Hoax Alert: Those Sailors The Navy Saved Are Probably Lying

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Way back in 2009, the nation was paralyzed for an entire afternoon as we watched cable news display a silver balloon floating listlessly through the Northern Colorado sky. This marked the first and last time that productivity loss and Northern Colorado were discussed without also mentioning methamphetamines. But why were we enraptured? Because it was reported that a small boy was aboard the balloon, triggering a multi-agency rescue attempt and wall-to-wall coverage.

It was all a hoax though. Some starry-eyed dad was trying to whore out his kids for reality TV money by lying about recklessly endangering one. The country reacted with a mixture of horror and bloodlust, before we all forgot about it like a week later.

Why do I bring this up? Because it’s happening again. The motives are unclear at this moment, but the whole world is being gaslit by a couple of liars.

Surely by now you’ve heard of the women who took off on a sailboat from Hawaii en route to Tahiti, and through a series of mishaps and misfortunes, ended up drifting for five whole months until they were finally picked up by the US Navy about 900 miles from Japan. Sounds harrowing! What an inspiring survival story! Except they’re full of shit. Or they’re morons. Most likely both, though.

As the most experienced Grandex seaman, I feel compelled to present this case to you, a group of people who probably couldn’t give less of a shit.

Their story.

By their account, the night of the first day, May 3rd, they were hit by a storm that rendered their sails unusable. Ignoring for a second that this is obviously false, due to the fact that every picture I’ve seen makes it seem like their sails are completely fine, let’s take a look at this storm. If they were on their first day of sailing, they’d be inside 100 miles from Hawaii, give or take. They claim the winds were in the 60-70 MPH range, and to make their story believable, they’d have to be. But here’s the thing: the strongest winds registered anywhere near Hawaii in that time frame topped out in the 20s. Is it conceivable that they got hit by a freak gale? Yes. Likely? Noooooope.

So here they are, sails busted and on a boat that carries enough fuel to maybe get them halfway to Tahiti. They decide to continue. When asked why, they claim that there are no ports in Hawaii that can accommodate their 8.5 ft keel. So first of all, you just LEFT Hawaii. Second of all, that is false for every single island in Hawaii. Third, remember that this is at the bottom of a harbor in Hawaii, and you can’t see the top of it. And you are almost certainly going to die if you continue on.

They go on to claim that their motor was damaged in a typhoon that they had to ride out for three full days. That sounds scary! But also no tropical storm came anywhere close to them so… yeah.

Their navigational nincompoopery doesn’t stop there. At one point they claim to have come within sight distance of Christmas Island, but they said they didn’t bother with trying to contact anyone there because it’s uninhabited. Pretty interesting theory that I’d love to delve into, but I’m too busy booking my flights to the international airport that is on Christmas Island.

Now the rest of their account doesn’t make any sense at all. They claimed to have lost all communication capabilities, but then they claim later on to have sent distress calls for almost 100 days straight. They also have what’s called an EPIRB, which they never activated. The TL;DR of an EPIRB is that once you switch it on, you will be found. It’s borderline indestructible. They also claim to have been attacked by a pack of Tiger Sharks, which would be out of character for a solitary creature. And the part that really gets me is when one of the sailors claimed that they stayed entertained because “there’s different sunrises and sunsets every day.” This is 100% bullshit. I’ve been out on the open water for extended periods, and I can guarantee this lady hasn’t because it is boring. So boring that experienced sailors go insane. Every sunrise and sunset is the exact same every single day, give or take a few clouds.

I realize that this is pretty long, so I’m going to gloss over some other important details, such as the fact that their appearance and demeanor is absolutely counter to everything that would indicate they’ve been adrift for five months. They are healthy and not sunburnt. If you’re out on the ocean for that long, it doesn’t matter how many times you re-apply sunscreen. The sun will find you and fuck. you. up. Their dogs are healthy and happy. From all the pictures I’ve seen, the sails of their boat look completely fine and the hull looks more like that of a boat that’s been sitting in a marina for a couple of months as opposed to being out in the ocean. Even the Navy probably thought they were lying because they made them climb up a rope ladder to get onto the ship that rescued them, which is something you just can’t do if you’ve been drifting on a sailboat for almost half a year.

So here’s my theory: they caused the collapse of the tunnels in North Korea. That’s right, they’re international agents working in conjunction with the Japanese. They’ve most likely never been to Hawaii, have no sailing experience, and will now be rewarded by an extended party with a bunch of sexy dudes in Navy uniforms. Either that or they’re hoaxers that want a reality show. I dunno. .

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Icehouse

International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.

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