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Readers, I often write about being an old soul with different ideas on life. But not today. I’ve debated writing this for some time because it has brought me great shame and anxiety throughout my life. Unless you go through it yourself, it’s difficult to understand the life I live. And by this, I mean it’s complete shit living a life with IBS.
Remember in Along Came Polly when Reuben (Ben Stiller’s character) goes and eats Indian food? Yeah it was hilarious, but I felt for the guy. I’ve been there before, on a date (in this case Buffalo Wild Wings – not my choice). The date was going well and I was a few beers deep. Then, I felt my stomach rumbling and the cold sweat came in. It was certainly not my first rodeo, and all I could think was “God damnit not again.” I can laugh about it now but at the time, I wasn’t sure how long I’d be in the bathroom, if there would be multiple trips and mostly, would it be obvious? Thankfully, Lady Luck threw me a bone that day. but I knew it could have been way worse. It has been way worse.
Honestly, I feel like a ticking bomb and it’s really no way to live. Really anything can set it off and at any time. I used to think that I was lactose intolerant or I had Celiacs or something, but I have come to own the fact that I was just dealt a shitty hand.
One of the more unfortunate drawbacks is the many different bars and restaurants I’ve had to pound porcelain in. These bathrooms have varied from a crapper without a door, where I’ve had to hang onto surrounding plywood, brace on the wall like a slingshot and do a hit and run, to toilets that are covered in pee (the hover method is best for these) to nice restrooms that I ruined just a little bit by with bowels; I’ve shit everywhere, man.
You never know when it’s going to hit. A few years back, I went to a concert down the Jersey Shore at one of Asbury Park’s more famous venues. I had just begun dating my girlfriend a few months before, so she was not ready for this. After a day of fun in the sun, drinking liquor and a greasy burger, we headed to the concert. Right after the opener finished, I knew I was fucked. I told her I had to pee, but that was a lie and I knew I had three options: run to the ocean, find a trashcan or kick in the door on the dude that had been in there for 15 mins. After pleading with the hipster in ripped jeans to hustle up and a friendly guy letting me cut him in line, I narrowly missed having to blow up a trashcan in front of people for what turned out to be one of the worst toilet experiences in my life.
When this kind of stuff happens to you on a semi-regular basis, you learn to plan your life around it, or at least try. A roll of Tums is now my best friend. After I’ve been around people enough, they know that it’s always in play. If I’m race-walking or breaking into a run, people are very accommodating (they don’t laugh in my face).
There’s never a good time for IBS to strike. Children’s parties, nights out, dates. You name it, I’ve had a bad episode. One cold day, my friends and I were playing pond hockey. I had a few cups of coffee, and after a rousing bout of activity combined with some beers, I created a fatal combination. After feeling the familiar rumble, I knew I was fucked (again). I made it to the car and let loose in an empty beer box, pants only halfway down, only to see a family driving by from a day of ice fishing. I’m sure the image of me will forever haunt their dreams. I had no TP so I had to use an old towel that I threw into the woods after. Everything would have been fine, but my pants took on some collateral damage. I had no other choice but to call the Mrs., tell her what happened and to ready the shower. She had the front door unlocked for me when I got home.
After many years of dealing with this, I’ve learned to own it. It’s a part of my life as much as anything else. I don’t eat spicy food nearly as much, which has kind of helped. I’ve learned to laugh at the situations, not get mad, and take appropriate action. I’m sure everyone knows someone like me; the best thing you can do is be compassionate and thankful it’s not you. Unless you go through it, you’ll never understand that when you’re sliding into home and you feel a little foam, it’s most certainly diarrhea..
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
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Holy shit.
Btw, great article. Know that I am with you, always. Peace.
Going to that concert venue next week and I will pour one out for you (down my throat) as I try not to think about that image.
In all seriousness though sorry for your troubles!
Not to make light of your unfortunate bowel situation, but I laughed pretty hard at your story about the family driving by. First time a PGP article has actually made me laugh out loud.
You need to read Dillon’s story about his BBQ road trip
I hadn’t read it before, but I found that gem: https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/i-shit-my-pants-on-friday/
That was an amazing read. Also, the lowest voted comment was pretty pathetic/hilarious.
PGP Hall of Fame for sure. Also, I know the owners of (now closed) Zimmerhanzel’s lol
Preach man. At any given moment in any day I can arrive at what I call a “2 minute warning”. It’s a fight between clenching and finding the next surface to relieve yourself. In addition to lansoprazole I started drinking pepto bismol before any meal (unless I cook it). Keeps the runs at bay. And less wine :(( good luck and keep fighting the good fight.
You have my utmost sympathy. My stomach sucks too (although luckily I don’t have IBS or Crohns) and I always have to think twice about what I’m eating if I know I’m going to be somewhere with questionable bathroom access. It’s a shitty situation. Pun intended.
I’m in the same boat. Do y’all get anxiety before you go somewhere or before a road trip? I have to drive so that I know I’ve got control. Didn’t know anyone else lived this way.
Kind of. I’m scared of flying, but that’s another story. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned how my body reacts to different foods and now know what not to eat if I may be without a decent bathroom for a large chunk of time
Yeah, I’m getting to the same point with knowing what I can and can’t eat. Not a fun way to live though.
It’s not, but you learn to deal with it. I’ve accepted the fact that 90% of the time, I can eat anything I want because I’m either at home or at work for extended periods of time. It’s the other 10% that I worry about, but it is what it is. On the bright side, taking 4 shits a day at work means turning an 8 hour workday into a 7 hour one.
Bill, what you described is to the T, exactly my experiences, especially the 2-4 shits a day.
My symptoms aren’t extreme as yours though. Have you been diagnosed for IBS by a doctor?
I’ve been dealing with this for a couple years. Finally caved and got a colonoscopy to make sure it wasn’t anything bad. That was last Friday actually. Looks like crohns/ibs’ asshole cousin ulcerative colitis.
UC is much more serious than IBS. It’s actually and inflammatory disease caused by a “faulty” immune system and if left untreated will cause colon cancer. I was diagnosed back in 2009 with it and had a mild case for several years but now have a pretty severely active case. I experience this guys stories on a weekly basis and sometimes even daily. My advice is to listen to your doctor and take your meds seriously and try to prevent your case from getting any worse Insuranceneversleeps.
Coffee is a big trigger for me. I don’t have to run to the bathroom after every time I have a cup, but there is a 75% change I’ll get a 1 minute warning. I get crazy anxious anytime anyone wants to meet over coffee.
Are you sure you don’t have Crohns? Sounds more serious than your run of the mill IBS. I had a girlfriend who had it and she had to constantly give herself shots in the stomach, tums won’t cut it.
I am quite sure I don’t. Just a volatile stomach. The incidents are a lot less now that I drink less beer and eat less spicy food. These episodes only happen once in a good while but for writing purposes, I had to share the worst of them. I genuinely appreciate the concern, turns out I just have a stomach that likes to throw me a life curve ball from time to time.
Gotta take acidophilus man. It’s a probiotic that does wonders for this. Great article btw
Probiotics have done wonders for me. I’m having solid shits for the first time in years, and went from averaging 5+ trips to the bathroom a day to maybe 2.
IBS is a bitch I’ve done shameful unspeakable things to rest stop bathrooms on road trips.
Cheers to your friends for being supportive. Great article. I wish it was more culturally acceptable to talk about these issues without shame, and you did a great job of that.
Im right there with you brother. Having to take explosive shits whole on dates is not very fun. I never know if i will be constipated, have diarrhea, or be completely normal. Ive been able to keep it under control for the most part: cut out coffee, no dairy, no cheese, no spicy foods, limit fried foods. Fight on!
Have you tried peppermint oil capsules? They’re a godsend.
also, great cover photo for this.