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I started crying at dinner Friday night with my husband. I guess it was more noticeable than I thought, because when he got up to go to the bathroom, a lady came over from across the bar to ask if I was ok.
“Hey beautiful, everything okay?” She asked tilting her chin toward the men’s room to indirectly inquire if it were man trouble. (Girl code power move).
I wasn’t three plus pinot noirs deep (tears are par for the course with me at that point) nor had anything bad happened. We weren’t fighting, we had simply gotten into a conversation about Pittsburgh and thereby been reading the Wikipedia entry for… Mister Roger’s Neighborhood.
And this did me in big time:
“You always make each day a special day. You know how: By just your being yourself. There’s only one person in the whole world that’s like you, and that’s you. And people can like you exactly the way you are.”
And I am bawling at Ben’s Chili Bowl.
We have all had people — teachers, coaches, ex (or current) boyfriends and girlfriends, frenemies, strangers, bosses, family members, even ourselves try to diminish us. And succeed. For a long time. Maybe forever.
We adopt limiting beliefs about ourselves which we then allow to control our daily actions, thoughts, and ultimately — destinies.
We become more familiar with what we CAN’T than with what we CAN.
Like a mouse in a maze, we mentally roll down the doors to the ways out to victory before we even reach the threshold.
We don’t think we are worthy or capable of the creative scheming and dreaming that could get us through the maze and into the open. Or, we are not aware of the tools WE ALREADY HAVE to engineer our escape and find freedom.
I have always said I find the world like a Reddit AMA. As Mr. Rogers Neighborhood taught us, we EACH have something special to offer that is unlike ANYONE else in the world. Seriously. You can learn something from EVERYONE and YOU can teach something to ANYONE.
So why live a life that isn’t custom-crafted for your own values, passions, and talents?
Sometimes it is because these values, passions, and talents take uncovering. We are taught to fit molds instead of fitting life to us.
I began my personal branding practice because I saw so many capable, amazing people settling and as a result-suffering. And not because of a lack ability. No way, no how. It was a lack of clarity and understanding, and above all, creating and holding space and time for the process of knowing thyself.
There is not a subject you can master or study that will pay off better than mastering and studying yourself. Nothing else will unlock doors more quickly and up-level your performance more profoundly.
And I mean in a real sense. Pretty much anyone who applies to a graduate program or a job is “smart,” “organized” and a “team player.” You are beyond generalities. You are a beautiful pastiche of accomplishments, experiences, triumphs, suffering, beliefs, quirks, relationships, and memories.
I think I cried so much over this quote and into my half-smoke because it shoved the hard, painful truth in my face that there is somewhere in our lives and in time where we go from being celebrated for exactly who we are and championing individualism (I’m seeing the ever-affirming Miss Lippy and Kenny the kindergarten teacher from Half Baked) to meeting standards, requirements, and profiles… set by others in order to achieve some level of evasive happiness (a job, entry to graduate school, a date with a stranger online).
But exactly who you are should have never stopped being enough…or being more than enough…or being perfect.
Make some time in 2016 to sit with yourself and get reacquainted with your values, talents, desires, formative experiences, passions, and goals for the future. What has changed? Why? What is the same? Why? “Real life” does tend to infringe on our wildest dreams, but what could you maybe tweak next year to bring you even just a little closer to living your full true story?
I hope you try it.
Because you know… “it’s such a good feeling to know you’re alive!” .
Image via Shutterstock
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CarolineGould
Caroline Gould is a personal branding expert and career consultant based in Washington, D.C. Her signature program is called Self Discovery School. She also writes a weekly advice column on Post Grad Problems. Submit your question or find out more on delphiknowthyself.com
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@CarolineGould, your posts over the last few weeks have been walking me through the painful and protracted breakup of my first post-grad relationship that’s been fraught with issues since nearly the outset last summer. Every post reminds me to keep my eyes on the prize and to think of what I want in the long term. Thanks for bringing a little bit of substance (not too much, just the tip?) to #pgp.
That is rough. I wish there was something more I can say–but it really just comes down to time, sweet time.
You’ll come out better on the other side; your head is in the right place.
Ass-Out Hugs,
CG
Mr. Rodgers, Bob Ross, and Bill Nye all dropped some serious knowledge on me as a kid. I think somewhere along the line, many of us forgot what they taught us. Thanks for the reminder.
Bill Nye was and still is the man!
Caroline, I feel as if you and Brian would have made one hell of a team. Quickly becoming one of my favorite contributors. Seriously, thank you.
This made me feel all sorts of feelings, and think all sorts of thoughts. Great stuff. Thank you.
Fantastic and motivational work yet again. Also, all I can think about now is eating chili.
Come to DC, we’ll have some effing awesome chili.
Great stuff once again Caroline!
It sucks that we live in a world where individuality is seen as a threat or not the norm. All throughout school we are taught from a young age to be this certain way or that certain way and then it carries over into our careers. We are constantly being told how to look, what to buy, how to act, what to like and dislike and it has made a lot of people fall out of touch with themselves and dislike themselves. We’ve also been conditioned to never question things. It’s like we have all been mass produced like factory components that all make up this giant thing that no one has really figured out yet but the ones who have figured it out come back to us and tell us that we can live differently, think differently and lead better lives…and throughout history those people usually get cast aside or killed.
Wish I knew how to post giphs—perfect cue for the “Just Another Brick in the Wall” meat grinder scene.
Needed this. Thanks Caroline.
You went to Ben’s and didn’t invite me?!
Thanks for another great piece. I spent the better part of the year on the job hunt. It took longer than I might have hoped and going through some prospects that would have been okay but didn’t work out. I finally found something that was not only better, but also allowed me to see the experience and knowledge I do have as an asset rather than a liability. And at the same time I’m seeing my interests as something that can be more than just that.
It’s also helped that I find myself surrounded by better people, not just professionally but personally.
I still don’t know what I really want out of life and don’t expect to, but I feel so much better working on myself now.
I try not to be one to dwell on things (if I did I’d spend an hour in the toothbrush aisle debating which to get) but I have to be careful not to dwell on what it would be like if I could apply that to the first half of my 20s.
Thank you for reading. Job hunting is one of the most soul-bearing, vulnerable processes ever–and I think we need to do a better job honoring that. Sounds like you’re in a great place. Congrats!
First thoughts: “Oh man, there are a bunch of unironic feelings in here, this is going to get slammed in the comments.”
Surprisingly no. You guys have really matured, I’m almost proud.