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I’m sitting here in bed facing a Monday full of travel after spending a week in my hometown. Still bloated and wondering if I’m somehow still hungover from Independence Day, I’ve never needed to sort through a crop of bad weekends like I’ve needed to today.
Let’s get into ’em.
I went up to visit a friend from college in DC this weekend and matched with this local hottie on Bumble. I told her I was a local and hit her with a Harry Potter themed pickup line. Immediately charmed, she agreed to drinks in Adams Morgan. Although we actually did vibe pretty hard, the whole date I was just spewing straight dog shit out of my mouth as far as “work” is concerned and nervously avoiding any DC-related subjects that would give away the inconvenient truth that I’m just a lying tourist from the South looking for some strange. We went back to her place for wine and had sex through the first Harry Potter movie, followed by a decent night’s sleep and morning sex. On my way back home she asked why my location said I was 50 miles away and I ghosted like Nearly-Headless Nick.
She also reads PGP. Molly, I’m so sorry. Also I lied about being a Ravenclaw – I’m Slytherin af.
No offense, but sounds like her weekend was much shittier than yours. That being said, you’re definitely a shitty person who would’ve never been in Ravenclaw. Slytherin it is.
I know you’re on vacation will, but content never sleeps. Went to the turnpike troubadours concert where I spend a part of the time drunk tweeting a pgper. After wards went to a gay bar where the opening band and I got shirtless for free drinks. Then ended the night almost getting in a fist fight with our Uber driver because I couldn’t convince him that the company he was “interning” for sucked. I really hate me right now.
Need. to. see. these. tweets.
If it makes you feel better, at least you probably weren’t the drunkest person at the Turnpike Troubadours show. I hear their lead singer is a real shitshow IRL.
girl i dated for 3 years was allegedly coming to the bar i was going to friday. i decided to counteract possibly seeing her by taking a xanax and starting to drink at 8 (i did a power hour alone). fast forward to the bar and unsurprisingly she doesnt show. so im very drunk very early for no reason. i was with my buddy and someone he knows that ive met once previously. my buddy disappears and leaves me with a guy ive met once. i start shooting off texts to every girl that i know will answer. ones at the bar we were at so we find her and her friend. drink with them for rest of the night and i go home with her while the guy i was with and her friend go their separate ways. i blackout in our uber and the only things i remember are throwing up in her front yard and leaving before going in. according to texts i walked home which is about a 30 min walk. no idea why i didnt get another uber and im sure we’ll probably ever speak again.
You know it’s going to be a big one when the second sentence involves the word “Xanax.” Hint from someone who’s prescribed: take in small doses and don’t drink on it under any circumstances. Disobeying those rules can really fuck you up.
Let’s see who can top this.
Drove two hours back home to a buddy’s wedding. Country club, two open bars, you know the drill.
Had a mild pregame but things escalated at the reception. My Ohio University buddies started forcing everyone to take shots of Jameson which didn’t couple well with the continuous vodka sodas.
Piled into the back of a pickup truck with 15 other people, including bride and groom, to continue the party at a local watering hole. Things began to get pretty blurry at this point. I was slurring words and striking up conversation with the same people who I was avoiding the majority of the night.
My dad came to DD for some of us and I decided to puke out the window and all over the side of his car. I offered to clean it in the morning but it was spotless by 8am. I couldn’t handle the disappointment.
Now I’m back in the city, lying in bed and dreading my 8am flight to Chicago tomorrow morning.
“Country club, two open bars, you know the drill.” I’m glad that’s the niche I’ve carved out for myself. Either way, that sounds like one hell of a wedding. Keep pounding, and maybe mix in some waters next time. .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I think we’re all dying to know…Molly, are you out there? Have you seen your PGP fame?
Also congrats on sex, Molly!
If it’s the Molly in DC I know, then the opposite of congrats on the sex.
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Twist: The entire story was actually a metaphor for this guy’s experience being on molly over the weekend.
I had to look up what DTR means.
Care to share?
DTR = Define the Relationship… news to me also.
dont worry I did too
Ditto
The dude in the first story is lame for visiting friends and ditching them for a girl. You came to D.C. to see your friends, don’t skip out on that for a one night stand
Or pretend like you’re NOT a tourist.
Lame for that, and for not just saying what he’s after. If he was honest, she very well may have still gone home with him. But no one wants to be manipulated. And then ghost? Not cool bro. Not cool.
Yeah I was going to say this too. Not only what he did to the girl was kinda shitty, but he also bailed on his buddy for a Tinder date?
Dude, there are plenty of women and opportunities for sex in the future (I promise you that every desert eventually gets some rain), but meaningful and lasting friendships are rarer and harder to come by as you get older.
That first person was ambitious with that Bumble date. Only fitting that they would be a Slytherin.
Blacked out on Sunday Funday and now I’m at work trying to keep it together, not going well.
Name checks out
I was at a friend’s wedding once with my ex. We pre-gamed heavily because there was a cash bar. I walked in the lobby to look for our table seating card and thought my ex was looking next to me. I found it and patted who I though was my ex on the backside and said “lets go.” I looked ahead and saw my ex. Turns out the girls whose backside I patted was the Best Man’s GF. She was already huddled up with her friends pointing at the creepy guy who gave her an unsolicited butt-pat. Safe to say I had a lot of explaining to do…
My wife and I were at a museum a few years back that had an exhibit on 9/11, including a bunch of debris and personal effects taken from the Towers, Pentagon, and crash site in Pennsylvania. She got a little emotional and went to give me a one-armed side hug only to realize the guy standing next to her wasn’t me and that she was hugging a complete stranger while crying. At least he was cool about it and the humor broke the somber mood for all parties involved.
My best friend got married two years ago, and he had this big black tie affair wedding, with all of the ladies in some sort of evening gown. During their first dance, I went to grab a refill for the group. With everyone’s back to me, I set the drinks on a table, and went to give Miss Bogey a nice grab and squeeze. I knew when I squeezed it was the wrong butt. Turned out to be another one of my friend’s wife. She was 4 months pregnant, and just said ” I haven’t gotten that much attention in months.” Miss Bogey let it go very quickly.
The author of the first submission should humblebrag just a little bit harder next time. Also should have stopped by Chesapeake Bay the view is great from 20-30 feet below the surface this time of year
Evan Felker might not be a great guy (or he may have turned himself around since his incidents) but damn does TPT put on a damn good show. Best live show I’ve attended when I went in May
He was strong Friday, rumor is he is sober now. Regardless they crushed it Friday. And yes I am the guy from above.
Honestly that wasn’t my worst drunk tweet exchange with someone or even a PGPer on twitter.
Don’t feel bad, I too made a complete ass of myself at that concert
How badass was the show though?
Very badass
I think he turned it around. A friend of mine saw them in like January 2016 at the concert when he hit rock bottom, but from all accounts he’s gotten better and when I saw him in November last year he was outstanding as always.
Can’t endorse them enough. Such a great live act
Still pissed I didn’t get an invite to that TPT show.
I know I should have invited you; my bad team, my bad.
I was down in North Carolina filming my grad school thesis all of last week and celebrated on Friday by getting drunk at karaoke night at a Tiki Bar in Lake Lure North Carolina, which was exactly as gloriously white trash as it sounds. Then had to ride 10 hours back to DC on Saturday with a bad hangover.
I know Tiki Bar. It’s a hard place to make good decisions in.