Colorado Woman Learns Lesson On Texting And Driving The Hard Way, Gets Impaled In The Ass By Guardrail

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the last few days (and considering it was Labor Day weekend, you may have been passed out near one), we’ve been reminded that our phones can get us into trouble.

If your name is Christina Jahnz, “trouble” is a new insurance premium and sodomy via guard rail.


Jahnz had dropped her daughter off at school and decided to send her friend, I’m going to call her Julie, a text. Jahnz, who claimed that she was sending a “voice text” to Julie, looked down for just a “split second” to make sure her text was correct. Apparently, Jahnz was sending Julie a novel, because though she estimated her speed at a staggering 20 mph, she still managed to run directly into a guardrail that went straight through her car, through her thigh, and into her butt.

After rescuers sawed the guard rail off in order to free Jahnz, she was taken to the hospital where doctors essentially stitched up her butt.

“I went into surgery and I lost count of the stitches after 40,” said Jahnz. I assume she was also given a lobotomy, as she lost count at only 40.

There’s still no word on what has suffered the most damage: Jahnz’s butt, her daughter’s reputation, or her husband’s hopes and dreams as #buttstuff has officially been taken off the table.

All I can really hope for here is that Jahnz was sending a text to Julie venting about how motherhood has ruined her sex life and that she really needed to get railed.

Author’s note: texting and driving will probably not lead to #buttstuff, so you shouldn’t do it.

[via 9 News]

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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