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Before you ask, yes, I am a psychopath who got married at the age of 23. I am now a wise 26 years old and approaching three years of marital bliss. As such, I would consider myself an expert, slightly more knowledgeable in the realm of marrying young. From layoffs to moves to purchasing a home, my wife and I have gone through quite a bit in our short marriage. I’d like to share a bit of wisdom or a comical anecdote every once in a while from the perspective of someone who is still shelling out for the same student loans most of you are and someone who is all sorts of giddy over the fact that St. Patrick’s day falls on a Friday this year. I’m pretty similar to the rest of you, except my left ring finger is just a tad heavier these days.
I’d like to start by saying I’m not perfect. Obviously. No one is. There are certain things that I do or certain things that I say that cause the Mrs. to shake her head and contemplate whether or not I was the best choice for a life partner and sperm donor. Some are sheer stupidity and others are just me pushing her buttons. Yet, she chooses to overlook these shortcomings. Here a few such examples of things I have been surprised I get away with as a married man.
1. Forgetting Important Shit
It’s not like I mean to forget certain important dates in our history, but it’s just not something I’ve ever been good at tracking. I couldn’t tell you off the top of my head the exact date we had our first date on, or when we became “FB Official.” Because the only thing that matters in my eyes is our anniversary and her birthday. As long as I don’t forget those, I am golden. And I realistically couldn’t rifle off her top-three favorite movies right now. I could probably get one. But stuff like that doesn’t matter at the end of the day. As long as I remember that she only takes one lemon in her Large Unsweetened Iced Tea, I’m a good husband.
2. Playing Video Games
I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed wasting time street racing or shooting aliens in a virtual world. I mean, shit, I actually made my own halo montage back in the day. But I thought all those glory days would disappear when I got hitched. Especially seeing how I would sometimes abandon my wife (then girlfriend) back in college to play split screen with my buddies instead of partying with everyone else on a Friday or Saturday night. However, my wife is very tolerant of this small addiction, even when I would bolt out the door to catch Pokemon with my little brother this past summer when Go was first released. She is a keeper. I am a loser. I realize that.
3. Farting in Bed
No, no, no, it isn’t a full on dutch-oven every morning. It’s just a little greeting that comes as soon as I become conscious to my surroundings, every single morning. Sure, I could roll out of bed and into the bathroom but I’m just not quite ready to get out of bed usually and my stomach will be uncomfortable unless I squeak one out. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. That’s what we agreed upon. It’s not like she can up and leave over some morning gas, but it still surprises me she doesn’t slap me every time I do it.
4. Blacking Out On Her Birthday
This deserves some explaining, but for another time. It is a habit I’ve gotten into ever since we got married. I enjoy her birthday more than she does I think, but we both have a good time whenever we celebrate her birthday with all of our friends. The key is to start the celebrating a little before the first round of drinks, if you know what I mean.
5. Saying Shit Like This
Her Getting Ready – curling iron in hair, clearly distracted.
“Wanna have a quickie?”
Postcoitus.
“Good work out there.” *slaps ass*
Her – folding laundry and cooking dinner at the same time. Me – doing nothing.
“You’re not even watching that, so can I use the iPad? My phone is dead.”
Us going to breakfast.
“Can you drive? I’m hungover or still drunk because we all stayed up until 3:00 a.m. after you went to bed.”
And then this.
Oops. .
Respond
@207Cush
I definitely say: “Let me touch them” at least ten times a day. I’m told no 98% of the time. Glad I’m not alone.
Bet that 2% makes it worth it. Keep shooting, shooter
Maybe I should ask 50 times a day? That guarantees at least one touch a day using that ratio.
I just grab ’em which is almost always met with, “Ugh, stop it.” But sometimes it’s, “Don’t get me worked up if you’re not going to get me off.” I like taking chances.
Ask for forgiveness, not permission
My husband’s go-to is a quick light tap and then the statement “slapping titties is my game”.
The message and the avatar are a truly disturbing combination here.
I’m a girl who works in QA and finds Creed Bratton to be hilarious. Does that help ease your mind?
I know exactly what he’s talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.
The wife and I have an unspoken agreement. Our junk belongs to the other and is gropeable at our discretion. Hasn’t not worked so far.
I like to grab/slap my wife’s butt while she’s using the stove just to keep her on her toes. It’s usually met with a fake laugh/side eye combo. She hasn’t told me to stop though
My wife and I have the understanding that if I see her naked, I’m gonna have me a grab. It’s a fuckin’ miracle this woman let me marry her.
Same, as long as there isn’t a bra on they are fair game (and even when there is I still go for it)
Just got the blessing from the Future Mrs. Ruxin’s father last night. Shit is about to get real.
Congrats, brutha
“Good work out there.” *slaps ass*. TFM
My husband believes that if he just pokes me with, it’ll put me in the mood. I usually answer with “are you fucking kidding me, I’m trying to ___ (do literally anything else but that)!” But, I can’t blame the guy, sometimes it actually works.
Shooters shoot.
6. Getting caught watching porn
At least you can say it’s for work.
“I can get girls like you $1,000 to $5,000 a day.”
Me: “Hey…you want the sex?”
Mrs. Smykowski: “Not right now.”
30 seconds later
Me: “Can I give you all the sex now? I’ll make it quick. Pleeeeeaaase!”
Mrs. Smykowski: “Ugh, fine.”
*skips to bedroom*
Sounds like not much changes when you slide the ring on. Glad to hear it.
Ass slaps multiple times a day, for any occasion ranging from “good job” to “I want to smack your ass” in the Madoff household
This article sounds like I could have written it. Especially the “saying stupid shit” part. Every dad joke is met with an “I hate you” or “Why did I marry you again?”, I constantly say things that make no sense to anyone outside my own head, and I regularly get caught up talking to people at bars half an hour after she wanted to drive my drunk ass home.
They’re saints, truly.
I just follow my better half around with a midnight salute and eventually she does something just so i’ll leave her alone.