Burger King Proposes McDonald’s Join Forces To Create The McWhopper

Burger King Proposes McDonald's Join Forces To Create The McWhopper

And so it was written in the Good Book, presumably next to the part about stoning homosexuals and not eating shellfish, “In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together; the leopard will lie down with the baby goat. The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion, and a flame-grilled quarter pound patty will rest gently on an extra piece of bun, drenched in an overly-relished splooge that passes itself off as ‘special sauce.'”

Ladies and gentleman, I tell ye to rejoice, for the Immaculate Myocardial Infarction is upon us. All hail the McWhopper.

In full-page ads running in The New York Times and The Chicago Tribune on Wednesday, Burger King, a perennial also-ran in the burger races, has asked McDonald’s, its battered but still potent archrival, to join forces.

The goal? To operate one restaurant for one day staffed by employees of both companies and selling a burger called the McWhopper, a blend of the Big Mac and the Whopper, the best-selling burgers at McDonald’s and Burger King.

The proposed promotion’s proceeds would go toward Peace One Day, a nonprofit group that raises awareness for the United Nations’ Peace Day. Say what you want about the UN – they’re powerless to stop Putin; it lacks any real power; its logo looks like someone stole a hood piece off a Chrysler – but those guys sure know how to inspire a cholesterol-fueled party.

Future generations will be looking back at the day that Ronald McDonald and the Burger King set aside their long-time beef in favor of Grade C beef as they look back on Yasser Arafat and Yitzak Rabin hugging it out alongside Bill Clinton.

What a great day for America, and thus, the world.

That is, until the McDonald’s CEO shot the idea down on the company’s Facebook page, shortly before this article was published.

“Dear Burger King,

Inspiration for a good cause… great idea.

We love the intention but think our two brands could do something bigger to make a difference.

We commit to raise awareness worldwide, perhaps you’ll join us in a meaningful global effort?

And every day, let’s acknowledge that between us there is simply a friendly business competition and certainly not the unequaled circumstances of the real pain and suffering of war.

We’ll be in touch.

-Steve, McDonald’s CEO

P.S. A simple phone call will do next time.”

Goddammit, Steve. Just had to take that one piece of happiness I had this morning and rip it up, didn’t ya? The lesson, as always: Peace is dead and God hates my hopes and dreams.

[via New York Times]

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell makes jokes to hide the fact that he's upset, because that's what children of divorce do.

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