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I was once told, “You follow people too easily” and it was, without a shadow of a doubt, the most embarrassing moment of my life. Me? An easy follow back? I never thought my life would come to that dreadful moment where people just knew that I’d hit them with a follow if we had a meaningless 1 a.m. bar conversation or subsequent hungover brunch. But there I was with my tail between my legs wondering how I got to that dark, desperate place.
The dynamics of following someone on Instagram are intense whether you want to admit that it’s something you think about or not (and no one will actually admit that because it’s an awful look). You wonder why someone doesn’t follow you back. You question if it’s been too long to follow someone when they obviously followed you months ago. And you’re obviously not going to stoop to the level of requesting to follow someone. Ew.
But accounts near and far are thirsty as ever for that follow, and they have no shortage of ways to ensure they up their numbers. These, by far, are the most shameless ways they’ll go about it.
“Love your photo!”
Shoot me straight, random person on Instagram. You don’t actually like my photo. You’re just hoping I see my activity feed and think to myself, “I should check these people out,” on the off-chance you may catch a follow because of your emotionally empty comment. Below is a list of actual comments I’ve received on the last four photos I’ve posted:
This is beautiful!
Awesome:)
*smile emoji*
*thumbs up emoji*
*sunglasses emoji*
Nice one!
I dig this:)
WOW! This is incredible!
Pure, unadulterated laziness. Never do I say to myself, “Man, I’m going to follow this person because they commented an emoji on my photo months after I posted it.”
#paragraphs #of #hashtags #in #a #second #comment
#nothing #reeks #of #desperation #more #than #commenting #on #your #own #photo #with #a #bunch #of #hashtags #in #hopes #that #your #photo #will #catch #fire #in #some #subset #of #Instagram #and #all #of #the #sudden #be #your #big #break. #it’s #one #thing #when #a #brand #does #it #but #it’s #the #most #sad #when #you #see #it #implemented #by #a #random #person #who #clearly #hasn’t #told #their #friends #their #aspirations #to #become #Instagram #famous #yet. #and #don’t #even #think #of #deleting #these #hashtags #when #a #week #has #passed #and #your #Instagram #has #sailed #its #course. #we’re #all #onto #you.
Like like like like like like like.
Your phone lights up. “Did someone die?” you wonder while staring at the illuminated screen blinking into your face. Nope, it’s just an absolute barrage of Instagram likes coming through from one single account desperate for that follow back. In their head, they’re thinking to themselves, “Obviously, if I like enough of this person’s photos, I can guilt them into throwing me a pity follow.” But in your head, you debate going private and never dealing with these quasi-bot accounts ever again.
Follow… unfollow.
“Oh, a new follower! Nice!”
Wrong.
That notification is nothing more than a Fit Tea brand or bikini model who bought a teeth whitener for the sole purpose of looking like she has enough followers to get a sponsorship even though she bought it for $29.99 off an infomercial starring Scott Disick. I don’t care if you’re #TeamFollowBack or some scorching hot tanned Australian girl, tossing your boy a follow isn’t enough for me to click-through to your profile let alone cause me to follow you back.
Fast forward a week and they’re scrolling everyone they follow just mashing that unfollow button pretending their shittiness never happened. It’s enough to make me go full-Kanye and unfollow anyone and everyone. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Breaking Down The Most Shameless Way To Get Instagram Followers
Writing an article about your instagram.
Bingo
I go with the tried and true method of posting tasteful nudes.
Mike Honcho?
I, personally, stole hundreds of photos from an Instagram model, and acquired about 200k follows before deleting them and replacing them with pictures of my shitty life. Works every time.
Ingenuity at its finest.
See I write columns about people sliding into my DMs and it’s been working out okay.
I’m still shocked at how well that seems to be working
Same here, man. Same here.
I’m not, but I Shakespeare did well with the ladies, and men.
Pretty embarrassing that anyone over the age of 22 cares about how many people follow them on Instagram.
I instagrammed my graham crackers. I guess you can call that an insta-graham, my insta-fam
I followed Will months ago, didn’t get follow back #awkward
Need this but for Twitter
Extra level of anxiety: hearing from this website that people can now track who you follow and what photos you like on Instagram.
Sorry to make your anxiety worse… but that’s been around for years.
Realizing you are becoming increasingly less familiar with technology and social platforms: PGP.
#gimmiedemlikes