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Over the past year, I have ventured to Nashville, New Orleans, Chicago, and Nashville again. I have gotten swamp-ass from drinking and immediately sweating out the beers I chugged while riding your hellacious pedal pub in the merciless July heat. I have submitted Venmo payment after Venmo payment for your #SQUAD and #BRIDETRIBE and #POPTHEBUBBLYSHESGETTINGAHUBBY tank tops that are too ostentatious to wear again, even to the gym. I’ve drank out of penis straws and eaten penis cakes and blown penis whistles with nothing but a smile on my face, a drink in my hand, and more cash to shell out for all of it.
But last week, my most recently engaged friend (who had outlined all her wedding festivities long before she had gotten a ring) announced to her bridesmaids over a happy hour planning session that she no longer wanted to do a “simple” bachelorette party in Vegas. Instead, she had decided she wanted us to go to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico.
I almost spit out my drink.
“It’ll be so relaxing!” she exclaimed. “And that way no one will have to worry the whole time about paying for things!” Nevermind that we’ll have to pay for the actual all-inclusive, of course. But no one else seemed to be concerned with such trivial details. Instead, the other bridesmaids were nodding in agreement, all chiming in at once about “what a great idea it was” and “do you think we’d be able to book that place Carrie and the girls went in the Sex and the City movie?!” and “Oh my god, take these nachos away from me, my diet starts yesterday,” while I sat in silence, mentally tallying the expenses and wondering how one goes about cashing in a 401(k).
Ladies, I’m here to tell you a harsh truth: your bachelorette parties are out of control.
Before I sound like some single, bitter, bachelorette scrooge, let me clarify. I am more than happy to stand by you on your big day and celebrate you in all the standard parties that lead up to it. I am well aware that agreeing to be your bridesmaid comes with the implicit agreement to drink and dance and wear whatever attire you tell me to at your “last fling before the ring.” Do I think that should require me to drop a cool $1,600 (upwards if I’m also expected to chip in to pay for your flight/resort package, which is another bachelorette courtesy that’s becoming commonplace) to spend a long weekend in Mexico with your forty-year-old future sister-in-law and your BFF Courtney who I haven’t seen since we all shared a bowl in high school? No, I do not.
Sorry that my attitude matches the black dress I had to buy for your “night on the town before the gown.” I just think we could all use a little more conscientiousness and maybe just a smidge of forethought. It’s your day, but that doesn’t mean you get to tell your friends where you want to go on vacation and demand they pay for it.
I hope that your decision to spend your bridesmaids’ PTO on a Mexican getaway was just a momentary lapse in judgment. I know you’re busy with all things wedding-related, and I know you’re stressed, and I’m sure Mexico sounds great right about now. It does to me too, but on my own prerogative. I want to choose when I get to spend money I don’t have. All I can do is hope that you change your mind (and cross my fingers that your fiancé leaves you before I have to put a payment down on that Cancun villa).
In the meantime, you can find me in front of my laptop, quietly sobbing into a large glass of wine as I frantically search Travelocity for flight deals. Happy wedding. .
Respond
It still weirds me out if I’m out at a bar and a bunch of women are walking around, drinking out of penis straws.
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Is your friend Caroline?
When they ask if you’re coming, just drop the causal, “Why? They’ll be divorced in 3 years anyway.”
I never understood the appeal of a peddle pub. It always seemed like a stupid idea to me.
Do you understand the appeal of a pedal pub though?
aw shit. damn typos
Don’t mean to point out the obvious, but you don’t have to go.
I think it’s a different dynamic with some women though. I had a friend back out on my bachelor party last minute and it was “Sucks you’re missing out on the fun” with no hard feelings. I could see some brides taking it personally, case in point Girl.
Definitely. Most of the people who want to do the shit like go to Mexico will be very offended if you don’t go. They actually don’t understand.
If someone gets mad at you because you can’t afford something, they weren’t your real friend in the first place.
Also, I’ve never done Vegas so I could be wrong, but I’d bet you get more bang for your buck at an all inclusive compared to a weekend in Vegas.
It is different for guys and girls. And some girls are more understanding, but others say think that you’re their best friend, you should do anything to make them happy for this special time in their life. Its kinda like saying no to being a bridesmaid or groomsmen because you don’t want to spend the money on it. It’s a very real reason, but the bride or groom likely would be offended by it.
The worst is when something is planned by a best man of maid of honor that’s way more well off than the majority of the party and friends of the person getting married. I along with several buddies just had to turn down a bachelor party trip because it was like $2,000 out the door. Before even considering food and drinking budget. It was to Austin. So I guess I could have just hit up Dave on LinkedIn and asked to stay.
Nothing me made me leave a bar quicker than a bunch of tiara and stash wearing white girl wasted girls coming into a bar. No ladies; My donations are funding me tonight. Not giving you $5 for a 25 cent sucker or sticker to “fund the party” go buy your own damn drinks or just ask me to buy you a drink. Either way. Hit the road. Boy I was naive at 22
Truer words have never been spoken. I literally had two different friends recently attend Vegas and all-inclusive Mexico bachlorette parties, so this is ridiculously real. I’m a teacher and cannot afford this madness, but it’s harder than it seems to tell someone no when it comes to their wedding festivities, and I know it shouldn’t be embarrassing, but it still feels that way.
Well the author’s name checks out
This is either made up for the sake of content or you are very confident that this friend doesn’t read your columns in which case no need to go on the trip.
This happens so often that no one would actually know it is referring to them.
Sup?