Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Jeb!

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I wish I had some grand stories of my two-day parole from the office, but frankly, I didn’t do much aside from get ready for a busy few weeks ahead. And by get ready, I mean sit on my couch watching Hallmark movies and pretending that I was eventually going to be productive. As boring as that sounds (and trust me, it was actually glorious), I still made out better than some people.

50 Cent

It’s a pretty obvious fact that if you are accused of having something – or not having it, as the case may be – you should take pictures of yourself with said-item and post them on the internet. I mean, only idiotic bank robbers put pictures of themselves on Facebook with the stolen cash right? Well, for someone who used to appear to be a decent businessman (remember that whole Vitamin Water thing?), 50 Cent is apparently no smarter than your average moron.

As we’ve reported, 50 – real name, Curtis J. Jackson III – filed for bankruptcy last July after claiming his finances were ruined after he lost several expensive lawsuits. But the judge in his lawsuit, U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Ann M. Nevins, said during a hearing on Thursday that she’s not sure that Fiddy is being truthful about his financial status. Her reasoning? His posts on social media.

The posts were brought the judge’s attention by three claimants who had been issued judgments against the rapper: headphone maker Sleek Audio, SunTrust Bank and his ex-girlfriend Lastonia Leviston. They say they are owed a combined $29 million from the legend behind “Get Rich or Die Tryin’.”

Judge Nevins has ordered 50 to appear in her courtroom to answer for the posts. Better stop counting those hundreds and start getting your story straight, 50. [via CNNMoney]

The Exclamation Point

The South Carolina Republican primaries on Saturday brought a lot of pain for a lot of people – John Kasich, Ben Carson, any sane person who realizes what will happen if Trump is actually elected. But the thing that suffered the most at Trump’s 32.5% win? Our favorite punctuation mark, the exclamation point. Because it’s top user (aside from drunken girls on Instagram), Jeb Bush, has suspended his campaign.

Bush emerged from Saturday’s primary with a measly 7.8% of the vote. While that beat Kasich and Carson, it was not enough to keep the former Florida Governor in the game. Bush stated, “I’m proud of the campaign that we’ve run to unify the country, and to advocate conservative solutions … but the people of Iowa and New Hampshire and South Carolina have spoken and I really respect their decision.”

While he is out of the race, Bush did take one more shot at Trump on his way out the door: “’I firmly believe the American people must entrust this office to someone who understands that whoever holds it is a servant, not the master.”

Amen, brother. All together now, one more time, for old time’s sake: JEB! [via Daily Mail]

Troy Walker

Who is Troy Walker, you ask? Well, she is the Utah woman who found this in her can of green beans.

Ok, now that’s I’ve stopped cringing, here’s the story: Walker and her church group were preparing dinner for elderly congregation members when they discovered the snake head, which Walker describes as looking like a “burnt bean,” in the can of veggies.

Then, Walker had the presence of mind to do something I would never be able to do because I would still be freaking out: she took the can – and the head – back to the grocery store where she had purchased it, and received a refund. But the money was not her worry: “”My biggest concern (was) that someone else would get the body,” she told KSL.com. Ew ew ew ew.

The channel also reports that “Walker also sent a photo of the snake head to Western Family [the green beans’ brand], which has begun an investigation but could not confirm Thursday exactly what Walker found in her food.”

Um, I think we can all tell what Walker found in her food. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be throwing out all of my canned veggies while trying not to puke. [via KSL]

LSU Football Fans

This should really been everyone in the state of Louisiana because apparently the entire state’s finances have gone to shit, but let’s be honest – LSU football is one of the most attractive parts of the state, next to getting shitfaced on Bourbon Street. And now it’s in danger.

In a statewide address last week ahead of a special legislative session to determine a new budget, Louisiana governor John Bel Edwards detailed the state’s economic woes. He brought up a lot of issues – the possible closure of hospitals, the shutdown of the state’s universities – but he really freaked people the fuck out when he uttered these words: “If you are a student attending one of these universities, it means that you will receive a grade of incomplete, many students will not be able to graduate and student-athletes across the state at those schools will be ineligible to play next semester. That means you can say farewell to college football next fall.”

Here’s the deal, according to Campus Rush: “If a new budget doesn’t pass, LSU would run out of money on May 1. That’s the day before final exams are scheduled to begin for the spring term. Since the university couldn’t pay its professors, those professors would not give exams. This would result in every student receiving an incomplete in every class. In reality, professors would probably give exams early and turn in final grades ahead of a shutdown, but the alternative remains possible if a budget doesn’t pass. With the school shut down, there would be no summer classes. Without spring or summer credits, it’s possible many of the players at Louisiana’s state universities would be unable to meet the NCAA’s credit requirements for continuing academic eligibility.”

Is Republican Governor Edwards’ throwing the possibility of no football out there a gimmick to get a budget passed? Probably, according to one of the Tigers’ biggest fans, Democratic strategic James Carville. But even he’s a bit worried: “You’re right, it’s a gimmick that people use in politics to grab somebody’s attention. But it’s not totally a gimmick here. There’s some reality under it. The budget situation they’re faced with is really frickin’ real.” [via Campus Rush]

Kris Jenner

Honestly, I’m a little scared to even write about Kris Jenner. She is one scary-ass lady. I mean, she literally transformed a family of nobodies in the most followed celebs in the world. So imagine if she was pissed off at you? Luckily, I write under a pen-name, so I can tell you with little fear of retribution that the momager got booed hardcore this weekend.

Mama J was brought up on stage at the iHeart80s Party in Los Angeles on Saturday to introduce Culture Club. If you don’t know who that is, do me a favor and go listen to “Karma Chameleon,” “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me,” and “I’ll Tumble For You.” Anywho, apparently the concert-goers weren’t too happy to see the Kardashian family matriarch take the stage, judging by their reaction:

Um, apparently, they really do want to hurt you, Kris. [via USWeekly] .

Image via Shutterstock

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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