Five Generic Millennial Dude Trends That I Just Don’t Understand

Five Generic Millennial Dude Trends That I Just Don’t Understand

It’s been three years since I graduated college, and while it may not seem like it, I’ve matured a lot since then. I’ve started eating healthy a respectable four days a week. I’ve stopped participating in Sunday Funday and, in turn, have become a much better employee. I even went on a run the other week. It was horrible, I hated every second of it, but I think that’s what growing up is.

That being said, there are still several trends that I see all my friends following that have absolutely zero appeal to me. Maybe I’m just a kid at heart but I cannot, for the life of me, understand why people do these things.

1. Having a Nature Valley Bar and a Banana for Breakfast.
I can’t think of a worse two things to eat as my very first meal of the day. I understand the need for something quick and relatively healthy, but why this specific health bar? Am I the only one who doesn’t want to A) eat what tastes like a pile of wood chips, and B) be picking crumbs out of my clothes for the next six hours? When it comes to foods, “messy,” and “tasteless” are often on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Fucking Nature Valley Bars defy all odds and manage to be a disappointing combination of both.

As for bananas, I think I’ve made it clear that they are my least favorite fruit. Something about the texture and taste always make me gag, and as far as I can tell, they’re really only good for being a vehicle for peanut butter. There are plenty of other healthy and easy breakfast options; everyone needs to stop glorifying this shitty combo.

2. Wearing Button-Downs to the Bar.
I know, we’re all trying to make ourselves and our entry-level “Account Executive” job titles seem more important than they are, but why are t-shirts no longer allowed? Overnight, my friends went from wearing casual clothing to the bars to rocking the same gingham H&M shirts with the sleeves rolled up. I know you think it makes you look like a stockbroker that just got off the floor or an international businessman that just stepped off a G6, but it doesn’t. You look like a clone of the 30 other dudes in the bar that all just finished up a day of half-assing excel sheets and slaving away for that 10% commish they’ve been working on for three months.

3. Subscribing to an Upscale Newspaper or Magazine.
When I went over to my buddy’s place last week, I noticed that he has a copy of the Wall Street Journal on his coffee table. Now, I’m not going to hate on anyone for reading the WSJ, but we both know that’s not what he is doing. He is paying for a subscription solely to but on a pretentious act when people came over, and I see this behavior popping up more and more with recent post grads.

You can subscribe to The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Post, or National fucking Geographic if you want, but everyone knows you’re actually getting your news from Twitter and Facebook links. The same goes for that hardcover of Identity Economics you just “happened” to leave sitting out on your nightstand with a bookmark 1/3 of the way in. We all know you haven’t gotten through more than four pages of that book, and if you actually do read, it’s a James Patterson thriller on your kindle. There’s nothing wrong with that.

4. Wearing Designer Gym Clothes.
Why am I getting hated on for rocking cutoffs and old frat shirts? I go to the gym to work out, not to be photographed for a Nike billboard…although, that is my dream. Don’t get me wrong, I love wearing dope gym attire as much as the next person, but when I see people who are always rocking different, brand name, coordinated attire to the gym, I have to think they’re not working that hard. I guarantee the girl whose Lululemon racerback top is matching her clean and pristine Nike flyknits isn’t sweating nearly as much as the girl in running shorts and an old, oversized tank.

Save the designer athletic attire for when people are actually seeing you – brunch.

5. Email Threads For Casual Conversation.
In the past three years, the platform for casual conversation with my friend group has shifted from 100% group chat to 70% group chat / 30% email chains and I can’t figure out why. I understand if we’re trying to make plans that involve linking to other sites, flights, etc, but if we’re just shooting the shit, why do I have to be involved in a 40-email chain?

Not only that, but people are using their work emails for this chain. What is the possible upside that comes from mixing business with the kind of horrifying, demotion-inducing things we discuss on a day-to-day basis? My only thought is that it’s easier to email at work without getting caught instead of text, but if you can’t hide the fact that you’re getting paid to slack off most of the day at this point in your professional career, that doesn’t bode well for you. Maybe it’s just because unread email notifications give me anxiety and text notifications don’t bother me, but this trend confuses and annoys me.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email me if you want some bad advice:

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