Grading The PGP Remote Writer Fantasy Football Draft

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I’m in the small minority who actually wants to hear about your fantasy football team. I’m no fantasy expert, and I certainly don’t want to listen to you bemoan your weekly ups and downs, but if you just drafted your team I’ll gladly take a peek at your lineup.

With the NFL season finally kicking off tomorrow, I decided this year to gather all your favorite PGP remote writers (+Delph) to play together in a league. For the sake of content Jenna and I recorded the first few rounds of the draft on this week’s episode of Don’t Take It From Us as well. Be on the lookout for all sorts of bizarre side bets, weekly punishments and fun matchups throughout the season. Both the Yahoo draft grades and my own personal letter grades are below. Only one question remains – who drafted best?

League name: PGP B-Squad
# of players: 14
Roster: 1 QB, 2 WRs, 2 RBs, 1 TE, 1 FLEX, 1 K, 1 DEF, 5 BN, 1 IR (I shortened the teams and benches due to the league size)
Scoring: Standard
Draft: Snake

Rory Gilmore:
Team Rory Gilmore

1. David Johnson (Ari – RB)
2. Terrelle Pryor Sr. (Was – WR)
3. Isaiah Crowell (Cle – RB)
4. Russell Wilson (Sea – QB)
5. Emmanuel Sanders (Den – WR)
6. Jack Doyle (Ind – TE)
7. Paul Perkins (NYG – RB)
8. Minnesota (Min – DEF)
9. Mike Wallace (Bal – WR)
10. Eli Manning (NYG – QB)
11. Eddie Lacy (Sea – RB)
12. Cairo Santos (KC – K)
13. Los Angeles (LAR – DEF)
14. Allen Hurns (Jax – WR)

Yahoo grade: A-
JR’s grade: B+
Analysis: I don’t think this is worthy of an A grade, but there isn’t much wrong with Rory’s starting lineup. Drafting 1st in a 14 person snake draft isn’t easy, and she put forth the best possible effort. Isaiah Crowell is running behind an average offensive line on the worst team in football and her bench needs strengthening. If one of her RBs goes down (which they always do), who’s she bringing in? Fat Eddie Lacy? I hope they have good “china” food in Seattle…

i want china food….A LOT OF IT

— Eddie Lacy (@Lil_Eazy_Ana_42) July 5, 2011

Also, what are you doing drafting a backup Defense in a 14 person league Rory? Good thing I liked your California article so much, or I’d give you a harder time.

Tina: San Diego Remembers

1. Le’Veon Bell (Pit – RB)
2. Dalvin Cook (Min – RB)
3. Leonard Fournette (Jax – RB)
4. Larry Fitzgerald (Ari – WR)
5. Matt Ryan (Atl – QB)
6. Jarvis Landry (Mia – WR)
7. Philip Rivers (LAC – QB)
8. Antonio Gates (LAC – TE)
9. Pierre Garcon (SF – WR)
10. New York (NYG – DEF)
11. Randall Cobb (GB – WR)
12. Sebastian Janikowski (Oak – K)
13. Cameron Brate (TB – TE)
14. Charles Clay (Buf – TE)

Yahoo grade: B
JR’s grade: B+
Analysis: Interesting strategy by Tina here drafting RBs in the first three rounds and following that up with two QBs in her next three picks. Longevity is an issue here as Philip Rivers, Antonio Gates and Sebastian Janikowski have a combined age of 210. However, I do like Cameron Brate as her starting TE, an absolute steal in the second to last round.

Quick look at Tina’s future husband:

#boltman #boltup #bolt #boltpride #bolt⚡️ #boltaction #chargers #sandiegochargers #losangeleschargers #losangeles #sandiego #california #sd #la #nfl #football #sunglasses .

A post shared by Mohammed Ahmed Muniser-saleh (@moedog619) on May 2, 2017 at 10:22pm PDT

Kevin Caulfield: I Miss Jay

1. Antonio Brown (Pit – WR)
2. Marshawn Lynch (Oak – RB)
3. Greg Olsen (Car – TE)
4. Cam Newton (Car – QB)
5. DeVante Parker (Mia – WR)
6. LeGarrette Blount (Phi – RB)
7. DeSean Jackson (TB – WR)
8. Houston (Hou – DEF)
9. Jay Cutler (Mia – QB)
10. Adam Vinatieri (Ind – K)
11. Adam Thielen (Min – WR)
12. Rex Burkhead (NE – RB)
13. Corey Davis (Ten – WR)
14. Devin Funchess (Car – WR)

Yahoo grade: B
JR’s grade: B-
Analysis: Kev’s a relative newcomer to the PGP family, and he’s a miserable Bears fan like myself so I’ll try not to be too hard on him. I don’t like Marshawn Lynch with his second round pick since the guy hasn’t played a full season since 2014. The running game is severely lacking for I Miss Jay, so here’s hoping he has some luck on the waiver wires this season. At least he has this to look forward to when Cam inevitably goes down:

I went outside to take a picture of the eclipse and this is what I saw through my iPhone #JayCutler #moon #SolarEclipse2017 pic.twitter.com/DMs1hVsYOE

— Chrissi Runnergirl (@ChrissiRuns) August 21, 2017

(looks awfully similar to somebody’s Twitter profile picture…)

Kyle Bandujo : Kyle’s Team

1. Mike Evans (TB – WR)
2. Travis Kelce (KC – TE)
3. Lamar Miller (Hou – RB)
4. Allen Robinson (Jax – WR)
5. Jimmy Graham (Sea – TE)
6. Doug Martin (TB – RB)
7. Jacquizz Rodgers (TB – RB)
8. Derek Carr (Oak – QB)
9. Terrance West (Bal – RB)
10. Corey Coleman (Cle – WR)
11. Tyrod Taylor (Buf – QB)
12. James Conner (Pit – RB)
13. Wil Lutz (NO – K)
14. Buffalo (Buf – DEF)

Yahoo grade: B-
JR’s grade: B
Analysis: Kyle’s getting a bump here because I’m pretty sure he was putting his son to bed when we were drafting Monday night. Despite picking two TEs in the first 5 rounds (what?) he’s put together a solid team anchored on Tampa Bay’s offense. He also did the sensible thing and picked his K and DEF last, ensuring that his bench is stronger than most. All around good showing from Crash Davis. Here’s to a high winning percentage this season.

Boston Max: Pretty Good Penis

1. Julio Jones (Atl – WR)
2. Todd Gurley (LAR – RB)
3. Carlos Hyde (SF – RB)
4. Tyreek Hill (KC – WR)
5. Jordan Reed (Was – TE)
6. Jameis Winston (TB – QB)
7. Mike Gillislee (NE – RB)
8. Willie Snead (NO – WR)
9. Andrew Luck (Ind – QB)
10. Jeremy Hill (Cin – RB)
11. Jordan Matthews (Buf – WR)
12. Sterling Shepard (NYG – WR)
13. Oakland (Oak – DEF)
14. Matt Prater (Det – K)

Yahoo grade: B+
JR’s grade: A
Analysis: Honestly, this team is nasty. With Gurley and Hyde leading the ground game and Julio, Hill and Reed as the primary pass catchers, I’m hella scared of Max come playoff time. The first few guys coming off his bench (Luck, Hill and Matthews) would make for great starters too. If it was 2014. I also appreciate the honesty in his team name. You never want to be a girl’s least or most memorable penis. I think most guys are fine with being considered “pretty good.”

Ben aka Shibby: Blount Force

1. Odell Beckham Jr. (NYG – WR)
2. Doug Baldwin (Sea – WR)
3. T.Y. Hilton (Ind – WR)
4. C.J. Anderson (Den – RB)
5. Ameer Abdullah (Det – RB)
6. Carson Wentz (Phi – QB)
7. Kyle Rudolph (Min – TE)
8. Darren Sproles (Phi – RB)
9. Justin Tucker (Bal – K)
10. Arizona (Ari – DEF)
11. Ted Ginn Jr. (NO – WR)
12. Nelson Agholor (Phi – WR)
13. Philadelphia (Phi – DEF)
14. C.J. Prosise (Sea – RB)

Yahoo grade: C+
JR’s grade: C
Analysis: Quick backstory, Shibby asked if he could call me on Friday to chat about a few things. I told him, sure, call me at my office. He then called me at 8 p.m. that night as I was out to a nice seafood dinner and pretended not to know how time zones worked. Either way, Yahoo nailed this grade. Too many WRs, a shitty run game and a bad fantasy quarterback are all ingredients for a mess of a nachos plate that ultimately gives you diarrhea.

PS: He asked to be called Ben from now on instead of Shibby. Sorry, no can do pal.

Chris Bourg : Sex Cannons

1. Jay Ajayi (Mia – RB)
2. Rob Gronkowski (NE – TE)
3. Aaron Rodgers (GB – QB)
4. Mark Ingram (NO – RB)
5. Jamison Crowder (Was – WR)
6. Bilal Powell (NYJ – RB)
7. Tyrell Williams (LAC – WR)
8. Brandon Marshall (NYG – WR)
9. Dan Bailey (Dal – K)
10. Duke Johnson Jr. (Cle – RB)
11. Sam Bradford (Min – QB)
12. Coby Fleener (NO – TE)
13. Tyler Lockett (Sea – WR)
14. Baltimore (Bal – DEF)

Yahoo grade: A
JR’s grade: B
Analysis: Yahoo gave Chris (or “Sex Cannons” as his mom called him as a child) the highest grade in the league. And while his team has some strong pieces (Rodgers, Gronk, Ajayi), it also has weak ass receivers and a bad team defense. I’m looking forward to meeting this clown in the playoffs, as I’m sure all of Chris’ Twitter followers are looking forward to more gems like these:

After taking my dump I am now free to be back on my bullshit pic.twitter.com/WMxNlhOg1q

— Heavy Metal Krist (@ArrowZeppelin) August 24, 2017

Jenna Crowley: The Brady Bunch

1. Tom Brady (NE – QB)
2. Amari Cooper (Oak – WR)
3. DeAndre Hopkins (Hou – WR)
4. Davante Adams (GB – WR)
5. Adrian Peterson (NO – RB)
6. Rob Kelley (Was – RB)
7. Frank Gore (Ind – RB)
8. Chris Hogan (NE – WR)
9. Jason Witten (Dal – TE)
10. Stephen Hauschka (Buf – K)
11. Atlanta (Atl – DEF)
12. James White (NE – RB)
13. O.J. Howard (TB – TE)
14. C.J. Fiedorowicz (Hou – TE)

Yahoo grade: C
JR’s grade: C+
Analysis: Credit where credit’s due, we were recording this week’s episode of Don’t Take It From Us while drafting so she may have been slightly distracted. Jenna stuck to her promise to draft Tom Brady with her first pick, citing karma, which I really have no issue with. What I DO have an issue with is the THREE tight ends she drafted as well as the 2013 All-Pro running back duo of Frank Gore and Adrian Peterson. And she claims to have majored in sports management in college with an emphasis on football. Sheesh Louise.

The Patriots once blew a 18-0 season lead #NeverForget pic.twitter.com/RpQoYSCG4k

— NFL Memes (@NFL_Memes) August 15, 2017

(sorry J)

JR : JR in Charge

1. Devonta Freeman (Atl – RB)
2. Ezekiel Elliott (Dal – RB)
3. Keenan Allen (LAC – WR)
4. Kelvin Benjamin (Car – WR)
5. Marcus Mariota (Ten – QB)
6. Tyler Eifert (Cin – TE)
7. Darren McFadden (Dal – RB)
8. Rishard Matthews (Ten – WR)
9. Thomas Rawls (Sea – RB)
10. Marvin Jones Jr. (Det – WR)
11. Pittsburgh (Pit – DEF)
12. Chris Boswell (Pit – K)
13. Giovani Bernard (Cin – RB)
14. Kenny Golladay (Det – WR)

Yahoo grade: B
JR’s grade: A+
Analysis: Show me where I came up short. Tell me this isn’t the best team in the league right now. I fucked up waiting to grab a defense but Keenan Allen and Kelvin Benjamin will have bounceback years I guarantee it. And Devonta Freeman and whoever’s being handed the ball from Dak Prescott are the best back duo of the league BY FAR. As long as Eifert stays healthy and Mariota keeps improving we going to the ‘ship baby.

Bisgard: Beltway 8 Swim Team

1. LeSean McCoy (Buf – RB)
2. Christian McCaffrey (Car – RB)
3. Dak Prescott (Dal – QB)
4. Martellus Bennett (GB – TE)
5. Jeremy Maclin (Bal – WR)
6. Golden Tate (Det – WR)
7. Donte Moncrief (Ind – WR)
8. Kansas City (KC – DEF)
9. Trevor Siemian (Den – QB)
10. Mason Crosby (GB – K)
11. Cole Beasley (Dal – WR)
12. Danny Amendola (NE – WR)
13. Shane Vereen (NYG – RB)
14. Vernon Davis (Was – TE)

Yahoo grade: B-
JR’s grade: B-
Analysis: Another spot on draft grade from Yahoo here. I screamed when Bisgard picked up McCaffrey in the second round. His focus on backs and grabbing Dak early really made for a weak wide out duo. I also don’t understand this league’s insistence on burning a pick on a backup QB or Tight End. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Shady, Dak and Bennett are going to put up big numbers for Brian.

I also don’t understand Bisgard’s team name. Is the Beltway 8 Swim Team the name of your middle school team where the coach made you line up naked with your hands extended as he squirted a few pumps of shampoo into your hands before watching you shower?

See you in our week 1 matchup, you contradicting SOB…

Holy shit I hate golfers. They're the worst people on the planet. Hands down the worst patrons to ever exist and it's not even close

— Brian Bisgard (@BrianBisgard) August 31, 2017

One week earlier:

If you look closely you'll notice that's an upside down 8 iron I'm saucin' on #TopGolf pic.twitter.com/XhlkKwrSuY

— Brian Bisgard (@BrianBisgard) August 23, 2017

Madoff: Penis Parrots

1. Melvin Gordon (LAC – RB)
2. Dez Bryant (Dal – WR)
3. Ty Montgomery (GB – RB)
4. Martavis Bryant (Pit – WR)
5. Delanie Walker (Ten – TE)
6. Matthew Stafford (Det – QB)
7. John Brown (Ari – WR)
8. New England (NE – DEF)
9. Robby Anderson (NYJ – WR)
10. Kevin White (Chi – WR)
11. Samaje Perine (Was – RB)
12. Matt Bryant (Atl – K)
13. Taylor Gabriel (Atl – WR)
14. Torrey Smith (Phi – WR)

Yahoo grade: B
JR’s grade: B
Analysis: Madoff’s team is well rounded but isn’t scaring anybody. I’m pretty butthurt he snaked Delanie Walker from me but can’t get too upset as he regularly goes out of his way to compliment my hair. I just can’t hate a guy who does that. I also can’t hate another team name that includes Penis. Boys will be boys.

Josh aka Neurotic To the Bone: Airing of Revises

1. A.J. Green (Cin – WR)
2. Brandin Cooks (NE – WR)
3. Kareem Hunt (KC – RB)
4. Alshon Jeffery (Phi – WR)
5. Tevin Coleman (Atl – RB)
6. Ben Roethlisberger (Pit – QB)
7. Hunter Henry (LAC – TE)
8. Seattle (Sea – DEF)
9. Stephen Gostkowski (NE – K)
10. Kenny Britt (Cle – WR)
11. Theo Riddick (Det – RB)
12. Eric Ebron (Det – TE)
13. Brian Hoyer (SF – QB)
14. Kenny Stills (Mia – WR)

Yahoo grade: B
JR’s grade: B-
Analysis: While on the surface this team looks formidable, a lot of these players are injury magnets. Seattle’s D and Gostkowski are good pickups, but not at the cost of your bench. I also love that he grabbed Brian Hoyer with his second to last pick. “Oh no! Hoyer’s off the board!!!” – nobody.

@bhoyer7 on 🎥 for #BrickByBrick pic.twitter.com/3wbd2JbCj3

— 49ers Studios (@49ersStudios) August 24, 2017

I’m running out of steam here guys, this initially felt like a good idea.

Delph: Mike Vick in a Box

1. Jordy Nelson (GB – WR)
2. Jordan Howard (Chi – RB)
3. Demaryius Thomas (Den – WR)
4. Drew Brees (NO – QB)
5. Derrick Henry (Ten – RB)
6. Zach Ertz (Phi – TE)
7. Denver (Den – DEF)
8. Eric Decker (Ten – WR)
9. Brandon McManus (Den – K)
10. Danny Woodhead (Bal – RB)
11. Carson Palmer (Ari – QB)
12. Zay Jones (Buf – WR)
13. Julius Thomas (Mia – TE)
14. Kendall Wright (Chi – WR)

Yahoo grade: B-
JR’s grade: C+
Analysis: Delph’s lineup reminds me of The Capital R Roommate: injury prone and old. When was the last time Jordy Nelson played a full season? Jordan Howard is good, but the Bears O Line is GARBAGE. Drew Brees will be the most consistent player in Delph’s offense and he’s almost 40. Looking forward to an easy win vs Delph this season. I feel bad too, he could use the money.

Every time I am given a simple task, I still find a way to screw it up pic.twitter.com/IaG73XY2Wu

— Delph (@delph_13) January 25, 2017

Charlie Walker: Charlie Doesn’t Suck

1. Michael Thomas (NO – WR)
2. DeMarco Murray (Ten – RB)
3. Joe Mixon (Cin – RB)
4. Michael Crabtree (Oak – WR)
5. Sammy Watkins (LAR – WR)
6. Kirk Cousins (Was – QB)
7. Jonathan Stewart (Car – RB)
8. Stefon Diggs (Min – WR)
9. Andy Dalton (Cin – QB)
10. Austin Hooper (Atl – TE)
11. Matt Forte (NYJ – RB)
12. Carolina (Car – DEF)
13. Jared Cook (Oak – TE)
14. Dustin Hopkins (Was – K)

Yahoo grade: C
JR’s grade: B-
Analysis: I’m going to be a little nicer to Charlie than Yahoo was. Despite him drafting three good backs and two below average wideouts in his first five picks, I have a lot of faith in Demarco Murray and Joe Mixon. Stefon Diggs is going to make a big leap this year as well to pick up the slack and Kirk Cousins is a surprisingly able fantasy QB. I’m looking forward to playing Charlie twice this year, upon which he’ll take one look at my lineup and…

If you made it this far, congratulations on having too much time on your hands! All in all it should be a fun season. Make sure you follow this bozo nightmare on Twitter to keep up with the shenanigans. The part I’m particularly looking forward to are the wagers that will be placed. Somebody’s losing a toe..

—-

This week on the dating and relationship podcast Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna Crowley and I don’t talk about dating and relationships at all! This is a special fantasy football edition in which we narrate the first few rounds of the PGP B-Squad fantasy draft (poorly). We also run down our top 5 favorite prop bets and punishments to inflict upon our fellow writers this season. Next week we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming, we promise. We’re also holding another 5-Star review contest. The funniest iTunes 5-Star reviews get read on the pod and the winner gets to be a guest on a future episode! Enjoy!

Do you have a dating or relationship question you want answered on the pod? Make sure you send our way! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!

Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram here for a first look at the dating profiles we’re grading and all sorts of content throughout the week!

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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