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Ah, Labor Day. The unofficial end of my least favorite season (summer) and the beginning of my favorite time of year (fall). As the seasons change, some major change comes for me too – after a long-anticipated jaunt to Europe next week, I come back to start a brand-new job. As someone who has never changed jobs before, I feel like I’m riding an unexpected emotional roller coaster: one minute I’m happy and excited for my new adventure; the next, I’m sad and scared and on the verge of tears. So while I spent the first half of my long weekend celebrating the happy occasion of a friend’s wedding, I spent the second half popping Xanax like Tic-Tacs trying to get a handle on my feelings. Even so, my three day weekend was still better than some people’s.
Missouri State Football
Listen, I’m not a huge college football expert, but I would think that scoring 43 points in a game would mean that you were having a pretty good day. But for the Missouri State Bears, it meant getting their ass handed to them by their in-state rivals, Mizzou, with a final score of 72-43.
As SBNation said, “If you like nearly meaningless points, you loved this game.” So meaningless were the points that it didn’t even matter when Tigers’ running back Damarea Crockett had this TD taken away for “excessive celebration” due to this unnecessary dive into the end zone:
Mizzou just got this TD taken away for excessive celebration and Damarea Crockett got penalized 15 yards. pic.twitter.com/ORdiAyFj7Q
— Dr. Saturday (@YahooDrSaturday) September 2, 2017
And while Mizzou fans are probably celebrating their 1-0 start…let’s not forget that your crap defense allowed 43 points, ok? Editor’s Note: Longhorns, Aggies, Baylor. Holy cow, they stink. [Via SBNation]
Becky Garfinkel
No, Becky didn’t have a bad weekend because her name sounds like she should be on an 80s sitcom. Instead, it’s because Becky almost accidentally ate an amphibian.
The Corona, CA woman was almost done with her salad from Target when she discovered a small frog lurking in her greens. Instead of freaking out and tossing the entire thing in the trash (as I would), Garfinkel rinsed her salad dressing off the frog and then…well, I’ll let her explain:
(My husband) noticed that he was kind of not moving a lot and he rolled over. So he decides, let’s do some chest compressions. With his finger – I’m not kidding you – barely pushes on the little frog and he breathes and turns around. I’m like OK. We have to keep him.
So there’s a silver lining: although Becky did confess that “I threw up afterward because I was traumatized” and that “I’m petrified of the thought of a salad,” she did get a pet out of the deal, which she’s named Lucky. Plus, Target offered her a $5.00 gift card. Might be time to stop your bitching, Becky. [Via ABC7]
ESPN
When news broke that the Cleveland Browns cut Brock Osweiler as the team cut down to a 53-man roster ahead of Saturday’s deadline, it only made sense that ESPN covered it. I mean, given that the Browns paid a pretty hefty price to get the quarterback from Houston earlier this year, his cut was one of the bigger ones that went down this week. But unfortunately for ESPN, the font they used to share the news sent a message they probably weren’t intending…
@AllbrightNFL So ESPN might want to reconsider their font choice. Just saying… pic.twitter.com/3zgdUwyxi4
— Trey 🎸 (@NuckChorris81) September 3, 2017
Nothing like an unintended reference to women’s genitalia to kick off the season. You could argue that Osweiler had the worse weekend, but let’s be honest: dude is still going to make his millions. If we feel bad for anyone, it should be the Browns (who we should just feel bad for perennially anyway): by cutting Osweiler, they only saved about $1 million, meaning that they essentially paid $15 million for a second round draft pick. [Via 12UP]
The Ladies
Ladies, how much time do we spend listening to dudes talk about their dicks? They tweet us about them, they send us unrequested pictures of them, they even randomly grab them in public. You would think with all of that cock conversation, men would be able to return that favor, right? Or at the very least, they would be able to find all of our parts while they are shoving their schlong at us during a hookup. Well, not so much on either front.
A new survey conducted by The Eve Appeal for Gynecological Cancer Awareness Month found that, despite their endless discussion of their dicks, most men are uncomfortable discussing lady parts. The study also asked 1,000 men to label the vagina on a diagram of a vagina, vulva, cervix, ovaries and the Fallopian tubes. In a result that probably comes as no surprise to my sisters who have experienced a dude having no idea where his dick enters during sex, only 500 correctly labeled the vagina. Shocking…not.
Additionally, it was found that many men believe that the vulva (the external female sexual organs comprising the labia and clitoris) is actually the vagina. No wonder dudes have so much trouble finding the clit. Perhaps the folks at ESPN could create some font-centric graphics to help them out? [Via New York Post]
Anyone That Takes This Seriously
Actually, anyone that takes this seriously is probably having a tough time..
Image via Philip Lange / Shutterstock.com
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
I am the CLIT commander!
And they’re not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. The C.L.I.T is not real.
No the clit is real. Its the female orgasm that’s the myth
IMO Mizzou should be more embarrassed with letting an FCS school post 43 points on them. Sure, getting 72 hung on you is god-awful, but your an FCS school taking on an SEC opponent, so it should be a beat down to some extent. Neither team should be proud of that game
As a Mo State Alum our football team is bottom of the barrel terrible, so scoring 43 on a SEC team and in-state rival is a win in my book.
Mizzou & MO ST aren’t rivals.
Exactly. Playing in that game and giving any sort of competition is a huge win for Mo State. Everything about Mizzou just keeps trending worse and worse
Im assuming this article was written prior to the 4th quarter of the Texas A&M game. And you missed the rest of the Texas area college football games.
A fun fact I learned: 40% of my guy friends think girls pee out of their vagina…
They don’t???
I mean, where else would they pee out of? Their nose?
Joe Webb hasn’t attempted an NFL pass in 5 years and he is currently making more than Brock Osweiler. Let that sink in for a moment.
Lol Texas college football teams. But at least you guys have the Cowb…oh. And the Tex…oh.
!!!!!
Bill, we still have the Frogs. Once we win the big12 and run the table in the playoffs, we will silence the haters
Admirable optimism, but let’s be real: the winner of the Big 12 will be one of the two Oklahoma teams. But then again, it’s September 5th and a lot can change by Thanksgiving.
Unless Mayfield gets hurt, its going to be Bedlam and then Bedlam part Deux the very next week. The Big 12 is looking at another down year.
Actually for some reason this year Bedlam is the first Saturday of November, so there’s a month in between then and the Big 12 Champ game. So you never know what could happen in that time span.
2017, man, 20-goddamn-17.
lmbo
All those lady parts listed might as well be National Treasure 4..or 5? Forget what number we’re on.
I’m just happy for that frog.
For the people that are pointing their fans to blow the hurricane away: That’s what HAARP located in Alaska is for. There’s a reason why it’s strategically placed under the Jet Stream. But instead of using it to deter severe weather patterns away from here, it is used to strategically manipulate weather patterns for strategic benefit lol
I would absolutely LOVE to watch some alien documentaries and talk conspiracies with you.