How To Live The Airport Life

How To Live The Airport Life

I travel for my postgrad job. Like a lot. I’m in the airport more than a few times a week and ever since I got back from my smashingly successful trip to Spain. I’ve found that the only life I now know how to live is #airportlife.

Living the airport life is for those who spend all of their time up in the air and like it that way.

Basically just me and Clooney.

There are a few rules you must learn to follow if you’re going to lead #airportlife. These are guidelines that I inherited after flying fifty thou domestically this year, with another 20k kicker overseas. You might be thinking, pretty pedestrian numbers JR. To put it into some perspective I’ve flown around the circumference of the Earth three times. Or a third of the way to the moon, if you’re more of an Armstrong guy than Magellan. I’ve been inside more airport terminals than I have women, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert on them.

Rule #1: When going from airport to airport, you’ll need to make sure you set aside some time to exercise.

Fucking California.

Rule #2: Always bring a spare set of headphones in your carry on. That way, if yours short out or break, you’re not stuck reading Hemispheres magazine or whatever the fuck your airline calls it.

Oooh, I wonder if they have a section on corn!

Rule #3: All that cramped airplane space and recycled air will cause your immune system to weaken. When eating airport food, make sure you stick to leafy greens, chicken and fish, to provide your body with much needed nutrients and lean proteins.

Sushi with a SNAPPLE, JR?

Rule #4: If you’re changing time zones, you might find yourself in a strange city awake at the oddest hours. Do your best to try to acclimate quickly as jet lag can really make you the least productive bag of shit version of yourself possible.

Here’s me recently at a packed late night movie across the country.

Rule #5: No matter how upbeat you try to be living #airportlife, you’ll still have your low points. Don’t let them get you down.

Rock fucking bottom.

Rule #6: If you spot a celebrity, just remember that they’re living #airportlife too.

They’ll probably want to share in the solidarity of your #airportlife brother or sisterhood. Nod and give them the universal signal, which is having your rollaway bag spin around on its two wheels in the wrong direction and almost break your wrist.

Except if it’s A-Rod. What a bum.

Rule #7: If you start feeling stir crazy in your plane seat and you ask your flight attendant if you can just “Be let off here,” you might go to federal prison.

“But I can see my apartment, I can be there in less than five minutes!”

Rule #8: Living the #airportlife will help you acquire you lots and lots of drink tickets. Make sure you take advantage accordingly.

As well as take advantage of the chesty brunette next to you.

Remember, you only live your #airportlife once, so make it a good one. Sure, other people your age will be spending their time enjoying holidays with family, watching live sports and going to the local mini-mart to buy bags of treats. I don’t know what people do for fun.

You my friend will be on a 757 racing from SFO to LGA with a layover at ORD, with a smile on your face, a water bottle in your hand and slip on shoes on your feet. Hey, that’s just #airportlife.

I’ll see you out there.

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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