How Lit Each Of Jimmy John’s Clubs Would Be If They Were Actual Clubs

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Clubs bring out the inner-tool in everyone, and I mean that in the best way possible. Like, cool, we get it. You hate clubbing. The loud music and insane amount of people stress you out. The music is trash and you’d rather feed a jukebox. Awesome, man. Good for you, you’re better than everyone because you’re salt of the earth.

But once you pass the bouncer and get the overpriced bottles flowing through your veins, you can’t help but embrace the club life and enjoy yourself before realizing that you’ve officially found your douchiest self.

The “most popular” clubs in America largely exist in Miami, New York, and Las Vegas. The clubs that get visited every damn day by regular Americans far and wide, though? They’re so fast, you’ll freak. They’re delivered for free, and for a little extra, you can get an entire fucking pickle. They’re from Jimmy Johns, and they’re the most lit clubs in the world.

Gourmet Smoked Ham Club

Quite possibly the least lit of all of Jimmy John’s possible clubs, we begin with the Gourmet Smoked Ham Club. This particular club sounds less like a “buy bottle service with your buddies and hope your richest friend picks it up” type of club and more like a gathering of people who enjoy gourmet smoked ham. The club would largely consist of mustached men who studied abroad in France laughing at how garbage Boar’s Head is.

Lit Scale: 1/10

Billy Club

The moment you enter Billy Club, you know you have to stay woke as hell and keep your head on a swivel. Through the smoky entrance, you emerge to see a Tony Soprano-looking motherfucker sipping a vodka-rocks wondering, “Who the fuck is this guy?” Yeah, you might buddy up with him after a few drinks, but the odds of you getting shaken down for every dime you have in your pocket by his cronies are through the roof. Their beer selection, ranging all the way from Schlitz Light to Schlitz, hasn’t been refreshed in months (or years) considering the clientele’s affinity for hard liquor and unfiltered cigarettes. You’ll have the most teeth in the entire establishment and will meet several couples who have someone named either Rickie or Tatiana in them.

Lit Scale: 3/10

Italian Night Club

Have you ever heard “Call On Me (Remix)” get faded directly into “Numa Numa (Remix)” while bubbles overflow onto the dance floor while you drink a Red Bull-vodka? Then you haven’t truly been to Italian Night Club, the hottest club this side of Staten Island. The “shirt before the shirt,” male spray tans, and blowouts abound, The Italian Night Club is your entrance into 2009’s phenomenon, Jersey Shore. Do you run the risk of getting blindsided by a punch from a dude named Gianni for looking at his girl the wrong way? Yeah, but that’s what you get for looking at his girl the wrong way, clown.

Lit Scale: 10/10

Hunter’s Club

Filson jackets, hunter orange hats, and the smell of bourbon and camouflaged Busch cans radiate through the cabin while gentleman from near and far smoke cigars and listen to David Allan Coe. The dues for this club, while small, are enough to keep out the riffraff. You also have to know someone in order to gain access, but once you do, you’re in for life. Remember in 2004 when Gerald shot that 23-point buck? You will after he tells you about it for the hundredth time before he takes off on his Polaris.

Lit Scale: 2/10, but they want it that way.

Country Club

Muffy, pass the champagne, we need to kill that bottle before moving onto the next one. Did you happen to see Trip last weekend with Sophie? Those two sure looked smitten. Hey, look through that east window, you can see Albert’s group coming up 18 – should we order them a club or egg salad sandwich so it’ll be ready when he finishes out? He’ll be awfully parched, someone get him a mint iced tea and a milkshake to wash it all down. Oh, have I mentioned the gala we must attend next week upstate? Should be simply marvelous.

Lit Scale: 1.5/10

Beach Club

All these dudes need is some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and they’ll be fine. Hang-loose-hands aplenty, the Pacificos are flowing and the vibes are Jack Johnsonian. Sure, you might find Sonny chiefing a joint down by the water after sundown, but that’s just Sonny being Sonny. Arrive by paddle board, jetski, or foot – it doesn’t matter as long as the beers are cold and the limes are ripe.

Lit Scale: 3/10

Gourmet Veggie Club

Vodka will be the only alcohol served as all club-goers must possess a gluten allergy in order to enter the premises. Whether you order a green smoothie or a dirty martini (extra olives, because #dinner), Thursday nights are “Recipe Exchange” nights where bringing your yoga mat is strongly encouraged. Even tough The XX is playing regularly, sometimes they like to get wild and listen to HAIM or Taylor Swift.

Lit Scale: 2.5/10

Bootlegger Club

For the hipster elite only, you need a password to get in that changes monthly. They drink their whiskey neat and have their beards oiled while bluegrass radiates through the bar. Wool vests and selvage denim are supreme because if you don’t look like a character from Lawless or Peaky Blinders, sorry, you need to take your business elsewhere. But once the clock strikes midnight and that moonshine starts flowing, you’ll feel the boots begin to stomp and the floors begin to shake.

Lit Scale: 6/10

Club Tuna

I… uh… hmmm.

Okay, fine, I’ll just say it. It’s a strip club. A really gross strip club where the back room hasn’t been sanitized in months and your Adidas stick to the ground when you walk to the bar for a drink. There are old men in sweatpants drinking waters while wearing yellow-tinted sunglasses. They have a Friday lunch seafood buffet that no one touches.

Lit Scale: 5/10, but you leave with syphilis.

Club Lulu

After the weekly 10K run, men and women galore gather at an open-air restaurant discussing their next yoga retreat. Similar to Gourmet Veggie Club, Club Lulu takes it one step further by prioritizing exercise and well-being over simply being skinny. Stay-at-home dads are the life of the party while the stay-at-home moms silently judge each other while sipping cabernet.

Lit Scale: 4.5/10

Ultimate Porker

It’s essentially the exact same as Club Tuna, but the strippers are, you know, ultimate porkers. And the clientele loves it. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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