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In my experience, there are two ends of the spectrum when it comes to guys and levels of boldness when approaching girls. First, of course, there is your standard aggressive guy. You know the one – he grinds up on the girl without asking, he buys her a shot and nags her until she takes it, he puts his hand on the top of her head and not-so-gently pushes her down to indicate he’d like her to go down on him. Then, at the other end of the spectrum, is the wimp. He never approaches a girl on his own; the only way he gets laid is when he plays wingman for his more outgoing friend and the other chick isn’t so hideous that he resists taking her home after a few Jack and Cokes.
What I’ve discovered in the last few weeks is that there is a rare dude that falls in the middle of the chutzpah chart. I first encountered it with my friend James, who, despite asking me to make out with him the first night we met, is absolutely one of these middle-of-the-road guys. The other night, we were texting and he told me that he called a girl to ask her out. That’s right, he didn’t text her “dinner?” or “wanna fuck?” He actually called her. And asked her on an actual date. And what’s more, he even point-blank told her he was interested and would like to see her again. Excuse me while I pick my jaw up off a floor. A guy that can be direct about what he’s thinking and feeling without being a total dick and/or pussy about it? It’s a Christmas-in-July miracle!
So then I wondered, is James a unicorn? Are guys who have perfected this art of being somewhat aggressive so rare that when we stumble upon them, we ladies should husband them up as soon as possible? (I tried, but despite wanting to smooch when he was wasted, he wasn’t interested). But then I happened upon the guy who is now saved in my phone as Train Guy and I discovered there were more guys like James out there.
I was on the train home from New York City on a Sunday afternoon with one of my friends. We were sitting near the door so, as people boarded, we were passing the time the same way every single human who takes public transportation does: by playing the “Would I have sex with him/her?” game. One of my yeses sat down in the seat behind us, but as that I was rocking the “totally hungover/no makeup/likely didn’t shower” look that I tend of favor on Sundays, I didn’t think much of it and I certainly didn’t make a move. Instead, my friend and I simply continued our varied conversation, which included such important topics as our dating lives, what clothes she needed to buy her new dog, and if Magic Mike XXL was worth the ticket price. About halfway through the ride, the Yes behind me asked if I had a pen he could borrow. No big deal. Then, as he exited the train, he handed me back the pen, with a note in the clip:
Interesting choice, right? But, my gentlemen friends, it was the correct one. Had he interrupted us, I would have thought he was too assertive and would have tried to exit that convo as fast as possible; had he not done anything at all, I would have gotten away. But what this guy understood is that most girls don’t want too aggressive or too passive — what they want is a story. “He interrupted my discussion” or “he totally ignored me” isn’t a story. But that note? That note was a tale that got texted to approximately 852 of my girlfriends, every single of one of whom responded with an “Awwww!” and “You have to text him!” That story is probably the reason that guy is going to get laid the next time I’m in New York.
The problem with most dudes today in the dating world is that they don’t fall into that sweet spot at the center of the boldness spectrum. They either try too hard or not hard enough, when what most girls want is the charisma that falls in the middle. The charm that gives her a story of a note in a pen clip or the tale of a drink sent from across the bar that she can share with her friends. So whether you want a one-night stand or a long term relationship, if you want her to notice you, aim to be the moderately aggressive guy. The guy that actually asks her if she wants to dance instead of humping her leg uninvited or staying at the table of his bros tapping his foot. The guy that picks up the phone and calls once, instead of sending a hundred texts or none at all. The guy that asks the girl what kind of food she likes and then makes a reservation, instead of picking a sushi restaurant when she’s allergic to fish or leaving it up to her to make all the plans. The guy that she’ll tell her friends is awesome, not a jerk or a coward. The guy who’s reasonably assertive, but not excessively or insufficiently so. And then you’ll probably be the guy that gets laid. .
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
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How to be moderately aggressive:
1. Be attractive
2. Don’t be unattractive
Congrats…
Pretty sure you’re describing most normal dudes
A woman’s preference as to what a particular man should do to gain her attention varies by the minute.
As for being allergic to seafood/gluten, instant deal breaker, always sushi on a first date to weed out the weak.
This is good advice, but the Middle Path applies to everyone. There would be a lot more moderately aggressive guys if more women were moderately gentle on turning men down. Firm but gentle, somewhere in between stringing him along and saying “eww OMG no.” By the way, your Train Guy falls into the coward category. Giving someone a note and peacing out is the best way to not get turned down face to face.
It’s a goofy maneuver, but I think it illustrates the fact that it doesn’t matter what you do, but how attractive you are when you do it.
Damn straight. Had he been a “no” in her “Would I have sex with him/her?” game, that note would have gone from “Awww, how cute” to “Ewww, creeper”.
The real social experiment would be to see how her friends would react if she did not put any inflection into the text she sent them. If she just said “Look what just happened to me.” With a picture of the note, would the response be that he is a creeper? Or that he is cute?
Love,
Someone trying to figure out how girls think.
Agreed. Women already think, whatever they are going to think, about your before you open your mouth. Do whatever you want. It doesn’t matter.
Agreed a note is a hail mary.
Two things:
1. You were in NYC and didn’t tell me
2. What happened to your finger, why the bandaid?
If he were unattractive, it’d be creepy. Hands down.
Used to do ‘sweet’ things like this in high school and early college, but then I realized the opportunity cost. “Wanna?” at 1 AM takes infinitely less effort and still returns at a decent rate. And when it doesn’t? Oh well, it’s not like I expended much effort. I have no idea if a girl thinks I’m attractive or what she’ll find as a good come-on, and the less I ‘try’ the less let-down there potentially is.
The difference between clever and creepy is how attractive the guy is.
Grats…