Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Sports

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I must admit, I was kind of “off” this weekend. I don’t know if I was depressed because I didn’t win Powerball or simply drained after the first full week of work in quite some time, but I was pretty “blah” the whole weekend. Of course, there was NFL football games to watch on both Saturday and Sunday, so that was something…and it certainly meant that there were a few people that had a worse weekend than me.

Blair Walsh

I’m not entirely sure, but I think it was cold for the Vikings/Seahawks game in Minnesota on Sunday afternoon. At least, that’s what I can infer from the approximately 2,572,476,279 times it was mentioned by the NBC broadcast team. But despite the -3 temperature, the person who had it the worst at the game was not NBC’s annoying sideline reporter, Michele Tafoya – it was Vikings kicker Blair Walsh.

In case you missed it, the Vikings held the lead for the first 3 quarters. However, Seattle came back in the 4th, when Russell Wilson somehow managed to turn a bad snap into a pass that ultimately led to a touchdown.

This was shortly followed by a field goal, putting the Seahawks up by 1. However, the Vikings were able to bring the ball back down the field to give kicker Blair Walsh a chance to win the game with a 27 yard chip shot. Easy-peasy, right? I mean, the dude had scored all of the Vikings’ points in the game up until this point with kicks from 22 yards, 43 yards, and 47 yards.

And then this happened, with 26 seconds remaining:

And you thought you had a bad weekend when you didn’t win Powerball. [Via Sports Illustrated]

Marvin Lewis

Marvin Lewis is the Tom Coughlin of this week. Much like I hate the Giants, but love Coughlin, I think the Bengals play dirty (proven by the disgusting actions of Vontaze Burfict and Adam Jones during Saturday’s game), but I enjoy Marvin Lewis. While the guy is 0-7 in the playoffs, his tenure with the Bengals has featured winning seasons in six of the past seven years, and his 13 year record is pretty decent at 112-94-2.

Despite that, Saturday’s end-of-game collapse versus the Steelers had rumors circulating that Lewis would be fired, particularly given his seeming inability to control his players. However, a number of people called bullshit on that reasoning:

Whatever way you feel about that, Lewis’ job seems to be safe despite the Bengals being one-and-done for the fifth straight post-season. According The Bleacher Report, ESPN’s Adam Schefter is “reporting “Lewis’ future really isn’t much of an issue” and that the Bengals have “no plans” to make a change, which means the 57-year-old would be back for a 14th season at the helm in 2016.” [Via Bleacher Report]

Mohammed Abad

You may not know Mohammed Abad by name, but perhaps you know him as “The Man With The Bionic Penis?” No? How about “The Man With the Bionic Penis Who Is Going To Lose His Virginity To A Famous Sex Worker?” Still nothing? Ok, I’ll fill you in.

43-year-old Abad had his genitals torn off in a car crash when he was six years old. He lived sans-penis until July, when he received an 8-inch mechanical member, which features “two tubes allowing Abad to get an erection with the push of a button.” When news broke that the virgin wanted to break in his new tool, “award-winning London sex worker” (I don’t even want to know what that means) Charlotte Rose offered up her services for free. The dirty deed as scheduled to go down this week…but, as New York Daily News put it, “Mohammed Abad keeps getting screwed, and not in the way he wants.”

And yet again, it was a car that screwed poor Abad. Unfortunately, he was in a car accident this weekend near Edinburgh, Scotland that resulted in a broken leg and ankle, a concussion, two head wounds and a delay in his much-anticipated test-drive of his stick. Luckily, his £70,000 bionic penis was not harmed in the crash.

Maybe it’s in ol’ Mo’s best interest just to stay away from cars? At least until he’s able to turn in his v-card? [Via New York Daily News]

Pizza Lovers

Despite our deep and abiding love for it, particularly at 2 a.m., we know that pizza isn’t that good for us. I mean, there’s no way that something that a combination of cheese, grease and carbs that tastes that good could be healthy. But now comes news what we get our pizza in may be just as bad for us.

According to the Food and Drug Administration, “there is no longer a reasonable certainty” that three “food contact substances” used in the pizza box coating that resists grease and moisture are safe for human use. Apparently, these three substances contain perfluoroalkyl ethyl, a chemical belonging to a group called perfluoroalkyl substances, or PFASs. While these PFASs are also found in microwave popcorn bags and pastry bags, they have been shown to “linger in people’s bodies for years and appeared to increase the risks of cancer and other health problems, according to The New York Times. Thus, the FDA has implemented a ban on them.

See? You thought I was being a glutton when I just got my 3 slices on a paper plate and inhaled them immediately. Turns out, I was just being safe. [Via The Huffington Post]

Leonardo DiCaprio

What? He won a Golden Globe for The Revenant and he had a bad weekend? Yes, because no one is going to remember that he won and instead is only going to recall this:

That says it all..

Image via Ken Wolter / Shutterstock.com

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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