How To Convince Your Boss You’re A Model Employee While Still Plotting To Burn The Company To The Ground

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Unless you’re a Rockefeller or you come from some other old family money, or you’re a rare self-made millionaire in your teens (congrats, asshole), you’re going to have to get a job at some point to support yourself. Welcome to corporate America, a place the middle class knows and loves.

It’s not all bad. Having a day job ensures that you have money for the important stuff, like beer and sushi, and if you’re lucky you’ll have a little left over for rent, too. Sure, you have to get up early every morning and sit in a cubicle all day, but there are ways to make the grind work for you. It doesn’t have to be you slaving away day after day, doing nothing but working your fingers to the bone making money for someone else until you die and they cart your body out of there. The goal is to do as little as possible while appearing as though you’re doing a million things at once, and churning them all out flawlessly.

Here’s how to convince your boss, and everyone else around you, that you’re a top employee even when you’re literally doing the bare minimum you can possibly do on daily basis.

Now, you don’t want to actually appear as though like you’re sucking. That’s just embarrassing. The goal is to look like the sharpest, most dedicated employee in the entire office, and skate by largely on reputation alone. But first, you have to build the rep that will carry you to that pedestal.

It all starts when you’re hired. For the first three months, or longer if that period is probationary, you are a model employee. This means that you keep your head down, and your mouth shut. You are polite and congenial to every single person, even the smelly payroll lady that everyone else hates. You learn how to do the job you’re saddled with, and you fucking focus until you know how to do it really well. There’s no bitching or moaning in this stage, and no saying no to anything. Every task is one you take and complete efficiently and effectively. You look professional and clean cut every single day. You keep your phone in your pocket or purse while working and you essentially do nothing at all that isn’t by the book. The entire plan will be ruined if you fuck this part up. 90% of anyone’s perceived value in a company is reputation. People forget your actual achievements, but they don’t forget how you make them feel. If you absolutely kill it for the first four to six months, you’re already halfway to your boss’s job.

Start the next phase slowly. It can’t be an abrupt thing, or people will notice. Slowly, start playing the fucking game. Don’t break the rules openly, idiot. Push them just enough to make you close to impossible to chastise. Lunches just a tad too long, things like that. Remain totally congenial, but start gossiping. The recon you’ve done for the past few months should ensure you know who to whom to talk shit about. Whatever you do, do not put anything in writing. You can say anything you want as long as it’s in person. It’s impossible to prove. Just deny you ever said the incriminating words, if it comes to that. An email, however, is forever. Nothing should be traceable to you.

Begin the infiltration of your direct supervisor. What makes him tick? What motivates her? If you know what drives a person, you’re halfway to destroying them. What are their insecurities?

Go to every company event that involves alcohol, and start doing your research. Read your boss’s chats when they leave and you’re there late. Your rise will be measured by the ballsiness of the steps you’re willing to take. No great reward comes without great risk. This could all blow up in your face and end up in you getting fired. Or, if you play your cards right, this ends up with you sitting at your desk and watching Netflix while your boss sweats about deadlines.

Find out what your supervisor’s limitations are. What does the person above them in the company wish they would do differently? Start doing whatever it is they don’t—there’s always something. Glean all the information you possibly can about where you work. There should be no question about infrastructure you can’t answer. This will ensure your role as a go-to person for answers. Watch your supervisor begin to crack under the stress of what they can’t do right. You’ve essentially laid their weak spots bare to your collective boss. Now, their shortcomings are splayed out for everyone to see, plain as the gleam of innocence in your eyes. They will fall, lost to the pressure, and you will rise.

Do the same thing with the CEO. Collect blackmail. Incite inter-office relationships, and then sabotage them. Be a keeper of everyone’s secrets. Make a point of having a piece of dirty laundry on every single person. Use it all against them. Watch the world burn.

You’re welcome. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Rory Gilmore

Rory Gilmore on the outside. Emily Gilmore on the inside. Email me funny shit at rory_gilmore20@yahoo.com.

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