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The nuclear triad refers to the three components of our country’s ability to carry out a nuclear attack: by land-based intercontinental ballistic missiles, submarine-launched ballistic missiles, and aircraft bombers. An easier way to think of this is to remember the opening lines of Megadeth’s “Rust in Peace… Polaris,” a cheery song about nuclear holocaust: “Tremble you weaklings and cower in fear; I am your ruler, land, sea, and air.”
Not unlike the nuclear triad, us normal folk possess the ability to deliver a devastating assault on sobriety and decency by utilizing any one component of the triumvirate of mobile alcohol consumption methods. It’s one thing to get hammered while you’re remaining stationary at a bar or party, but doing so while you’re in transit enhances the drinking experience exponentially. You can also pretend that you and your group are using your drunken influence to mobilize and conquer new lands. It’s kind of like Risk, except instead of using tactical strategy and cunning to amass as many territories as possible, you’re just a bunch of assholes chugging beers on the way to act like buffoons at your next destination.
The land aspect of this mobilized drinking trio is especially lethal because of its versatility. The ground game can be enacted in any number of ways, the most basic of which is simply walking around. Part of what makes going to a place like New Orleans or Las Vegas so great is that you can freely waltz down the street with a drink in your hand without worrying about open container laws. Even if you live pretty much anywhere else in this country that enforces those oppressive laws (if Emperor Trump mandated a nation-wide abolition of open container laws, I guarantee his approval rating would immediately shoot up to 100%), it’s still fun to sneak roadies around like you’re a high schooler carrying vodka in a Gatorade bottle.
Drinking inside anything with wheels makes for a great pre-game too. Splitting a fifth or cooler of beer with your buddies on a train ride to a ballgame, parade, or other event being held in a major city is almost a rite of passage for young people growing up in suburban areas. But by far the best vehicles to drink roadies in are party buses and trolleys. There should be a requirement for all bachelor/ette parties that they all must have a party bus portion. Limousines kind of fall under this category too, but the buses and trolleys have the advantage of being able to walk around in them. Any time I’ve been on an event with a party I think I’ve had more fun on the ride than at the destination itself. It’s you and a wild crew of people getting shit-housed in an enclosed space while it drives around. It’s like a Hollywood Undead song on wheels. The nicer the bus, the better so you can feel classy while pounding tallboys of domestic beer. And when you arrive at your destination, people will see your bus pull up and immediately, to quote the same Megadeth lyrics from earlier, tremble and cower in fear as the goon squad you’re rolling deep with terrorizes whatever establishment has the misfortune of hosting you.
For this, I’m not counting beers that are drank at the airport because technically you’re still inside and on the ground for that. But once you’re on the aircraft? You might as well tell the flight attendant to just keep coming back to your seat to keep the drinks coming. Especially if you’re going on a bachelor party or other type of fun trip, the first drink you get on the plane is when that shindig starts. I also love reading stories of fan bases that fly out to other cities to see their team play and drink the planes dry. That’s a certified power move to make your presence known to the wussy hometown fans. Don’t get too rowdy, though. Because if you get your ass kicked on a plane for being annihilated drunk, you don’t get to sue the airline company and make a ton of money, they’ll just throw your ass in jail when you land. Airplane drinking is the pinnacle of drinking – literally, because that is the highest elevation that we can drink at since astronauts sadly cannot drink beer in space yet.
Summer signals the official start of boat-drinking season. It doesn’t matter what kind of boat you’re on so long as you’re slammin’ beers out on the water. Taking a little paddle boat out to “Go fishing?” Don’t lie, we all know you just want to have a few drinks to yourself out on the peaceful waters. I’m pretty sure that’s the whole point of fishing. Got an old pontoon or other motorized boat at your lake house? Fire that bitch up and bring your friends out for some beers while you cruise. Make sure you honk at every boat that passes by and show them that you party harder than they do. Own a yacht? Please invite me on it so I can hang out and party with you, I promise I’m not too much of a shithead. Even if you don’t have access to a boat, you can get a bunch of floats for your friends and have a float trip down a river near you. Just make sure the float holding the beer cooler doesn’t get lost downstream.
It should go without saying, but never ever drink while operating any of these motorized vehicles/aircrafts/boats for any reason ever. Don’t do peddle pubs either, because you’ll look like an asshole. Drinking while moving around rules, no matter what leg of this little alcoholic triad you use. Have fun, be safe, and enjoy your roadies. .