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Ah, family. Having just returned from a week-long trip home for Thanksgiving, I think it’s safe to say I’ve had my fill of family for the next several months. I mean, I love them, but that doesn’t mean I’m not completely sick of them after a few days. There are many things that have annoyed me over the past week. My brother refusing to pick up our grandma despite it being his turn this year. My dad implementing a strict “no beer at the dinner table” rule out of nowhere, and for a reason none of us have yet to figure out. The biggest annoyance, however, was the questions. They were constant, they were probing, and worst of all, I had to pull my punches and answer them diplomatically. But what if I could give honest answers?
Do you have a girlfriend?
What I wanted to say: Yes, grandma. You’ve met her, like, four times. I know that you’re 87-years-old, but you gotta pull it together. How much rum is in that eggnog? How much?! Damn, never mind. It’s impressive enough that you’re even standing. Props to your doctor on that synthetic hip.
What I said: I do! You actually met her at Easter. Yeah, the brunette one. She is great. I know, I know. I’ll treat her nice. Not like my father? I don’t even want to know what that means. Do you need more eggnog?
So what’s new at work?
What I wanted to say: How many years do we have to go through this, Aunt Diane? I thought we established that you have no idea what I do last year, when I explained my job to you and you asked if I “sold things door-to-door or on the computer.” Why must you force me to condescend you every year by trying to explain that I write the words in ads using the simplest language possible? Can we just accept that you will never understand what I do and I will never understand what it’s like to be married to a rich guy who owns his own plane? I’m sorry. All this anger is stemming from jealousy.
What I said: Well, we just wrapped on filming a TV spot I wrote and I’m pretty excited about that! No, it’s…it’s not for Apple, I think they do all their stuff in-house. But it’s – what? No, it’s not going to air during the Super Bowl. That would be cool, you’re right. Hey, I actually need a refill on my eggnog, be right back!
Are you giving out the Netflix password to people?
What I wanted to say: What? No, dad. I’m 27. All of my friends have their own accounts, or at least, steal their Netflix from their own parents. Why don’t you ask one of my brothers, like, say, perhaps the one that lives with seven other bartenders in a Brooklyn apartment, or the one who lives in a frat house? I’m not Sherlock Holmes, but I’m pretty sure they’re the more likely suspects. Also, relax. It’s a Netflix account, not nuclear launch codes. No one’s stealing from you, old man.
What I did say: Definitely not. I know how serious online security is, and I would never compromise our account. Thank you for letting me use the family one, by the way. Did you need me to refresh your drink?
Oh, did I tell you that my friend’s son, Jonathan – you remember Jonathan, right? You two used to best friends in kindergarten. So cute. Anyway, he’s getting married next year. Isn’t that exciting for him?
What I wanted to say: Okay, mom. Here we go. I thought that by telling you my girlfriend and I are moving in together, I could buy myself some time before the marriage hints and questions began, but apparently it only expedited the process. As I’ve told you many times before, I refuse to get married a day before my 28th birthday, at minimum. Realistically, we’re looking at 29 or 30. I know. My girlfriend is great. I agree. That’s why we’re moving in together. Taking the next step in our relationship, as they say. You know that steps have to go in order, right? Otherwise you’re going to end up with a pretty shoddy staircase. It doesn’t matter if the metaphor makes any sense! Stop pressuring me! Maybe I’ll never get married!
What I said: No, I don’t remember him, mom, I was four years old in kindergarten. But good for him! And to a nice Jewish girl, too? Wow. Yup, I’m sure his mom is so proud. That’s awesome. Definitely happy for him. So have you heard your other son just got a new girlfriend? Nope, not Jewish. Not Jewish at all. You should go say hi, I think she’s in the living room.
Did you go out for Blackout Wednesday? I think your dad is a little hungover himself.
What I wanted to say: Hell yeah, I went out for Blackout Wednesday. And while normally I’d be mad at my dad’s girlfriend for blowing my cover, if it means you’re calling him out too, you’ve got my full support. Sometimes you gotta sink the ship to kill the captain, am I right? When I came home last night I saw several empty bottles of wine on the table, I assumed it was one of my idiot brothers who had drunkenly pilfered my dad’s wine fridge and was going to die for it in the morning, but somehow, this is better. HEY POPS! HOW’RE YOU FEELING? I HEARD YOU HAD QUITE THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT! STOP YELLING? I’M NOT YELLING.
What I said: HAH! I mean, uh, yes I did end up going out for a bit last night. Nothing too crazy, though. I tried to stay responsible, considering today was a big day and all. Hey dad, where’s that tequila you wanted me to try? Let’s do a little tasting. What do you say?
You trying to go rip some shots in the backyard?
What I wanted to say: Hell yeah, little bro. What you got? A six-year-old bottle of Captain Morgan that you found hidden under your old bed? Fuck yeah. Go tell our other brother to detangle himself from his little girlfriend and come take these with us. I love the holidays.
What I said: Hell yeah, little bro. What you got? A six-year-old bottle of Captain Morgan that you just found hidden under your old bed? Fuck yeah. Go tell our other brother to detangle himself from his little girlfriend and come take these with us. I love the holidays..
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
“Have you put on weight?”
Me- Probably
Secret shots with siblings (or cousins) is the glue that holds families together
I’m ready for ATLGuy to comment on the number of alcohol mentions
You were 4 years old in Kindergarten?
Yup
I’m 5 consecutive thanksgivings deep not being “back home” for Thanksgiving. I’m looking forward to the year I hit my first blackout Wednesday
you can black out anywhere my man
Ahh the questions about work. Most of my family still thinks I do taxes (I won’t touch taxes with a 20 foot pole) so when I tell them that work is good, but busy season is around the corner, they start asking me for tax advice and how much they can write off before the year is over.
“So you think you could help me with my taxes this year? Really looking to squeeze out some deductions.
“Yeah, absolutely!” *Hands them coupon for 10% Turbo Tax*
10% off
My first couple of years working in public, I got the tax questions all the time. Now they know not to ask.
I can relate to this. As a fake lawyer, I constantly am questioned about areas of practices I don’t know anything about. “Hey, you think you can help with this drunk driving ticket?” “So Mr. lawyer, can you help me draft this will to disown my deadbeat daughter?” “My knee is making a creaky sound. You think you can take a look?” “Yo, can I bum a cig?” How the hell am I supposed to know the answers to life’s toughest questions.
Tried drinking every time my grandfather with alzheimer’s asked me the same question two times in a row. I finished my first six pack before there was any food ready.
that’s kind of messed up…
Look, you either laugh about it or cry about it. I love my grandfather just the same. He knows his memory is bad, and whenever we mention that we just told him, he laughs and says,”You know my memory isn’t for shit” So again, laugh or cry. I choose to be happy and laugh about it.
Nice stock photo, very hip to have a gluten free pie on the dessert table these days.
You kinda sound like an ass. That’s neither a compliment nor a insult.
Also, complaining about your mother hinting at marriage after you move in with your girlfriend expecting to “delay” that kind of thing is your own fault. It’s like telling someone that you’re going to the zoo tomorrow and being offended about being asked if you’re going to see the elephants. Yet another reason why I didn’t move in with my wife until we were married. lol.
How does your wife feel about you making relationship decisions based on the whims of your mother?
Lay it to rest for three days brother
hahahahhahhahahahaha
Ehh…it’s more like telling someone you’re going to see some elephants tomorrow and them asking “are you also going to see tigers, and monkeys, and penguins, and a whole entire zoo? If you want to see elephants why don’t you just go to the zoo and see EVERYTHING all at once?”
Spent the whole weekend having to pretend that we don’t live together to his family. Really hard to do when the wine is flowing.
The wildly conservative pheasant hunting guides that took us out the day after thanksgiving: “So what exactly do you do for a living out there in DC?”
What I wanted to say: “oh yeah I actually do campaign finance for a bunch of Senate Democrats”
What I actually said: “um yeah you know charity work for veterans causes”
Or just don’t show up.
Lol.