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If I went by the commercials and advertisements that cover every inch of available space as soon as Thanksgiving is over, I’d think that the last month of the year was filled with nothing but magical snowflakes stuffed with money and Xanax. The holiday season is supposed to be all about taking time to be with your family and chilling out. If that’s true, we should all stop working immediately and run home, put fluffy socks on, and sit in front of a fire with a hot toddy. What happened to that whole idea, I’d like to ask – because that’s never how my holiday actually plays out. Where the fuck is that dream right now?
Oh, right. It doesn’t exist.
The holiday season is the most stressful time out of the entire godforsaken year. Not only are we dealing with ass chap from the freezing weather, but we’re supposed to drop more money than we’ve spent all year on one single day. Then, on top of buying gifts, you have to travel home. That means either an expensive plane ticket or hours of driving through fog, rain, or snow to whichever divorced parent you’re visiting first this year. If you’re a millennial with a dog, myself included, you’re probably trucking them home with you. My dog is high-anxiety (of course) and will need to be drugged out of his mind to endure the hours in a car necessary to get him to a place that he loves without him dying of asphyxiation on the way there, which is a great metaphor for my life in general. The trip home also means maxing out whatever vacation time you have left, ensuring the new year is filled with desperation you don’t get the flu that your youngest cousin was definitely incubating.
Speak of the devil: Let’s talk about our family members.
Christmas is supposed to be spent with your loved ones. Like, the people you actually love. Instead, what inevitably ends up happening is that the weird aunt you haven’t seen since you were four shows up and you have to be polite and chat with her. Basically, those weird ass relatives who like to show up for free food always pop their damn heads out around the holidays, and you’re forced to act not only as though you have a fucking clue who they are, but also that you care about them in general. So instead of getting to hang out with your parents, siblings, or some other relative who actually loves you, you get to spend most of Christmas day listening to Aunt Bernice tell you about how much she misses the crack pipe.
All I really want during the holidays are a few genuine, relaxed days with the people that I love. I enjoy our traditions – the decorations, the food, and the lights on the tree. I really do. But I have no money, no vacation time, and very little patience for relatives I’ve met once that I’m supposed to care about solely because we share a tiny amount of genetic material.
Everyone talks about the peaceful feeling of Christmas, and this year, I’d like to actually capitalize on the “peace” part, and chill the fuck out. Time is the one thing you can’t put a price tag on. Let me do a puzzle with my mom for three hours. Have my sister’s puppy fall asleep on my lap on the couch. Drink a beer with my dad. Have Santa hat sex with my fiancee. That’s my Christmas list. .
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Rory Gilmore
Rory Gilmore on the outside. Emily Gilmore on the inside. Email me funny shit at rory_gilmore20@yahoo.com.
@rory_gilmore20
Well Bah-fucking-Humbug to you too
It’s glorious here in Ireland, I love this time of year. Sure the days are short and the weather is shite. But it’s a time for catching up over drinks with people you don’t regularly see – high school friends, undergrad friends, postgrad friends, family. It gets exhausting, but it’s good fun! We do a thing called 12 pubs of Christmas, where me and my mates do a pub crawl on the Friday before Christmas with lots of silly rules/punishments in each pub etc. Not sure if that’s a thing stateside, but it should be!
I’d be interested in said rules for Xmas bar crawl.
Can’t think of them all off the top of my head. But a few are; the pints in the 3rd pub are to be consumed in the toilet of said establishment, you can’t use your hand to pick up your pint in pub 5 (if you can get a spoon off the barman you’re in good shape), in pub 6 you’re not allowed to speak to anyone else in the group so you have to strike up conversation with someone random AND a designated person will initiate a round of obnoxious laughter that everyone else has to do at same time. But the absolute best is probably ill advised, but hella fun. We build an 8-10 foot cross/crucifix, and the last person to finish their drink has to drag this monstrosity to the next pub. This initially started with the Rock of Shame (around 80-90 pounds). But we changed it a few years ago to the cross, because we’re festive…
this is brilliant
Thanks. I should add that while most are within walking distance, there is a 10 minute bus journey in between pubs 3 and 4 and the person carrying the cross MUST pay the bus driver to bring the cross on for the journey. We keep trying to get more and more outrageous with it every year. Last year one of the boys showed up with a full on crown of thorns he made… Was genuinely painful, not sure if there’ll be a repeat.
I love hearing UK people say “shite”. Makes my day everytime
It’s an Irish thing and we’re very much NOT part of the UK, but I know what you mean so cheers to that
12 pubs is so amazing. My cousins enlightened me last year when we went.
Rik…..
Cringe
The short answer: No. Unless you saved PTO up for this season or you’re in education.
Gotta love companies that shut down between Christmas and new years
Being at a company that doesn’t shut down between Christmas and new year. PGP
Also Christmas is on a Monday this year
Congrats on the Santa hat sex
What is this aforementioned Santa hat sex? Asking for a friend…
Couldn’t agree more. It can also be the busiest time of the year for many industries. Pair that with vacation time being based on seniority so you can’t even take time off around Christmas. All in for getting my immediate family presents, but our work team doesn’t need to sponsor 5 families.
Have you considered not being such a poor? I’ve never understood why poor people don’t just get more money.
Too busy spending it on gas because your lazy ass can’t walk up a hill.
I’d love to “get” more money. I’ve been trying to do just that for the better part of a year, but I’ve been rejected for lots of opportunities. Since it doesn’t grow on trees, I’d love to know how to get it, since you seem to know the tricks.
Dave, I think you’re missing the joke here.
Clearly. Wouldn’t be the first time.
It’s all cool, I missed a joke one time, too.
Always down to lend a helping hand, it’s a pretty easy process actually:
1. Have money
2. Don’t not have money
Real talk though, hope things start looking up and opportunities start panning out for you.
Short answer: yes, the people who celebrate with Chinese food and a movie.
Nope plus if you live in the northern US cold as shit outside so no fun outdoor stuff worst time of the year
Learn how to ski
I work in the floral wire service industry so it’s the start of our big “season” which runs from Christmas through Valentine’s Day, not to mention scrambling to buy presents and everything else. I haven’t had time to put my tree up even.