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By now, the cat is out of the bag. I’m a huge Ken Burns guy. I’ve been spending all of my allotted Netflix time after work watching Ken Burns documentaries these past few weeks. Prohibition, The West, The Civil War – they’re all bangers. Time and time again, he brings the heat when it comes to documentaries on the beginnings of America.
In my time watching countless hours of footage from historians, I noticed something – no one really looked all that happy in the 1800s. It just seems like every single day as a man, woman, child, or dog was an uphill battle. Suicide rates were probably through the roof and for good reason. The common cold was basically a death sentence if you were living around this time period and every picture I’ve ever seen of people back then is just flat out grim.
Up until the 1850s, there was no such thing as prophylactics, which is both appalling but honestly not that surprising for a world that was still trying to find it’s footing. I mean, Christ, in the Prohibition documentary that Ken Burns did, there’s an entire segment on legislation that raised the legal age of consent from 10 to 14. 10 to 14! Are you kidding me?
Women led the charge for a ban on alcohol because their husbands would come home after spending their entire week’s wages on booze and just destroy their homes. It was a horrible time to be a human, but being a woman was exponentially worse than being a man. And since I’ve probably horrified all of the people who decided to read this, I’ll just leave it at that. It was not that cool to be a woman in America in the 1800s.
I know that pictures took something like 15 minutes to take back then so smiling was a little difficult, but even if those people could smile I don’t think they would. Basic amenities like dishwashers, insulation for a home, and Netflix didn’t exist.
There wasn’t a whole lot to be happy about when you’re spending every waking hour tilling the fields or churning butter. People were getting up at the ass-crack of dawn every morning just to find out that the weather ruined their crops. If that happened, your family was most likely doomed to a winter of misery, despair, and eventual death. What a life that must have been.
So all of this got me thinking – what was sex like in the 1800s? I mean, obviously, people were having sex but they weren’t fucking, you know what I mean? Like no one was going out on a Friday night in 1800s-era America with the express intent of bringing home a random from the local watering hole. Dowries were en vogue, and a scene between, oh I don’t know, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic simply wasn’t happening yet. Save that shit for the 1900s.
I just don’t think passionate, steamy sex was something that many folks got to experience in that day and age. People were reproducing to get a few more helping hands around the house, not to get their jollies off and brag about it to their friends the next day in a group chat. I’m sure men were enjoying themselves because ejaculating for a man is about as easy as snapping your fingers, but what concerns me more is the women of this time period.
Foreplay? Forget about it, man. Coarse, devoid of any kissing, and over as quickly as possible. That had to have been the modus operandi for sex in the 1800s. I’m not entirely sure men (or even women for that matter) knew that the clitoris existed. And even if they did know it existed, the men back then didn’t respect women enough to put in any effort. Sex was merely another chore for a woman, probably coming up right in between hanging up the laundry to dry in the backyard and preparing cabbage stew or whatever it is people ate back then.
I know this whole column is a tad bleak, but I just wanted you all to know how good you have it. If you’re a man and you happen to get lucky this weekend, make sure your partner gets off too. If you’re a woman and, by the grace of God let some poor schlub convulse on top of you for five minutes, make sure you get yours too. Everyone in this fine country deserves to get their rocks off. We’ve got air conditioning, the Internet, and no one has to churn their own butter to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Have fun, be safe, and let it all hang out. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
I could disappoint a woman in any century.
Name checks out.
You know what they didn’t have in the 1800’s? Condoms.
What’s a condom?
Documented cases of condoms being used as far back as the 15th century according to Wikipedia.
I didn’t do any scientific research. Was mostly a Duda-related raw dog comment. But I appreciate you educating our community.
…convulse on top of you for 30 seconds
*fixed
The sweet smell of body odor would limit my fun time in the 1800’s.
Think about breath also, no kind of oral hygiene routine going on.
Plus, think about the bush
You know, I was never a fan of the bush
I always think about this when I watch GoT
You’ve got to lick it… Before you stick it.
God bless you Mr Rogers
“And since I’ve probably horrified all of the people who decided to read this.” You could probably include this line in every article you write.
The brothel practice at the time was disturbing. VD was pretty much a given. That’s one thing that really stuck with me when I was watching Hell on Wheels. Is no one washing their genitals? Does the baby batter just hang out in there for a couple days? Do you just high five your buddy as you walk in and he walks out? So many questions. Showers are a hell of a thing. Sorry for ruining your morning.
HoW is a great show.
Gangs of New York really puts this idea in your head too. Cameron Diaz is pretty hot, but not enough to bang when she’s STD riddled and hasn’t showered in a week or more.
5 minutes is a damn marathon.
not to mention people bathed like once every week or two if they were lucky. I feel disgusting after working in an office for 8 hours, I can’t even fucking imagine..
This reminds me of the Mel Gibson classic Apocalypto. This movie featured the Maya Civilization in the 16th Century. The movie opens up with a group of men going on a hunt. The attention turns towards a big guy named Blunted. Blunted may have been big but he could not produce a child. The guys made fun of him for it and the mother in law was a bitch about it. So one of the elders in the tribe after the hunt pulled him aside and gave him some lotion or some shit to put on his junk, said it would guarantee a child. Blunted and the crew go back to the village and the mother in law instantly berates him. Tells him to take her daughter in that tiki hut and give her the business, don’t come out until a baby has been made. Blunted can’t take it, his guys giving him hell, mother in law making fun of him in front of the village, he decided to take the old man’s lotion and put it on his junk. Next thing you know blunted is running out of the tiki hut screaming. HIS JUNK IS ON FIRE MAN! Not literal fire but it’s probably like icy hot on the balls or something feeling. So he dumps his junk directly in to some water to ease the pain. What does the Mrs. do? She runs out of that hut right over to their clean water supply and starts washing her mouth out. That is because she was giving blunted a beej to get him going prior to attempting to make a Blunted Jr. So there you have it. 16th century, Maya civilization, blow job.
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