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2017 has been a cleansing year for me. I’m ridding myself of everything in my life that could be deemed harmful or negative. So far that’s consisted of jeans and time zones. It’s about time I added another to the list: straws.
Before I continue I want to preface that this goes for males only. Females get a free pass as a straw is a good way of reducing the chances of lipstick on the brim of your glass and can be used to stir that fluorescent colored cocktail you’re working on.
For men, there is no faultless way to use a straw. As a sex we shouldn’t be drinking anything that needs to be sucked. Beer, wine and cocktails should all be sipped as if you don’t have a care in the world. If you’re on a 757 screaming towards the surface of the Pacific Ocean you should be able to turn to the person in the seat next to you as you calmly drink from your rocks glass and say, “I’m not worried.”
Name one iconic man that looks good drinking from a straw.
The Biebs looks like he’s kissing his mother:
Im jealous of the damn straw#EMABiggestFans Justin Bieber pic.twitter.com/Agrj3n75rL
— Awkward thang (@DopeLifeSwag) September 20, 2013
— Awkward thang (@DopeLifeSwag) September 20, 2013
Here’s Sinatra imitating a walrus:
Frank Sinatra and his wife, Ava Gardner, 1951. pic.twitter.com/tPcOt2uSuw
— History In Pictures (@HistoryInPics) March 17, 2015
— Jeffrey Shain (@YoureSoShain) March 17, 2015
Obama’s eating spaghetti:
#Sip (v): to drink (a liquid) a little at a time. Eg:"#Obama looks cool as he sips #coconut water from a straw." pic.twitter.com/v60zNF9HTE
— ACB-ILO Langues (@ACB_ILO_LANGUES) September 8, 2016
— ACB-ILO Langues (@ACB_ILO_LANGUES) September 8, 2016
Urshur looks like a 12-year-old girl who just discovered she’s allowed to drink Starbucks:
Woot! Woot! It's bonus star holiday weekend @Starbucks! I'm here there like @Usher! pic.twitter.com/zp2ZofCAsS
— Stesha Sims (@SteshaSims) May 25, 2014
— Stesha Sims (@SteshaSims) May 25, 2014
Harry Styles is your niece at dinner:
Harry Styles me haces daño pic.twitter.com/9J7TWGLFXN
— gä (@ZaynnMyAngel) June 11, 2015
And Don’t Take It From Us guest Dave Ruff:
Well Crime Dog actually looks pretty cool here – he can keep using straws.
But you? You’re not doing yourself any favors trying to dance that tiny black stick between your lips. Neither is the fact that you’re a 23-year-old white guy who wears Kirkland shirts and works in finance, but that’s a whole separate conversation.
Use it to get attention too. The next time you go up to the bar and order a 7 and 7 and the bartender has the audacity to give you a straw, pluck it carefully from the rim of your glass and nonchalantly stab him through his cornea with the pointy end. Inevitably when the attractive woman sitting at the bar asks, “Why don’t you use straws?” make direct eye contact with her and whisper “Because I’m no sucker.” The ensuing laugh and sex that follows are my gift to you.
From this point forward I’m abandoning all straws. If anybody sees me in public using a straw and calls me out on it I’ll Venmo that person $50. And this video I posted from Thailand doesn’t count:
This doesn’t need to be beat into the ground so I’ll leave you with some words from Lord Gosling from the criminally underrated film Crazy, Stupid Love:
Lose the straw.
This week on Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna Crowley, and I had the man who granted us our podcast David Ruff on to discuss who he liked better, me or Jenna in a new segment. We also played the name game with Dave, graded more Bumble profiles and went down in the DMs. Do you want to hear about the time Dave lost his wedding ring at his own wedding? This is the episode for you! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
I’m 100% with you. Team no straw.
What about straws for nose beers?
oh hell yeah
Nose clams, fresh from the sea
This is acceptable
Rookie move; in the heat of the movement you could get too excited and nick a vessel.
We get it. You saw Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Ryan Gosling wasn’t wrong.
If a straw makes you that uncomfortable then you have bigger problems to worry about…
There are dozens of us. Dozens!
BUT WHAT ABOUT MILKSHAKES
There’s always using a spoon. Wendy’s is way ahead of the game on this front with their Frosties.
I dip my fries into Frosties. I’m a scientist.
Nuggets are a great play with frostys too
What if it’s on the liquid side? Get out of here with that nonsense.
When I was young my grandpa was fond of the saying “I have something between my legs, I don’t need something in my drink.” It’s now an automatic response of mine to throw away the straw in every drink I order
Tell your grandpa that, logically, he should be eating every meal with his hands. I mean, he has something between his legs, he doesn’t need something in his food.
I’m team no straw at the bar. Team crazy straw everywhere else.
Team those straws that looks like glasses and loop around your ears
Just for the love of God, don’t drink a mixed drink at a bar with a straw.
My only exception to this is when we played “Chug the Dixieland” in college. Which is just code for “who can drink this mason jar full of liquor the fastest.” Straw is the only way past the ice.
I do get a weird, smug satisfaction out of placing my tiny little straw on the drink napkin and not using it
We did the same thing called the Dr.Pepper Shoot Out
Y’all spend way too much time thinking about trivial things and how they’re supposedly perceived in the world. I can’t say that I’ve ever seen a dude drinking from a straw and thought, “Man, that guy sucks a mean dick.”
The last couple of weeks I have not been able to relate to the content for this exact reason. All this little shit is too petty to spend time worrying about it.
Sorry to hear that but you’re welcome for the free content
Dude you must not like Seinfeld, either. If you honestly can read this blog and not only not crack a smile, but take Hickey as the word of God, you’ve eschewed all common sense and have revoked your commenter privileges for the next week. PGP, for the most part, is a humor and satire website. If you can’t “relate” you must have a poor sense of humor. Rant over
Don’t get me wrong I really enjoy reading the site as well as 9/10 blogs/articles. But every now and then there is an article that I don’t care for. As an American, I’m allowed to voice my opinion. That’s all it is, I could be 100% wrong or right based on the particular person. But is undeniable that it is my right to voice my opinion.
No one is forcing you to come here. I hear Buzzfeed has a great articles(s) about what kind of dog you are based on your personality.
Just remember, this is a satire/comedy site and if you’re taking it seriously, maybe you should suck a dick
Cute. I didn’t like this article, so therefore I must love Buzzfeed. That totally makes sense. Honest.
Claiming “this is satire, so shut up!” is a dumb argument; like, no shit that this was meant to be comedic. I’m saying that I didn’t find it funny, and it just comes across as either trying too hard, or insecure. JR has had much better articles. Shocker alert: when you post things in public, people may not always like them.
“Real men do this!” is a tired, worn out cliched trope of a joke. If this is what gets you off, fine, but don’t tell me “just leave!” because God forbid I express a negative opinion once and awhile.
I appreciate it and agree that the stances of “Stop doing this” or “You’re not an x y or z if you do this” is stale. I just remembered how my best friend’s old man would call us sissies when we were 12 for using straws and thought I could make it funny. Totally appreciate you not finding it so, we put our stuff out there for this exact reason.
Respect, and thanks for all of the articles you’ve written that I read for free.
Woah dude, dial it back.
I’m team combine two or three straws and make a long straw. Establish dominance at the bar by never having to lift your drink.
Where do you put the long straw when you get home later that night, alone?
RIP to all the straws I’ve thrown onto the sticky bar floors in my lifetime.