There you are. It’s either late at night (a lot later than you wanted to stay up) or in the middle of the work day. You’re browsing Facebook, falling down a wormhole of clicking on people you went to high school with, people you used to work at Ruby Tuesday with, people you used to–wait, is that Ellen Davis from Creekview Elementary? Wow. She looks really good! Relationship status? Ugh. It’s unlisted. I bet she’s dating someone.
Anyway, you continue with what many people would call “stalking,” but what you prefer to recognize as “human browsing,” because that title is a lot more vague and a lot more creepy. After about 37 minutes (give or take two hours) of human browsing, you stumble upon the page of a girl. It’s a Facebook profile of a girl you frequent once every couple of weeks. It’s the profile of a girl, Leah Williams, from high school, who you were really good friends with and honestly kind of liked (a lot) but you never made a move, because you didn’t want to make your really close friendship awkward. She got married right out of college, of course. Why wouldn’t she? She’s awesome. In fact, about four months ago, she had her first kid, Ayden. It’s kind of cliché and a really dumb way to spell Aiden, but hey, that’s what she gets for marrying that Grayson Conway guy. (If she had married me, we would’ve had a kid named something cool, like Reggie or Bruce Wayne.)
You scroll down her timeline, past her birthday post about her sorority sister from college, past her husband’s ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video that she clearly filmed for him (friggin’ Grayson), past her picture of her new haircut. Wait, what?
Leah cut her hair? Are you kidding? Why? Her long, beautiful, sandy blonde hair was long and beautiful and sandy blonde and I’m not that good with adjectives. Why do women feel the need to do this? It seems as if whenever a woman has kids, she feels like she has to cut her hair. I’m not talking about a small trim that she’ll get mad at her husband for not noticing when he gets home from work. I’m talking about a haircut that Demi Moore in “G.I. Jane” wouldn’t even get. The new moms get their hair cut way past shoulder length, which is the Mendoza Line for female hair length. Any hair that doesn’t quite reach the shoulder is unacceptable, but any hair that goes to or past the shoulder, well, play ball, ol’ sport!
It’s as if after a family pops out their third kid, the inevitable is for the husband to get snipped in his front office, and the inevitable for the wife is to chop off her hair like she’s Cleopatra or something. I don’t get it. No guy anywhere is saying, “Babe, you look sexy, but you’d be even sexier if you had the same haircut as the little boy from ‘Liar Liar’.”
Speaking of inevitables, while sitting in the car immediately after cutting her hair, the girl will take a selfie to show off her new ‘do. She’ll post a half-cute, half-attention craving caption like, “New Haircut! AHHH! LOL! Where did all my hair go?! What do y’all think? Am I crazy for chopping it off?” And then she’ll receive comments such as:
“Girl, I wish I had your hair! I’m totes jelly.”
“You are such a babe! xoxo miss you!”
“Crazy? Are you kidding? You’re like a model!”
“You going to Blake’s party on Saturday? Call me!”
“Ahhh! You did it! So proud of you! You look incredible!”
You may or may not notice that every one of the comments on her picture will be from girls. You know why? Because upon seeing the picture, every guy was gut-checked–they experienced the feeling they get after hearing their favorite team’s starting quarterback broke his foot. Every guy loved your long hair, and now we have to suffer through 10 to 12 weeks for everything to get back to normal, depending on the rehab.
“Why did Leah cut her hair? WHY?”
You’re probably thinking, “That’s pretty shallow! You shouldn’t be attracted to a girl based on the length of her hair.” And to that, I agree. I also shouldn’t eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve, but I can’t help it.
Or you’re probably thinking, “Why should I care what you think? I already have a husband and kids. I only care what he thinks, and he already told me he loves it!” To that, I say he’s not being 100 percent honest. He, like the rest of us stalking you on Facebook, thought you were much cuter with long hair. He also thinks those pants make your butt look kind of big, but that’s another thing he won’t be 100 percent honest about. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, the DVR didn’t automatically delete that episode of “Dance Moms” you haven’t watched yet due to free space–he did, to create room for ESPN’s Fantasy Football special that aired last night.
All I’m saying is to think twice before you ask Edward Scissorhands for a new look. You looked like a total babe with long hair. Now you look like the president of the PTA.
Don’t get me wrong, Leah Williams. You’ll always have a special place in my heart (read: if you EVER get a divorce, I’m going to be your second husband). Your short hair isn’t the end of my secret love for you. I’ll just have to wait 10 to 12 weeks before human browsing you on Facebook again.
So there you sit, somewhat depressed. Before closing out of your internet browser tab, you turn on James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” and take one last scroll through Leah Williams’ profile pictures, starting from the oldest and ending with her current profile picture of Grayson kissing her on their wedding day.