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The following are Eric’s thoughts as he downloads Bumble for the first time.
All right, here we go. I know I told myself I wouldn’t need dating apps, but that could not have been more wrong. After spending the last few weekends getting too drunk and acting a fool at the bars, it’s clear my game has taken a serious hit. Shit, last weekend I spent, like, $80 on drinks for girls that clearly weren’t interested in me. It’s time to get some training wheels and go back to the minor leagues.
Plus, everyone and their mothers are on dating apps nowadays. Like, literally, their mothers. Jack actually matched with the mom of a kid he went to high school with last time he was home for Thanksgiving. That kid did not appreciate hearing about that. Not gonna lie though, it’s good to see Jack with a black eye every once in a while. Maybe he’ll learn to stop talking shit.
Aaand, we’re in. Just gotta pick some photos and make a bio. Should be easy enough, I’m pretty funny.
*30 minutes of cropping, screenshotting, and typing later*
Okay, I’m definitely not as funny as I thought I was. Or as good looking. And why are all my pictures blurry? Oh yeah, that’s because my only hobby is drinking. Wait, should I write that in my bio? Is that funny or sad? Probably sad. Whatever, as if anyone has real hobbies and shit. Are dudes out here just, like, woodworking in their spare time? Buncha nerds. That’s fine, my bio is solid.
“Bar dance floor champ 2013-2017. Looking for someone that doesn’t get embarrassed easily.”
That’s gold. A little self-deprecating humor plus a little bragging equals a lot of game. I’m funny and charming. Let’s start swiping.
*swipes right on 18 consecutive girls*
Damn, I should have been on this Bumble train to begin with. There are more dimes in here than a 1950s gumball machine. Heh, that’s pretty funny. Gotta remember to use that line with the boys. Now we’re getting down to the meat of this app. First picture is a group shot? Swipe left. No doubt in my mind she was the fat one in the middle. And with unlimited girls at my fingertips, why even take a few seconds to search the other photos?
Bikini pic with giant sunglasses covering her face? Yes, please. Even if the face isn’t great, her body is still solid. The last few weeks have taken a toll on my confidence and libido, and I’m fine with a slump buster. Let’s move on to the speed round.
Blonde hair and a dog? Swipe right.
Picture of her and her grandpa? Swipe left. She’s probably looking for a serious relationship.
Picture of her on a boat? Swipe left. That’s probably her ex’s boat, and I don’t need to compete with some finance bro making $110K at 26.
Picture of her volunteering with an African child? That’s a shameless self-promo, but I respect it. Right swipe.
Hmmm. Brunette. Not hot. But not not hot. She’s got a drink in her hand in 3/5ths of her photos, so I know we share a hobby. Fuck it, I’ll swipe right. Daddy needs to get laiiii— Oh nice. We matched.
Now I just have to wait for her to send an opener, and ya boy is in. I’ve already got it all planned out. I’m thinking 2-3 days of flirty messaging, then I ask her out for drinks. Nothing fancy. Can’t be dropping all my bread on a girl that’s not a total smoke. We’ll get nice and toasty off some tastings at a wine bar, then back to my place to close it out. Maybe I’ll keep her on the roster, maybe not. Hell, by that time I’ll probably have dates set up for every night of the-
*The ding of the phone snaps him out of his daydream. He eagerly looks at the message and reads it to himself*
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to match with you. You seem great, though! Good luck.”
What the fuck is that supposed to… did… did she just unmatch me? Wow, that’s a real knife in the heart. If I can’t pull a chick I don’t even think is that cute, how am I ever going to meet anyone? Maybe I should just resign myself to a life of loneliness. Clearly, my best days are behind me and now I’ve got to set my bar way lower in an attempt not to become a born-again virgin.
Fuck it, I’m downloading Tinder and just trawling the seedy underbelly of society for a girl that will settle for me. She’ll probably have a kid and tattoos that “her friend gave her in his garage,” and those back-dimple studs. That’s where I stack up now. Those are the kind of girls I can pull now. Why did I think this breakup is a good idea? I should—
Oh, nice another match! And it’s that hot blonde with the dog. Your boy’s still got it. Never doubted myself for a second. Dating apps are awesome. I can’t believe I was missing out on all this sweet action when I was in a relationship. Can’t wait to see what she messages me. .