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It’s been three years since I graduated college, and while it may not seem like it, I’ve matured a lot since then. I’ve started eating healthy a respectable four days a week. I’ve stopped participating in Sunday Funday and, in turn, have become a much better employee. I even went on a run the other week. It was horrible, I hated every second of it, but I think that’s what growing up is.
That being said, there are still several trends that I see all my friends following that have absolutely zero appeal to me. Maybe I’m just a kid at heart but I cannot, for the life of me, understand why people do these things.
1. Having a Nature Valley Bar and a Banana for Breakfast.
I can’t think of a worse two things to eat as my very first meal of the day. I understand the need for something quick and relatively healthy, but why this specific health bar? Am I the only one who doesn’t want to A) eat what tastes like a pile of wood chips, and B) be picking crumbs out of my clothes for the next six hours? When it comes to foods, “messy,” and “tasteless” are often on the opposite sides of the spectrum. Fucking Nature Valley Bars defy all odds and manage to be a disappointing combination of both.
As for bananas, I think I’ve made it clear that they are my least favorite fruit. Something about the texture and taste always make me gag, and as far as I can tell, they’re really only good for being a vehicle for peanut butter. There are plenty of other healthy and easy breakfast options; everyone needs to stop glorifying this shitty combo.
2. Wearing Button-Downs to the Bar.
I know, we’re all trying to make ourselves and our entry-level “Account Executive” job titles seem more important than they are, but why are t-shirts no longer allowed? Overnight, my friends went from wearing casual clothing to the bars to rocking the same gingham H&M shirts with the sleeves rolled up. I know you think it makes you look like a stockbroker that just got off the floor or an international businessman that just stepped off a G6, but it doesn’t. You look like a clone of the 30 other dudes in the bar that all just finished up a day of half-assing excel sheets and slaving away for that 10% commish they’ve been working on for three months.
3. Subscribing to an Upscale Newspaper or Magazine.
When I went over to my buddy’s place last week, I noticed that he has a copy of the Wall Street Journal on his coffee table. Now, I’m not going to hate on anyone for reading the WSJ, but we both know that’s not what he is doing. He is paying for a subscription solely to but on a pretentious act when people came over, and I see this behavior popping up more and more with recent post grads.
You can subscribe to The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Post, or National fucking Geographic if you want, but everyone knows you’re actually getting your news from Twitter and Facebook links. The same goes for that hardcover of Identity Economics you just “happened” to leave sitting out on your nightstand with a bookmark 1/3 of the way in. We all know you haven’t gotten through more than four pages of that book, and if you actually do read, it’s a James Patterson thriller on your kindle. There’s nothing wrong with that.
4. Wearing Designer Gym Clothes.
Why am I getting hated on for rocking cutoffs and old frat shirts? I go to the gym to work out, not to be photographed for a Nike billboard…although, that is my dream. Don’t get me wrong, I love wearing dope gym attire as much as the next person, but when I see people who are always rocking different, brand name, coordinated attire to the gym, I have to think they’re not working that hard. I guarantee the girl whose Lululemon racerback top is matching her clean and pristine Nike flyknits isn’t sweating nearly as much as the girl in running shorts and an old, oversized tank.
Save the designer athletic attire for when people are actually seeing you – brunch.
5. Email Threads For Casual Conversation.
In the past three years, the platform for casual conversation with my friend group has shifted from 100% group chat to 70% group chat / 30% email chains and I can’t figure out why. I understand if we’re trying to make plans that involve linking to other sites, flights, etc, but if we’re just shooting the shit, why do I have to be involved in a 40-email chain?
Not only that, but people are using their work emails for this chain. What is the possible upside that comes from mixing business with the kind of horrifying, demotion-inducing things we discuss on a day-to-day basis? My only thought is that it’s easier to email at work without getting caught instead of text, but if you can’t hide the fact that you’re getting paid to slack off most of the day at this point in your professional career, that doesn’t bode well for you. Maybe it’s just because unread email notifications give me anxiety and text notifications don’t bother me, but this trend confuses and annoys me. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
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You know how I know you’re from California? You think that wearing a button-down shirt makes you look like a “stockbroker or international businessman” rather than a dude who put in the minimum effort to go out for the night and be presentable.
And also there’s a HUGE difference between a button down and an actual dress shirt that I wish some guys would recognize. Your stiff collared dress shirt made to wear with a neck tie should not be worn to a bar unless you just took off said tie after work and are still in your suit. AKA a stockbroker or businessman doesn’t wear a button down, he more than likely wears a dress shirt so that comparison is irrelevant.
As somebody from CA, pretty sure he just doesn’t get that you can just wear a button up out. Some of us do try to be slightly more presentable than a t shirt depending on where we are going out, especially if we are single.
Please do not associate all Californians with him. We’re good people.
Surprised no one has commented on bananas making him gag. Then again I may just have a middle school sense of humor…
Didn’t even know that a “granola bar and banana” was a trend
Cmon guys, if you’re not consuming part of a dead animal for breakfast you’re fucking up in a major way
I can count the number of times I went to a bar at night in something that wasn’t a button down in college on one hand. Having graduated and now no longer being looked down upon socially if I’m not wearing a button down has been liberating.
Pretentious or not, WSJ is listed as a highly rated unbiased news outlet. I don’t know anyone who gets their news from Facebook.
Um, it’s definitely biased towards the right, but it’s right up there with NYTimes as far as quality coverage.
The WSJ editorial page certainly skews right, but their actual journalism and reporting is impeccable.
I never knocked their journalism; it’s simply biased to the right. You’ll never get “unbiased reporting,” so it’s just something to keep in mind. The NYT and WSJ are the gold standards for journalism this side of the Atlantic, but that doesn’t change their biases.
That’s bonkers. The only two places to get reliable, unbiased news is the WSJ and Bloomberg.
“graduated”
I’ve never heard of this Nature Valley and banana trend, but it is definitely missing a protein component. Also have my conversations with my friends haven’t migrated to email…
It’s quick and easy. I can sleep in till the last possible second. Roll out of bed, shower, get dressed and I’m out the door.
Granola bars are dog shit. Carbs + sugar = crash later on
Simple carbs + a little protein totalling 250 calories = Nature Valley = Snickers bar.
I mean I always struggle as to what to wear to the bar because polos are basically obsolete anymore and a t-shirt just makes it look like you’re not going to get any (which you probably won’t.) I never go with the straight button down though, I always wear a vest (which you will probably also say every guy does) with either a button down underneath or just a long sleeved tee. There’s a very fine line of bar attire for men between trying too hard or looking like you really don’t care about yourself.
The henley is easiest and most comfortable go to move. You can even roll it to 3/4 sleeve if you want. Probably my choice 75% of the time.
curious as to why polos are basically obsolete.
I always took polos as something you wear during the day at outdoor events, cookouts, etc. but seem a little silly in a bar setting.
I mean in the north we don’t really wear too many of them anymore. Like “Polo” polos. But in the south I see a lot of performance collegiate polos still being worn in a bar setting which I can get behind, but they’re just not relevant in the north anymore unless you’re golfing or doing some outdoor activity like Centrum alluded to.
Temp setting. I’m from south GA, from April to September, anything other than a golf polo is miserable to wear. And you’re not going out in a dri fit t-shirt. I live in Chicago now, much more comfortable setting to wear a button down for a larger portion of the year.
Couldn’t agree more. Oklahoma checking in and you can basically only wear dri fit polos from April to October or you will die.
3/4 sleeves are a good go-to.
“half-assing excel sheets and slaving away for that 10% commish,” me in a nutshell.
It’s time to stop using the old fraternity shirts as gym shirts, especially 3 years after graduation. It’s just sad after awhile.
Can I still bum around the apartment/house in them? Don’t make me give up my comfort colors shirts.
Yeah, you can’t completely give up all those fond “memories”
I saw a lady at Trader Joe’s the other day, had to be at least 45, still wearing a Delta Gamma shirt. It confused and frightened me.
That’s just what tanning beds do to yah man. Bet she wasn’t a day over 25.
Is there an age where the shirt goes from being sad when you’re wearing it, to funny that somebody is wearing it, and if so is there another age that it gets sad again?
The last thing I’m thinking about in the gym is how someone is going to judge my sweaty ass t-shirt.
Or it’s just economical. You have old t-shirts lying around that no longer have any other real use; they become perfect gym shirts. No need to drop cash on new shirts, especially as a cliche broke millennial.
Old frat and college athletics shirts make up 90% of my tshirts, no chance I’m going out and buying new ones. Washed up or not, I’m tossing those in the gym bag 10/10 times