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I was young. Probably too young. I hadn’t yet fully navigated the wedding scene when I got an invitation in the mail that allowed me to bring a plus-one. The fact of the matter is, I didn’t deserve one but was too stupid to realize it.
What did I do? I asked a friend to go with me. What transpired that night was an amalgamation of the following: I went home alone, a groomsman went after her like a wounded duck, and I had to worry about someone else the entire night rather than thriving.
Hindsight is 20/15, and it’s only now after going through the wedding motions that I realize I should’ve just said, “Nah,” I’m going to Jason Derulo this one.”
Plus-one determinations aren’t just difficult for the people planning the wedding, but for those attending as well. Which is why I’ve put together a guide for what to do when you’re not in an established enough relationship to make it a no-brainer for all parties involved.
You started dating after the wedding invitations were sent out.
What you need to know going into this scenario is that no one is going to take you seriously. If the bride and groom are shelling out 40 bucks a head for a plated dinner, they don’t exactly want you to bring along some Runaround Sue who you found a few weekends ago on Bumble.
You’re going to overthink this in your head. You’re going to think you deserve to bring her. “I think she’s going to be around for a while,” you tell yourself. You don’t want to hear this but you have to let this one go. If he or she doesn’t understand the situation you’ve been put in and it makes or breaks your brand new relationship, they’re probably not the one anyway.
Explain to them that you’d love to bring them but it’s simply too short notice and you don’t want to sell your friends out. After all, the seating chart’s already been made and they’ve got bigger fish to fry than accommodating Julie who works in marketing at Yelp. Just make sure to stay away from the bridesmaids.
You’ve been dating, but both the bride and groom have never met her.
Your reveal photo that you posted on Instagram got 250 likes and both the bride and groom liked it. “Of course they’re going to allow me a plus-one,” you tell yourself after getting a Save The Date with only your name on it. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
If you even have an inkling that this scenario could pop up, it’s on you to manufacture a situation where they meet them and actually feel guilty for not inviting her. Dinner and drinks after is the perfect coming out party for your potential plus-one to get her name out there.
Whether they have room to squeeze in your new squeeze is hard to say, but chances are they’re having a behind-the-scenes conversation about whether they should make it happen for you. And if they don’t, it’s because they probably don’t like her based solely on her Instagram. Sorry.
Your ex is going to be there and you don’t want to show up alone.
She’s been seeing some jacked dude named Travis and all of the sudden your post-breakup hangover’s worn off and you’re about to get socked in the jaw when you’re sitting at the singles table. Yes, this seems daunting, but it’s not a make or break event for you.
Your move here? Not bringing a plus-one at all. It’s your time to thrive and put out the vibe that you’re doing juuuuuuust fine. Need to get your suit tailored because all the whiskey you drank after getting dumped expanded your waistline? Do so. Need to stop eating bread and drinking beer two weeks ahead of time so you look skinnier than when you dated? Time to grind.
Don’t get too drunk, dance with a little girl like you’re Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers, and hug your ex with a smile should you get put in an uncomfortable situation. Just know that her new beau feels way more uncomfortable than you do.
The bride and groom know you’re dating someone (and have met them), but they don’t offer you a plus-one.
The bride hates her and will do anything in her power to make sure she doesn’t come to the wedding. Not going to sugarcoat it and that’s just the hard and honest truth. You’re going to want to send out a text after a couple whiskey-sodas to see what the deal is, but you need to realize that it’s going to be an uphill battle.
In regard to damage control, you need to throw the bride under the bus to your significant other so at least you can save face. After doing so, you can discuss in private with the groom to make sure it wasn’t a mistake, but that’s where the conversation ends. Well, kind of. Things will probably get even more uncomfortable six months later on a couple’s trip to Napa, but just sit back and let the wine do the talking.
They offer you a plus-one, but you’re the most single person you know.
I have no choice but to shoot you straight: everyone feels bad for you. Whether you just emerged from a breakup or have just been “too busy at work” to maneuver the dating scene, you know and they know that this is a pity invite.
In the back of your head, you’re thinking it may be a good idea to invite someone you’re just friends with. You don’t want to worry about your friend and put out the vibe you’re dating when you’re actually not. After nixing that idea, you’re going to default to a dating app where you hope to find someone responsible enough to make you look responsible. Nope. Nope.
Your one and only move is to decline the plus-one, embrace being single, and hope Table 16 is filled with some other singles who your boy handpicked for you. It takes the pressure off the bride and groom to accommodate someone they’ve never met, and you don’t have to risk babysitting someone you just met when she awkwardly takes down too many vodka-sodas and browns out.
You’re attending your ex’s wedding.
Wow, look at you. You’ve maintained a friendship after the breakup. Aren’t you responsible.
The masses will tell you never to go to the wedding in the first place, but it may be a bad look to skip if this person is still someone that runs in your social circle. If your ex is dumb enough to not only dump you but to also allow you to have a plus-one, well, it’s time to posterize them and dunk in their face with someone that’s out of your league. How you go about finding that person? Well, that’s your problem. Friend of a friend, Bumble, Craigslist, whatever.
Just make sure to feed her some watered down drinks throughout the night. The bride will be looking for a reason to hate her. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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Going to a wedding in Oct. It’s my Ex’s wedding, I’m in her bridal party, I’ve hooked up or dated everyone else in the bridal party with the exception of her much younger sister.
I’m bringing a date because I wanna watch the world burn.
This is reckless. You are reckless.
Sometimes when you shoot your shot, it’s a flaming shot and you might… are definitely getting burned.
Might as well call yourself Truman, because you’re not shooting shots; you’re dropping nukes.
You absolutely need to let us know how this plays out.
You should definitely sleep with the much younger sister at the wedding (assuming she’s 18 of course)
This sounds like tons of fun.
Please live tweet this or something of the sort.
This sentence has me super confused… Are you a groomsman or a bridesmaid?
I’m a bridesman, I’ll stand where ever she tells me, with a smug smile.
The fuck is with people on this website getting invited and going to an ex’s wedding?
I’ve never had that happen. But then again a good majority of my exes were all pretty much insane so there you go.
You must be a Kings Pointer if you’re making these kind of moves. Bravo.
KP13
So how do you know the groom (I’m assuming you’re a groomsman here)? This situation absolutely blows my mind.
Feeling really attacked at the “everyone feels bad for you” comment. IT MAY BE TRUE BUT IT STILL HURTS WILL
Sup.
Table 16. Great table.
If dinner is only $40 a head, is it even really a wedding?
$40 a head? Pipedream.
Yeah, I guessed TBH. I would’ve Googled it but I can’t have that on my search history.
Incognito
Couldn’t you just say you were doing research for TGDAG?
Will the answer is $100+/head
*$200
Currently planning a wedding in NJ where its $150+ for anything above a Holiday Inn ballroom
I don’t know where some of yall are getting married, but we had dinner, open bar, ice luge with liquor shots, parting gifts of two airplane bottles each person, and I think it was like $25 a person. And I was drinking the excess alcohol left over for about 6 months after the wedding. Need some more DCO mentality on the negotiations to get those prices lower.
This. I think some people enjoy overpaying for things just to say how much they spent.
Honestly weddings are criminally expensive but $25 per person? Are you getting married at Sizzler’s like what is this? Your guests are also shelling out for you and the least you can do is get them hella booze, a nice dinner and let them bring a plus one. you’re mad about the cost? Who told you to have a vainglorious party to celebrate a contractual obligation?
Damn the patriarchy!
Also married in TX and it was 80 a head (booze and food) where are y’all getting married paying 2 hundo? Dear lord!
Where’d you get married? The cheapest I heard was $120/head in Detroit
Houston
Was it on Elgin St in the 3rd ward?
No
The pity plus-one invites need to stop. Don’t give me the false optimism that “maybe I’ll be dating someone by that point,” because we all know that I won’t be.
Have some faith in yourself, Fannie
The move is bring a girl (a little out of your league) who is friends with another female who will be in attendence. Even better you and another single buddy bring a pair, double date style. Easy to move and shmooze without feeling obligated to entertain, and 4 folks killing it together on a dance floor is electric.
Runaround Sue — great song
Do any of these calculations change when you’re in the wedding party?
No? They apply even harder.. if you’re in the wedding party and you bring a date you barely know, they’re going to be bored as shit while you’re off taking photos and whatnot
Not a huge deal if you are a guy. Take a few picture and try not to get drunk prior to the ceremony, but the bridal party has too many obligations for to bring someone who isn’t already in the bride / groom social circle.
My good friend got engaged right around the time I broke up with my ex. He said I can’t have a plus one unless I’m seriously seeing somebody by he time his wedding rolls around. It too worried, just embracing the single life for a bit