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I’m getting a little fed up with the constant stream of articles on my feeds that read as condescending chastising directed at people my age – we’ll call them “millennials” – especially when it comes to how we go about playing the dating game.
Is there a lot of shit wrong with my generation? Yes. We care too much about our Instagram followers and less about our 401ks. We spend what little money we have on experiences. We watch trashy TV (sidebar – Bachelor in Paradise premieres August 8th. Get that in your calendars). As a generation we get called out on a lot of our schtick. But the one place I don’t think it’s fair, at all, is in the dating sphere.
We got reprimanded for ghosting. For breadcrumbing. And now? Now we’re getting slam balled online for this little thing called “cushioning.” It’s when you intentionally gain 15 lbs to add some cushion for the pushin’. . . just kidding. It’s when you’re in a relationship but you still flirt with a bunch of other people.
That’s it. That’s what that it. There’s actually a name for it! And apparently only millennials do it! And apparently it’s frowned upon!
Haven’t people been doing that for centuries? Eons? Millennia? Epochs? It’s just human behavior; it’s natural instinct. But for some reason, it’s given some dumb name, slapped onto the millennial brand as some sort of black spot, and berated online by some curmudgeon who probably got their heart broken by a millennial.
Per NY Post:
Millennials have found a new way to sabotage relationships.
“Cushioning” is a newly coined dating term wherein a partner in a monogamous relationship still flirts with other people — so if their main relationship goes kaput, there’s a backup ready.“I was seeing someone for a few months and it was going well, but it felt like the dust had started to settle a bit,” Anna, a cushioner who didn’t want to disclose her full name for personal reasons, told the Tab. “I still liked him, but wasn’t entirely sure I wanted him to be my boyfriend and was in limbo. Instead of talk about it, the rational thing to do was to go back on Tinder and find some more boys to chat to, just in case the current one fell through.”
Another cushioner, Lauren, said that she was still messaging lads while “hooking up” with her steady.
“It was always awkward when their names would light up my phone while I was sleeping over [my boyfriend’s] place, but I felt like I needed them as an insurance policy,” she told the Tab.
Meanwhile, Rosie believes cushioning lets her channel her neurosis on guys she’s not that interested in, while still keeping her cool with her main flame.
“When I really like a guy, I find a ‘B team’ guy to keep on the side to channel my crazy,” Rosie told the Tab. “I go on dates with him before I go out with ‘A team,’ literally as a practice round.”
Cushioning is the most recent term young people have come up with to articulate petty dating practices instead of communicating like rational adults.
Previous trends have included “ghosting,” where people gradually stop responding to messages and then disappear on their romantic interests, and “breadcrumbing,” where singles continue to leave traces of hope for dating prospects that they’re not actually that interested in.
The title of that article is “new dating trend proves millennials continue to fail at relationships.” Hey, news flash, we fail at relationships, but not because of shit like “cushioning.” Blame it on all of our inflated egos and sense of self-worth. Blame it on the participation trophy PC culture we were raised in, a generation of people who have trouble being told they’re wrong. BUT, do not blame it on cushioning.
Any normal, sexually-charged person is going to get their flirt on. Doesn’t matter what your relationship status is. When you’re dating someone, the flirting tends to die away a little. Sometimes the passion fades. It doesn’t mean I’m going to go out there and take Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids to pay dirt with some random floozie at the bar! It just means I might act like I want to, get my flirt on at the bar, maybe keep her number to put a new prospect in the pipeline.
I don’t see how “cushioning” is proof that this generation is bad at relationships. I’d say this is even almost responsible! One batter strikes out? Good thing you’ve got someone on the on-deck circle to step up and see if they’ve got any better luck..
Image via Shutterstock
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
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Sounds like emotional cheating to me. If you’re truly committed and happy with someone, all your needs are being met and you don’t seek them out elsewhere. Otherwise, there are issues with the relationship. And of course, as our generation is wont to do, we don’t take the hard, but right way by communicating with our partner. Instead, we take the easy way out with this “cushioning” stuff. Those relationships are already doomed.
And there is a stark difference between being in a committed relationship and still going on Tinder, and being in a committed relationship and talking to the attractive girl at the bar.
Yeah it’s completely unhealthy to keep someone around just incase something goes wrong.
If you’re already thinking about a plan B then your plan A is already a failure and you might as well just break up then.
Plan B is always plan A
Not knowing what breadcrumbing is. PGP.
I think there’s a difference between flirting a little at the bar or at work, vs. texting dudes from tinder and going out on dates with a guy before your date with your actual boyfriend.
The occasional playful banter- Good
Shady texting on the side- Bad
This. There is nothing wrong with a little flirting that’s done in passing. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you must stop all interactions with guys/girls who aren’t your friend or significant other. People need to just relax.
I’d even venture to say that if you feel the need to completely ignore the opposite sex, or require your SO to do so, then you are in a toxic relationship and have some deeper issues that need to be resolved.
Oh I 100% agree with this. That is a toxic and dangerous mindset to have.
Adding on to this, if I’m at the bar with my SO and he wants to go chat and flirt (in passing) with other girls, fine with me. But I have also been comfortable and confidant in those relationships that I knew he was coming home with me so it wasn’t an issue. Also, was nice to know we didn’t have to be attached at the hip when we went out.
Back in the day all these things were called “life”. Now everything is given a dumb label just to become a segmented datapoint for an analytics report. We’ve guinea-pig’d ourselves and the scientists are each other. Also, hell yeah I’m gonna dump my money on experiences now because what type of world do you think you’re going to retire into? Most of us straight up won’t retire so live for now and like die at 55 so you don’t have to worry about all the shitty things on the back end. You’ve already crapped yourself when you were a baby, no use in repeating that cycle at 85 in an overpriced, college-dorm like place where people are learning that they missed out on a lot of good things while growing up because they believed bullshit for so long
This. I remember posting a while ago about the irony in our generation trying to “rid the world of labels” yet we are by far the largest creators/consumers of labels.
We’re not doing anything different fundamentally than any generation before us. Everyone’s personal lives are just much more public/visible now which makes it significantly easier to make overarching generalizations and create labels for things that people used to be able to hide.
these are all things that have always occurred but now we must give them douchey names
I was dumb and stayed with a girl who I found out was doing this because I thought once we had been together long enough it would stop. I came to the conclusion that people who do this don’t want to truly end up with the person they’re with; they just don’t want to be alone. They’ll jump ship if someone they think is better comes along. No relationships where this happens will ever succeed.
Modern dating practices and morals make me cringe
I think I’m gunna hang on to this article for when family members start to heckle me about being single.
How do people keep multiple relationships straight? I can barely manage my own life, I can’t imagine trying to keep lies like this
Cushioning isn’t cool and isn’t helping relationships but it’s not a millennial thing. Just easier to cushion with tinder, bumble, etc to use.