Dependable Coworker Seeks Consistent Lunch Partner

Dependable Coworker Seeks Consistent Lunch Partner

If you’re not in sales, you probably don’t get to leave the office during the day. For many, the departure from the lot between 11 and 1 is the only freedom available, outside of headphones and a group text. That’s why it’s imperative to have a reliable lunch partner. At least one.

Recently, my lunch situation changed for the worse. My once rock solid lunch pal moved into a new role within the company, and with that move came inconsistent lunch schedules. That is why I’m seeking a new lunch partner that possesses the same lunch values that I do. If you meet all or most of the following requirements, holler at a player when you see him at Taco Tuesday.

Must Not Get Caught Up In Fads

I can’t deal with someone that jumps from Paleo, to a juice cleanse, dabbles in gluten-free, and then back to traditional Atkins’ all within a 5 month timeframe. It’s hard enough to decide on a place when we don’t have constraints placed upon us by your desire to drop a quick 15 before the high school reunion. Oh, you can’t do Jason’s Deli with me because you might be tempted to order a California Club? You’re worthless and weak, and I don’t have time to accommodate your lifestyle.

Don’t Criticize My Jams

Just look straight ahead when I start the car and Rihanna blares from my factory speakers. I cast a wide musical net, and “Diamonds” is a great song. If I’m nice enough to drive to lunch, you should withhold comment.

Must Be Ready When Claiming To Be Ready

When I hit you with a Gchat asking if you’re ready, and you respond in the affirmative, and I confidently stroll into your office ready to hit the road but you give me some bullshit like, “Gimme one sec I’m responding to this email,” then don’t waste your time. I’ve been apart of too many lunch relationships like this, and they never end well. What am I supposed to do as you finish up that spreadsheet? It’s awkward if I just sit there in your office in dead silence checking my phone as you continue to work, but I’ve already shut my laptop. It’s not like I can just go back there and start working until you’re ready. I have no room in my life for selfish people.

Can’t Leave Trash In My Car

My allergies are killing me too, but I’d never leave a dirty tissue in your cupholder. The same goes for that Fanta you had to refill before we left that you barely even touched. That was wasteful, and inconsiderate. My car is dirty enough with my own shit.

Shoot Me Straight

If you have other plans, you need to let me know. Don’t make me look like a fool when I walk down to your side of office like a helpless puppy only to find out you went to lunch with Brad. Don’t play games with me. I’ve been hurt before, and I’ll probably be hurt again. Just let me know so I can start the healing process.

Don’t Surprise Me With Some Bullshit Errands

When I’m done shoving a spicy deluxe, waffle fries, and a drink down my gullet, the last thing I need to hear is, “Hey, I need to run by Office Depot real quick.” You bastard. I feel bad enough already, and I’m really looking forward to sending a few pointless snaps of my face with the cyclops laser eyes out with a clever caption. Don’t kill my post-lunch vibe.

That’s pretty much all I’m looking for. Seems reasonable to me.

Image via YouTube

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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