Coworker Threesomes, Juuling With College Kids, And Lost IDs: The Worst Stories From This Weekend

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Hungover. Bloated. Tired. There’s no shortage of ways to describe the Monday morning after the Super Bowl. Some people will tell you that it’s the worst Monday of the year, but you’re not one of those people because you know the Super Bowl is a litttttle overrated if your team isn’t actually playing.

I wouldn’t know because I’m a Lions fan. Anyway.

As always, we break some of the following stories down on Touching Base (subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud). All the episodes can be found below. Proceed with caution.

Alright, let’s get into this week’s crop of stories which can be found unedited in quotes below.

Long time reader, first time writer.

So I work in Boston and our company had our sales kickoff last tuesday-thursday in Santa Monica. My Sister and two of my college buddies live in San Fran so I decided to stay out there through the weekend and see everybody.

Friday started lunch with my college buddies, then heading over to my sisters school to meet her coworkers and do happy hour. I am 3 years younger then most of them and they wanted to show me a good time so we decided to keep the night going. 4 bars later it was 2am and my sister and I go to our hotel. I needed pizza so I drunkenly stumbled around until I found a place. Make my way back to the hotel and start taking with the receptionist. She invites me behind the desk and we start making out, after a few minuets I realize its not going any further so I go to bed.

Saturday rolls around and the Arizona basketball game was on at 2, then the celtics played at 5 so the group of us 4 where drinking all day. My sister and I grab dinner then she calls it a night. My friends have to leave as well so I was by myself. Go to a few different bars until I meet a pair of guys that had 1 girl with them. They ask me back to guys apartment and the 3 of them proceed to smoke a shit ton of weed. The girl and myself hit it off so we leave to her friends apartment (she was crashing on her couch for the weekend) and proceed to have sex in the kitchen/living room of her friends studio. The morning comes around and we have sex one more time.

I need to get back to my sister but the girl wanted to hang out with both of us for some reason and she wasnt talking no for a reason. I see that she stops to look at flowers at a farmers market and literally run away from her. She had gotten my number so she starts blowing up my phone so I told her we went to a random bar I knew we were not going to send her away.

Drank a little on Sunday, then took a red eye back to Boston and had to be in an hour earlier then earlier. Needless to say, this has not been my most productive day.

While there’s a lot to unpackage here, there’s one constant that needs to get addressed: you’re absolutely terrible at picking your spots to hook up. Behind a reception desk? In the kitchen of a studio apartment? What’s next, the ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier?

Full disclosure: I’m not sure if that’s a very public spot at all. I’m basing it solely off Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.

I don’t know where to start. I think I’ll start with the $90 I spent on a Lana Del Rey ticket months ago for a concert 4 hours away. As a guy I wasn’t fond of this but if it was an excuse to go to state college for a weekend then why not, I kinda like her.

It started with meeting friends (all girls lol) an hour away after class on Friday for them to threaten to leave me over 5 times if I didn’t meet them on time. I beat them by 30 minutes….. while driving 90mph on E. It’s not exciting until we make the 3 extra hour trek of my whole Friday to psu and decide to get started with the bag of wine my roommate sent me. The first question was why I even brought wine only.

Anyways, we get to the hotel, me and my two friends who are girls and huge Lana fans. The one girl is freaking out that we need to leave immediately (3hrs before doors even open) to get to the line. This left me with no choice but to get trashed in under 7 minutes before we left the hotel, how else would u want to watch Lana Del Rey. I mean after all she did pay for the hotel and drive us up there so I.T was the least I could do.

4/5 of bagged wine later and I’m feeling fine. Until doors open at 7pm and I don’t know what happened, I guess I got cocky with the wine and blacked out that early. I didn’t even mean to do any of that. I have one vivid memory of a really shitty opening act. The next puzzle piece is cops threatening to arrest me If I try to reenter the concert. The transition of those pieces make no sense but I can’t imagine what happened in between.

With the girls still inside I bet I saw two songs max before I found myself at the student union juuling with two random kids and getting a girls number. $90 and half my weekend to lose the dignity I don’t even know I lost, receive numerous juul hits, and a number from a girl I was too sauced to speak to let alone hook up with. I don’t know how I got back but I woke up and apologized. I have no shame in a way because I still refuse to let them tell me what happened but it’s still pathetic. She’s my best friend but this probably won’t be funny to her until her wedding. Wine being the culprit too isn’t any better either. Atleast I can tell people I’ve seen Lana Del Rey if that is any consolation at all, it really isn’t.

Man, didn’t realize Lana concerts got that aggressive. At least you reached the holy grail and got to juul with college kids in the student union. That’s huge for your brand.

This story must be shared to get it off of my chest.

About three weeks ago I departed the States to Barcelona for a 4 month study abroad program. These last three weeks unhealthy amounts of alcohol have been consumed daily. I had not ran into any significant issues until this past Sunday night, where let’s just say, things got out of hand. After spending the day in a coastal Spanish beach town, where I was plastered all day, missing my train because I fell asleep in a ice cream shop and then luckily catching another train back (which I had to sit on the floor in misery), I made it back to my neighborhood to call it a night. After seeing a bar called Pablo EscoBAR, I decided I’d get one last drink and catch up with some locals. Next thing I know, the bartenders took a liking to me because of all the knowledge I possess about the great Pablo Escobar and they preceded to pour me roughly 7 shots of Jack Daniels on the house, through out the night. Next thing I know i’m pouring more shots of with some French moms that didn’t speak english.

My call history indicates I called my girlfriend at 12:30AM which is when I left the bar (No recollection of this). Next thing I know it’s 5 in the morning and I have not made it inside my apartment. My keys are no where to be found, but even worse my brand new iPhone 8. I have no memory of anything between realizing I couldn’t find my keys and being at the bar taking pictures with some moms. I’m still plastered and i’m panicking. I show up to a hotel to ask for a phone he denied the request and i cussed him out. I go to a different hotel and they let me use the phone but no one I called answered. Finally against all morals, I decide to call the emergency number that the study abroad program gave us and I pretty much snitched on myself. For some reason, at the time I thought it would be a good idea to tell them I got drugged because I didn’t want to admit how much liqour I had consumed. This is where I messed up. After telling the story to the administrator I realized that to get into my building I would have had to have my key. So I ran back to my building and end up finding a way in to find my cell phone and key in a odd storage closet. After consulting with my girlfriend and doing some detective work I determined I slept in the storage closet between the hours of 1 in the morning until 5 in the morning.

I’m currently dealing with my University back in the US and am waiting for a call from the office of student contact, who I was assured by my study abroad coordinator back home will be in contact with me today. Only lesson learned was always handle things on your on and always get drunk enough to sleep until atleast 8 in the morning to wake up in a better state of mind. There’s more to the story but I shall leave it to this for now.

I included this story to make a point, everyone. A very important point at that. You’re going to complain that a “college” story was included, and you’re going to be vocal about it in the comments. And to that, I say this: send in more of your worst weekends to me at will@grandex.co so I’m not forced to select stories from those younger than us. I’m not saying that this week’s crop wasn’t good (because it was), but it was light in the sheer number of submissions. Be better.

I am writing to you on a Saturday because I’m honestly not sure if my body will survive the rest of the weekend. I went out drinking last night (I will spare you the boring details of me being a shithead) and now I have the ultimate hangover with includes: extreme dehydration, normal hangover symptoms and what I assume to be food poisoning all at once.

Send help.

I don’t think she fully understands the concept of this column. The actual point of the column is to actually explain the boring details of how you were being a shithead.

I’ve been at a work convention (that we hosted) for 5 days. Thursday, after an open bar event, some of the younger coworkers party hopped with some of the conference patrons and that’s when things started to get a little blurry. We ended up at a bar with some people from companies that work with us and some conference attendees. First and foremost, a married couple tried to get me to go home with them for a threesome and I was completely oblivious. They each straight up told my coworkers that they go out looking for a third attractive party to go home with. They’re having marriage troubles and thought this would help. Listen, I have bad self esteem issues so first of all, I’m flattered. Second, cracking up that I was oblivious. I thought I just made new friends. When they bought me a drink, my coworkers threw it on the ground and we ditched them.

Eventually, I ended up making out at the bar with this incredibly attractive guy from my office building (not same company) that I’ve had a thing for since I started. He came back to my hotel room, I’ll spare you the details, and we were up til 5:30. I had to be at an event at 6:30. I managed to shut my alarm off and woke up at 7:30. Threw on some clothes, didn’t have time to shower, and stumbled down there with a hickey on my neck. A bunch of Directors from our Board kept asking me how I was feeling. I don’t remember talking to any of them. I was also informed and another coworker and I told our President how terrible of a boss we have…they’re friends…I may not have a job this week so wish me luck!

I talked to the guy I hooked up with so luckily things aren’t too awkward. If by chance you’re reading this, not trying to throw you under the bus and lmk if you wanna do it again.

Damn, this work convention sounded like a Player’s Ball. I’ve never heard of having a threesome with an outsider as a way to save your marriage, but hell, if it works then I guess you go with it. Your coworkers could’ve at least let you drink the free cocktail. Doesn’t seem unreasonable.

She also followed up with this:

Oh and I lost my ID for the first time in my life. We weren’t carded a single time we were out so my guess is the married couple stole it to hunt me down.

Maybe the dude you want to hook up with again has it and is waiting for you to DM him on Instagram.

So I have got blackout drunk the past two nights. Friday consisted of me going to see Hostiles with my parents as a last minute plan (more on this later). Pretty good tbqhwy. But then I went to a friends bday party at a brewery after and decided that high abv beers were a good idea after drinking double whiskeys during the movie.

Then I get drunk Saturday day with a girl I went to high school with and we end up making out. Longtime coming but now I’m dreading a conversation with her about potentially dating. Very sweet girl and doesn’t deserve whatever douchey thing I’ll end up doing to make her not like me anymore because I still miss my ex and…well yeah enough on that. Then I went to the la Kings (shouts to all my kings) game. 6-0 win over the coyotes so that was tight but then i saw there was avion at the bar in staples center. Pretty sure I sent you a snap of my ripping a shot of this by myself, which is a pretty good summary of my night.

Friday night I was SUPPOSED to grab drinks with a girl from Hinge. Hit her up Thursday morning to finalize a time for the following night. No response. Double texted 12 hours later because I’m a wild boy like that, confirming if we were still on…nada. She is alive, I confirmed because she posted to her snap story recently.

Anyways, here I am, a handful of margs deep watching the super bowl and Ole Hinge girl comes back from the dead. “So….what do you think about drinks tonight? I need to redeem myself.” I consult with the boys, we decide that calling her bluff is the best plan of action. Who in their right mind would actually go out after the super bowl? Well, this chick. Because I said yes and she asked where we should meet. It’s happening now.

JT is going OFF on the tv right now though. Soothing my anxiety, although temporarily.

Anyways. Gonna get drinks with a girl that ghosted me for two days after the game because I 1) am desperate? 2) have a massive sense of self loathing? 3) All of the above.

My boss will undoubtedly chew me out for no goddam reason tomorrow. This mother fucker doesn’t even know what Hulu is. But nonetheless I will be hungover for all of it. I feel like this is almost turning into a mailbag email. Dillon, be on the lookout for an email this week.

Goodnight, William. 3rd quarter starting now. Go pats I guess? Cheers to me hopefully getting laid in a few hours.

I’m going to glance over the line, “This mother fucker doesn’t even know what Hulu is,” despite how good of a line it actually is. Who defaults to Hulu?

I don’t think it’s psychotic that she would want to go out after the Super Bowl. She could’ve been drunk, horned up after JT, or both. Probably both. I think it’s more psychotic that someone would want to do drinks on a Sunday night. I’ve discussed why Sunday first dates are the worst idea in the universe at length, so that’s neither here nor there.

Either way, good luck in the office today. Wouldn’t hate a follow-up. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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