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How To Do Drugs Like An Adult

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What are drugs good for? They alter your mindset, change your inhibitions, and just generally fuck you up. Some are good. Some are bad. Some can be good or bad. It all depends on how you do them. You’re not 17 anymore. The days of getting super high whenever and however you want are over. As an adult, drug use must be planned, limited, and scheduled. Like every other aspect of life, getting older has made doing drugs more complicated. That’s why I’ve created a handy guide to help you get stoned like the grownup you are.

*This guide is purely hypothetical. Nick does not advocate the use of any drugs, and has never done any himself. If any recruiter is reading this, please stop. Please.

Marijuna

Remember when we could blaze up at a moment’s notice, with no thought to what the future held or how it would affect us? I mean I don’t remember remember, but I’m sure it happened. As an adult, getting high takes more preparation. Weed is definitely the most accepted drug and may even be legal in your state, but that doesn’t mean you can be cashed whenever you want. You have responsibilities now. Assuming your job doesn’t drug test, this is a “weeknights and weekend” drug, at most. Gone are the days of waking and baking with no worry in the world. Now, if you show up to an 11 a.m. client meeting with your eyes as red as the devil’s dick, you’re going to get, at the very least, talked to by HR. If your job does drug test, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t even be reading this column.

Cocaine

One of the most shocking things I realized after graduating is that everyone and their mothers do coke. All of the upstanding young professionals (and old professionals) who seem responsible and put together at work can be found leaving a bar bathroom with several of their friends and a newfound sense of energy on the weekends. The truth is, everyone’s too fucking tired to rage after a 50-hour week, so they turn to this natural, organic energy supplement. You can do this drug on Friday and Saturday nights assuming you don’t have shit to do the next day. If you have to go furniture shopping Sunday morning, the last thing you want to do is be blowing gator tails at 5 a.m. the night (morning?) before.

Ecstasy/Molly/MDMA

The ultimate party drug. These pills will give you unbridled happiness, if only for a few hours, before they come to collect their debt. You’ll think this is a great idea until the next day when you realize you just used up your body’s serotonin for the week. If you’re set on chasing your youth and want to do this, please do so sparingly. Maybe drop some pills before seeing Kaskade in Vegas, but don’t make it a regular thing. Doing ecstasy in some random dive bar is just sad. Also, if you’re over 24, good luck. It’ll take you a full week to recover and you’ll be so depressed at work the office mom will bake you cookies to cheer you up.

Adderall

Ah, now that’s an adult drug. Sure, you used to use it in college to cram for an exam, but you were just wasting its potential. As a grownup, you can fully appreciate the benefits of a drug that makes you more alert and concentrated on tasks at hand. You can use this in all aspects of your life. Got a big presentation at work? Take an addy. Need to do some research on your college football bets? Take an extended release and spend 12 hours reading analysts’ columns. Have to put together an Ikea dresser with your significant other? Split a 10 mg and rail lines together before opening the box. That’s mature as shit.

Xanax

Apparently, this is the drug of choice for kids nowadays, and I think that’s hilarious. I could not have been less stressed when I was in college. My only priorities were finding booze, finding girls, and combining them both as often as possible. If I was taking bars in college, I would be so chilled out my bones would actively dissolve and I would melt into the sheet-less mattress I slept on for my entire sophomore year. As an adult, however, taking Xanax is dope. Sure, it’s less about fun as it is about not letting the weight your responsibilities give you a panic attack in a mall food court while you try to find your girlfriend the perfect Christmas gift so she doesn’t leave you for someone more successful. Or so I’ve heard. If you have a prescription, take as prescribed. If you don’t have a prescription, get one, then take as prescribed.

Vicodin

This drug was made for adults. Not to abuse, or because it gets you high, of course. Because your body is falling apart. Use whenever you throw your back out bending down to put the toilet seat up or whenever the chiropractor gets unnecessarily aggressive trying to shove your old-ass vertebras back into place. Or any time it rains, snows, or gets colder than 65. Fuck 18-year-old you who thought you could make it to the NFL if you just “played through the pain.”

Meth

Don’t do meth. Unless you want to make those nightmares of you losing your teeth and your job come true, for the love of everything holy, do not do meth.

Heroin

Come on, guys. The only injections you should get is a B12 shot from your general practitioner as a little pick-me-up. Please, no one do heroin.

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Scott Farman

My mustache tastes like scotch.

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