With the recent advent of the anti-vaccine uproar, modern society has become polarized on the issue of whether or not children should be vaccinated. Major rhetoric against vaccines includes:
• Vaccines cause autism
• People don’t want to inject their children with unnatural chemicals
• Someone’s four-year-old son is actually a flesh-toned balloon and the parent is concerned a hypodermic needle will pop him
Major proponents for vaccines — including normal parents, Jimmy Kimmel, and every medical doctor outside of Rand Paul — claim that frequent and simple vaccinations prevent the spread of previously eradicated illnesses and any argument against them is nonsense.
But you know what they say — variety is the spice of life. I say, let evolution run its course. While we’re at it, here are a few other modern practices on my shortlist for abandonment.
1. Helmets And Seat Belts
There’s a reason why nobody looks cool in a helmet. It’s because helmets are super lame. Helmets serve no purpose other than to deprive the world of great comedy. Some of the greatest comedic performances throughout history exist only in spite of helmets, including Massive Headwound Harry and everything Gary Busey has said since 1988. Sure, helmets save lives, but at what cost?
Similarly, people need to stop wearing seat belts. You know who doesn’t wear a seat belt? Cool people, like Princess Diana and Dale Earnhardt. Seat belts are just helmets for cars, so if we’re nixing vaccines and helmets, seat belts are gone, too.
2. Prenatal Care
Normal babies have been a staple of society for the past century, but as trends evolve, it’s only natural that we progress as a society and move away from the norm. Everybody has a normal baby these days, and personally, I’m sick of it. If you want your baby to scream “boring soccer mom” then fine, take your prenatal vitamins like all the other suburbanites. For all you trendy mommies-to-be, get yourself a carton of smokes and a palate of steel reserve. You’ve earned it! Added bonus, tobacco is a plant and malt liquor is just made of hops, so your one-of-a-kind baby will exit the womb vegan friendly. Make sure you don’t feed the baby formula, which is Satan’s brew of corporate greed and chemicals. No, hook your four pound, two ounce bundle of joy up with a strict, gluten-free, kale diet. Your kids will thank you in the long run.
If I’m not going to inject anything unnatural into my kids, why would I inject chemical-laden latex into my significant other? I was personally protesting condom use well before this long overdue anti-vaccine movement came along — just ask my many children or the numerous doctors who’ve had to inspect my junk over the years. This should be a relatively simple abandonment, as I’m clearly not the only one protesting condom use, judging by the number of syphilitic morons producing litters of unvaccinated toddlers.
4. Basic Hygiene
According to modern science, regular cleaning of oneself is generally considered a decent first step to avoiding common illnesses. However, considering we’ve already figured out that science is a steaming load of government bullcrap, we’ll toss that advice to the curb with the rest of the trash. Daily showers? No thanks, I prefer my natural musk, because, you know, homeless people aroma is so good. Dental care? Who recommended that? A dentist? Hard pass, I actively avoid that shaman voodoo at all costs. Added bonus: With all the money you’ll save on dentist visits, toothpaste, and toothbrushes, you’ll be able to afford regular maintenance on your special baby’s iron lung!
For those of you out there with common sense, go ahead and keep taking care of your kids and not pounding Old English with a bun in the oven. For the rest of you, take my advice, keep it trendy, and let evolution run its course..
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