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The following is a group chat regarding an upcoming wedding.
Kyle [2:13pm]: Dudes. I know it’s only Tuesday but I’m fired up for Barkley’s wedding this weekend. Are we carpooling or driving separate?
Andrew [2:15pm]: I can’t believe that ugly motherfucker snagged Laura fucking Barone and convinced her to marry him. Fuck that guy.
Eric [2:20pm]: I’m down to carpool if y’all wanna jump in my car. The country club is like two hours away so I’m leaving at like noon on Saturday.
Eric [2:21pm]: And I know that shithead really lucked out. Good for him. Must be hung like an ox.
Jack [2:26pm]: I’ll carpool with you babe.
Andrew [2:26pm]: Jack would know, he roomed with him for two years. Probably got plenty of good looks at his meat.
Jack [2:31pm]: Pretty average dick from what I remember. Must be his personality or something dumb like that.
Kyle [2:38pm]: The reception is going to be a shitshow. The last time I saw Barkley he almost died trying to do a drunk cannonball off that houseboat we rented.
Eric [2:51pm]: Fuck I forgot about that. That idiot jumped off the front of the boat while we were moving. Thank god that piece of shit rental barely went over 5mph. And someone is marrying that guy. He’s going to be someone’s husband. That’s wild as shit.
Andrew [2:59pm]: It’s gonna be a mess. I have my money on Kyle being the first to blackout and make a fool of himself.
Kyle [3:04pm]: Fuck you Drew I’m not the one that got arrested a few weeks ago. Someone should probably keep E-Dog’s keys so we have a car to pick him up from jail with.
Andrew and Jack liked “Fuck you Drew I’m not the one that got arrested a few weeks…”
Eric [3:05pm]: Fuck me. And Taylor’s going to be there as a bridesmaid of course. Y’all better keep me away from her.
Jack [3:07pm]: You guys dated like five years ago and she’s got a boyfriend, I think you’ll be ok.
Kyle [3:08pm]: Are you and Alyssa already exclusive? Shit, you move fast. You should take a page out of Andrew’s book and just string her along for like six months.
Jack [3:11pm]: Lmao
Andrew [3:13pm]: It’s been like four months, but…ok yeah that’s a fair assessment.
Eric [3:21pm]: Fuck no we’re not exclusive. Ya boy is still a free man. I just got my tux retailored and there’s not gonna be a dry seat in the house when I get loose on the floor.
Andrew [3:25pm]: Retailored because you got fat. Boom roasted.
Jack [3:29pm]: Look at this guy all cocky now that he’s getting his peepee touched on the regular. Kyle, hope you’re cool with sleeping in the hall once this pussy slayer brings a bridesmaid back to your room.
Kyle [3:31pm]: HAH. If Eric brings a girl back to the room I’d be happy to sleep in the hall. I’ll put fifty bucks on him drunk dialing Alyssa at the end of the night.
Eric disliked “HAH. If Eric brings a girl back to the room I’d be happy to sleep in the…”
Jack [3:41pm]: Hold up. Eric, didn’t you RSVP with a plus one for this thing? Did you hit them up and let them know you’re coming solo?
Eric [4:11pm]: Fuuuuuuuuuck me. I was dating Rachel when they sent out the invites. I totally forgot. Is it too late for me to let them know? Do I just hope they don’t notice?
Andrew [4:12pm]: Hahahaha you’re so fucked. Laura is going to murder you.
Jack [4:14pm]: Duuude. It’s definitely too late. Your best bet is to just eat double at the wedding and hope they don’t notice the empty seat.
Kyle [4:15pm]: Get a hooker to be your plus one. Or a tinder date. That shit would be hilarious. Do it for us. Do it.
Andrew [4:15pm]: Do it.
Jack [4:16pm]: Do it.
Eric [4:21pm]: Fuck that. Should I hit up Alyssa and see if she wants to come? If I explain that it’s a plus one I need to fill it won’t come across as moving too fast, right?
Andrew [4:30pm]: Yeah, definitely tell the girl you’re talking to that you want her to be your date for a wedding, but only because she’s filling your ex’s spot. Also, another one of your exes will be there. Also, she’s going to meet every single one of your degenerate college friends. You should definitely do that.
Kyle [4:32pm]: I honestly can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not because that all sounds hilarious and I want him to do it.
Andrew [4:34pm]: Tbh I started off being sarcastic but talked myself into it halfway through the text. That’s even more entertaining than the hooker date idea.
Eric [4:40pm]: Fuck all y’all. I’m going. I’m going solo. I’m gonna eat for two, drink for two, and get laid for two. We having a good ass time this weekend.
Jack [4:45pm]: There he is. Makes no sense, and it’s wildly overconfident. Love to see it. See you boys on Saturday. .