How And When To Use Your Precious Sick Days


Everyone, at some point in their pathetic day-in, day-out job, tries to decide whether this Monday is the Monday to call in sick. We all do it. Honestly, why would they offer sick days if you weren’t supposed to take advantage of them? Paid-time off? That’s for vacations and holidays. Sick days? Those are days that you can pick and choose to enjoy a hungover Monday in the convenience of your matchbox apartment with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and an SVU marathon.

Step 1: How many sick days do I have left? What time of the year is it? If it’s spring and you’ve already used 3 of your 5 days, I’d say it’s safe to say you should not use one of your precious days in order to sleep in. Hell, you have the whole year in front of you. And let’s be honest, you know once winter comes along you’ll inevitably get a sinus infection and/or the swine flu. Because that’s just your luck.

Step 2: You’ve decided you had five rounds of tequila shots too many last night and there is no way you’re able to get dressed, drive to work, and sit in your sad cubicle for 8+ hours while trying to suppress a headache that, with no amount of ibuprofen, will subside. You pick up the phone and decide on your “sickness.” The “24-hour stomach bug” is a classic. But wait, you used that one last time. Then it’s time to practice your best fake cough, pour toothpaste in your eyes so you’ll start to cry and have a stuffy nose, and/or take another one of those tequila shots to rough up your throat a bit (or cause you to throw up while on the phone with your boss).

Step 3: Make the call. Say your excuse. Hang up the phone. You won’t get fired. I can’t promise that, but if you haven’t used all your sick days and have used all prior advice, you should be golden.

Step 4: Enjoy your day off from your mindless job that can seriously stand to have you miss a day or two.

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White wine, trivia night, and hipster glasses-- these are a few of my favorite things.

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