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Is today national hangover day? Because it should be. Tequila leads a double life. It is one of the greatest gifts that God has given us but is also a total piece of shit that brings you up just to pull you back down. No, it literally pulled me down. I fell in the shower this morning. In my defense, my shower is really slippery, and it was only a matter of time (just moved in two months ago). But had my reaction time not been slowed by copious amounts of alcohol, it likely would not have happened. Anyway, not what this is about.
I woke up like much of America this morning with a slight headache and a dry mouth. I got a text from my best friend at 6:37 a.m. that said “Atta girl.” and got nervous. I had texted her at 12:04 a.m., “I drank wayyyy too much tonight. Going to have so many tinder and bumble messages in the morning.” I hardly ever get on Bumble/Tinder and only do it when I’m drunk and feeling judgmental. Last night, I possessed both of those qualities in spades. So I opened Bumble and started to read. And it seemed like it was never going to stop. I don’t remember writing most of them, and I immediately unmatched two guys because it was straight-up embarrassing. I got shit-faced last night and sent seventeen Bumble messages. Here they are.
Why is there no picture of your dog, dude? How else am I supposed to know you’re not a serial killer?
I’m concerned for the horse. Did you guide it safely to higher ground?
I freaking love Nashville.
So you golf and fish and used to play baseball? You’re seriously just trying to hit some kind of trifecta of All-American badass, right?
I live in (Neighborhood) and honestly just looking for a drinking buddy. I will make you sound really great to hot girls, I promise.
Too many margaritas for an opening line. Hi. Your turn.
I’m just worried about that puppy at the top of the mountain. No fucking way you actually care about its well-being.
No way you live up to your name in preppiness…
(Name). You fish. You go places with blue water. You know numbers. Those are skillz, bro.
I would like to meet your dog. You? Not so sure…
I’ve had too many margaritas. All of your interests interest me. Hi.
You’re cute. Tell me your life story.
Do you golf or just pose at bars with golf balls? Not gonna lie, I respect it either way.
Just want to hug your dog. That’s it. Don’t really care about you.
Don’t explain your 80’s party, bro. Own that shit.
Tell me more about this owl attack…
Like LSU purple and gold?? .
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I always ask “would you like your sins to be forgiven? ;)” as a finisher. It’s never worked. 🙁
Honestly, this is a lot better than 99% of the famed “Hi!”
Agreed. These are easily the best bumble openers I’ve seen. Nothing to be embarrassed about here.
Did you get deets on the owl attack though?
Is it bad that any of these would probably be the best/most entertaining opener I’ve ever gotten on Bumble?
Dave is lowkey hilarious.
Fuck, this is not the right article. Goddamn, Fridays man.
Your point stands, though.
you can never have just one shot of tequila on Cinco De Drinko.
Took a semester of Spanish in college, this has been confirmed.
And? Success rate?
6 responses, 8 no response and 3 unmatched
Sup?
Would on Abbi.