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I fashion myself a man of routine. I keep things pretty simple and in order; no big adjustments. This only really works as a lifestyle if you have quality staples to that routine. Keeping a pattern day-to-day and week-to-week is buoyed by highlights that you look forward to no matter how many times you repeat them.
By rough estimation, 90% of my Saturday mornings pass with roughly the same chain of events. Wake up with the offspring and make us both some breakfast. Keeping the routine trend, it’s likely a smoothie and/or pancakes. We’ll watch a bit of ESPN or Golf Channel then, like clockwork, load up and head to our preferred grocer: Texas legend HEB.
A weekly trip to the same grocery store at the same time might sound boring and redundant, if not for two factors. 1. I love to cook and 2. HEB is the greatest grocery store on the planet. Feel free to @ me.
My son and I are #blessed to live about two minutes from an HEB Plus and, frankly, even with this weekly haul, I don’t spend enough time in there as I wish he did. Should fortune smile upon us when we arrive and one of those sweet ass race car shopping carts are available we snag one, but regardless of our shopping vehicle, enthusiasm is always high when we roll through those doors at food/supplies mecca.
Much like AT&T Park or the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, HEB just passes the eye test. Just sleek and modern enough to feel fresh, but at the same time not overdoing it to the extent that you feel like you’re shopping in a 23rd century Wachowski siblings movie. No ugly looking displays or light bulbs that need to be replaced (looking at you, Walmart) up in HEB; just pure, clean visual attractiveness from the health food section all the way to the pet aisle.
But the aesthetic isn’t everything, as any grocery shopper worth their salt knows that the lifeblood of a store is the goods. Are you walking out with a quality cart full of solid product or does your cart resemble the feel from a backwoods convenience store? Well HEB never lets me down, especially in the departments that make or break a quality experience.
Any store worth a damn can stock the right brands in-between the aisles, although needless to say I’m thrilled with the selection I find at HEB considering I’ve been about that clean eating life this year. As I load my cart, I’m also never afraid to dump in a large quantity of HEB-brand product because their home stock can compete with any name brand out there. Half my fridge is HEB Organics, and I sleep soundly knowing that.
But, it’s the meat, produce, deli, and fish departments that are the true trenches of the grocery store industry. A subpar performance in any of these can take a store from a contending prizefighter to that guy who gets his ass beat in the first fight of the night.
No letdown at HEB, obviously. The produce section looks like it was picked fresh from a farm right outside the building, and it doesn’t hurt that they’ve got a kitchen setup right there with an employee possibly whipping up some fresh guac or pico before your eyes. It’s one thing to be surrounded by the freshest fruits and veggies; it’s another to see the potential they give you in the kitchen appear before your very eyes. And frankly, it’s boujee as hell too. I practically have a timeshare in their organic fruits/veggies section.
The fish market, deli, meat section? All obviously up to snuff. Maybe they’re just selling me the same stuff as any other grocer, but dammit, it looks nice and the vibe is fresh as hell. HEB brings the heat when it comes to variety and quality, but my local store really hit a new gear two weeks ago when it upped its Halo Top flavors from four to twelve. Absolute game-changer.
However, what really makes HEB the cream of the crop is the people who work there. I’m fortunate to live in a state full of nice people, and it seems like HEB hunts down every single one of them. Maybe they all just have a good game face, but walking through that store seems like the opposite of walking through a corporate office because everyone seems happy as hell. Every Saturday I share a point and a head nod with the meat aisle chef because we cheer for the same CFB team (Go Hokies). Shopping at HEB is like the opposite of flying United.
Everyone offering delicious food samples extends them to you with the tone of your grandma offering you to try a sneak peek at what she’s cooking tonight for dinner. The guy working the fish counter is always ready to dish advice on which tuna steaks to use. The previously mentioned store chefs happily answer every single stupid and monotonous question of “Will this sauce work on this food?”
Best of all, I’m never worried about a clog of lines with only three registers open. Not only are a majority of checkout lines kept open no matter when you visit, there’s always a manager guiding incoming shoppers to the best available line like he/she is an overachieving intern working the mail office of a big New York City firm, just dealing letters like a fiend. The cashiers round out the experience by being beyond friendly, asking me about my morning, and doting on my offspring with stickers and hella Buddy Bucks (if you don’t know what Buddy Bucks are, frankly I just pity you).
So you can tout your Whole Foods or your Kroger. Maybe you’re in the region where you’re a die-hard for Publix, or Trader Joes is your thing. Possibly you just want to watch the world burn and only shop at Walmart. Just know you’re wrong, because HEB is the best grocery store on the planet. .
Image via YouTube
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Come at me with your dissenting opinions haters. You’re all wrong.
After a second read I feel like HEB and Publix are similar in just about everything just different areas. Like cable companies, they don’t cross territories. Either way, Publix is the GOAT.
Plus HEB stores tend to be location specific and more tailored to the area and customers that they serve.
Nah HEB is better
You’re white trash if you think HEB is the best grocery store in the world. Maybe in your ghetto. Get on a plan and go shop at Wegmans, only available in exclusive parts of the east coast. It makes Whole Foods look like K Mart.
I’ve never been one to lock horns with a fellow accountant, but you’ve just crossed the line buddy
Pleeb never been to a Central Market, specifically the one in Alamo Heights in SA or the one on Westheimer in Houston
You didn’t even mention the tunes pumping through the store. HEB’s playlist is on point.
Giant Eagle Market District. I’ve seen your Publix and it is puny in comparison.
I sense a fellow Rust Belter
Randalls > HEB > Kroger >>>> Wal-Mart
Whole Foods / Central Market / Trader Joes are in separate categories.
Randalls? Does Randalls have Dr. B soda? No it does not, bro, GTFO.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU RANDALLS IS TRASH
That’s what you put up for your ballot, Randall’s? You’re not known among your friends and family as the decision maker, are you?
Guys there’s a fucking hugeee grocery store and it’s called outside and all the food is free except you have to kill it yourself and if you don’t succeed, you starve to death and become food for something else!
God gave you it, man! It’s good shit!
Publix is the best. There is no debate about this. Pub subs are bomb. Publix brand food and drink is cheaper and typically better. They treat their employees so well (they get Publix stock) and because of this they treat customers extremely well. @ me. I dare you.
I have to agree. Pub subs, especially the chicken tender one, are a religious experience.
Heard Publix has a good crab selection.
Prices so low, it’s like they’re giving them away!
Nah publix don’t stock Whataburger Spicey Ketchup or Honeybutter sauce so take the L on this Jesus.
Nah, trash take. Publix is still better. Publix is everything that HEB is only better. Come to Florida and experience greatness.
Can’t believe I just read the sentence “Come to Florida and experience greatness.”
Everyone bashes Florida, but I don’t know why I freaking love it.
I don’t know why you freaking love it either.
It’s because you’re jewish. Florida coastline is like a second Israel.
Wegmans has the best subs, hands down
Why the hell did I ever move out of Texas? Also I always bring back fresh HEB tortillas whenever I visit Texas. HEB really is the greatest.
Wegmans is the real GOAT.
I’ll occasionally drive out of Philly all the way to the burbs to get my Wegmans fix. Always hit the beer section on the way out
Fact. It’s basically the only thing Upstate New York has going for it
Hy-Vee- where there is a helpful smile in every aisle… and a liquor store inside.
It’s a shame I had to scroll this far down to find Hy-Vee. Very much the midwest’s HEB
I will say this Hy-Vee produce < Sprouts produce any day of the week. It's ridiculously cheap and fresh.
HEB is the best and their private label stuff is definitely on par with name brand stuff. Also I’m not being a pleeb when I say that their Sushi-ya! sushi and pokebowls are pretty dang tastey.
Low-key life hack @kylebandujo if you’re about the clean life the fish market does steam fresh shrimp to order and you can get em seasoned too free of charge. It takes like 10-15 minutes so I’ll put the order in as soon i enter and then just hit the produce section.
Krogers is pretty trash, I’m not even going to try and defend them.
Kroger ClickList. 5 bucks and you can sit in the car with a screaming 1 month old? Yes please.
What’s your gripe with Kroger?
Went to Kroger the other night at 8:30 pm. They had 1 register open plus the self-checkout machines, and the lines to checkout were all the way through the aisles to the back of the store. Meanwhile, 5 employees were sitting around playing with their dicks. This is just one of the many Kroger examples I could give you but basically it sucks complete ass
Ah, I very rarely have bad experiences at the one I frequent, and it has a liquor store so it’s a win/win most of the time
No gripe, born and raised in Cincinnati. They just aren’t that great and I think it stems from their size. At least in Cincinnati, unless you go to the store where the Krogers execs. shop, the selection is terrible.
Get em while they’re hot: https://www.manoutfitters.com/products/rowdy-gentleman-ht064-nvy-deal-closers-only-hat
Welp. That went fast. Fuck
Wegmans. It actually wins awards for this