat, we started our walk around the large campus, wondering what each company in each building did. It was as if Nicholas Sparks had written a PGP column. After about 10 minutes, I made my move and went in for the kiss. She grabbed me by the tie and shoved her tongue into my face, right in plain view of pretty much anyone who had an office with a window. We were overcome with the need to breed. We both had that look in our eyes.
So we bolted off into another building and found an empty conference room. I recklessly threw the Polycom off the table and we went after it. We finished up and started laughing. Living on the edge can make you feel alive.
Suddenly, as she had just finished putting her blouse on, the door to the conference room swung open and there stood three people ready to have a meeting right on the very table that we just covered in love juice. I turned to her and said, “Yes, I will have those numbers for you next Monday.” It was the first thing I could think of. We walked out of the conference room like nothing had happened, although I’m pretty sure the people who walked in on us knew exactly what was happening. Fuck professionalism.
So, about a week later, I get called into my supervisor’s office. They had found out, but couldn’t prove anything. One-week suspension with half pay. Ha! Might as well have been a vacation. Actually, it was. I went to Vail for three days with my new girlfriend.
Respond
That second one was no horror story. Well played.
Kevin, we need to talk… It’s over.
Wasp-blocked