Austin Bachelor Offers $1500 To Whomever Can Find Him A Girlfriend

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Meet “Romeo.” He’s a self-described “CEO & a Rockstar all at the same time,” but above all things, he’s a lover of love. He works a 9-5 job, but moonlights as a photographer on the weekends. He’s also authored a book of love poems, which is only mostly improbable given the quality of his writing. He loves everything about Austin, from the skyline, to the lake, to the bar scene, but what he doesn’t like much is America. Who could blame him when he has hated every president in his 39 years, and believes that 9/11 was an inside job.

He’s a conservative man who doesn’t believe a woman should have the right to choose after she was a “slutty whore” — the worst kind of whore if you ask me. He also thinks homosexuality is a sin. He does however support gay marriage, because it would be good for his wedding photography business. People say you shouldn’t talk politics when you’re getting to know someone, but I really feel like I’m learning some quality info about Romeo here!

He’s not a racist, because he doesn’t really like white guys much. Since he’s white, that’s not racism, but he doesn’t like black people who have criminal records and dress like thugs, which he admits is probably most of them. A white person who has children or intercourse with a black person, he believes, is “pure filth,” but it’s okay for a white person to have sex with an Hispanic person. No mention of Asians. It’s like he doesn’t even see color, you guys.

Romeo is pretty much a celebrity. His song lyrics were printed in a book about Stevie Vaughn. Kelly Garni mentioned him in his autobiography. A musician in Dallas wrote a song about him. He illegally released film footage of Randy Rhoads from film director Peter Margolis, and Ozzy Osbourne had a meeting to discuss it. He was in a local newspaper for writing a song. Stevie Ray Vaughan’s brother Jimmie Vaughan once banned him from ever coming into Antones, refusing to play if he was in the audience. And he was on Judge Judy once.

What I’m trying to say is that the dude sounds dreamy. And we’re in luck! He recently put up an ad on his blog looking for the woman of his dreams.

I am willing to pay anyone $1,500 as a finders fee for anyone that can help find me a girlfriend. (I will give you a extra $1,000 as a bonus if this turns into marriage, I offer this extra bonus as I hope it will motivate you to find me a woman of great quality)

I have been in Austin over 3 years now and have not been successful at finding a girl that wants a long term relationship in all this time, so I would like to enlist the readers here in my search, and I will pay anyone $1,500 if you can actually make this happen.

I am 39 years old, (date of birth is 9-18-1974 so that makes me a Virgo) 6′,4″ and 195lbs. I live in South Austin. I am looking for a girl that has a thin or athletic build. No one over 130lbs. Ages 21 – 41 White, Hispanic, or of European descent.

Serious inquires only

Please make sure you click on the link to the FAQ in the above menu as I am sure it will explain a lot to you and answer many questions you may have about how this works and how you will get paid.

Are there really a ton of frequently asked questions? Have you tried this before? I have a question or two of my own, because I think I might make the cut! If I reply to you on my own, do I get the $1,500 for finding myself? I mean, why bother with the middle man, you know? But a promise is a promise and someone deserves that finder’s fee, so it might as well be me. I know this sounds a lot like prostitution, but it’s not, because, ummm, I said so.

I do feel like I should be straightforward with you about something. I’m an Aries. I know that Virgos are boring shy, and a fire sign probably isn’t your best match (re: your worst match), but who knows? Maybe my Venus will be in retrograde, and your rising sign is Sagittarius, and we can make it work. Do I get bonus points for knowing that? If not, I was kidding. Sorry for sounding like a witch. I feel like you’re probably anti-witchcraft. Why don’t I just quit with all the questioning and read on about what you want in a woman to see if I’ll fit the bill.

I am looking for a decent girl that wants to be in a long term monogamus relationship with me.

I’ve searched far and long for a man who would someday describe me as “decent,” so I can see already that this is going to work out. You also haven’t learned about spellcheck yet, which is great, because it’s so fun when couples can teach each other things, don’t you think?

I like girls that are thin, or with a toned or athletic build. A average build is fine too, just as long as you are not over weight. I will not date a overweight or fat girl.

I like girls that are 130 pounds or less. Of course weight needs to be in proportion to their height, as long as they aren’t considred overweight, they should be fine.

Being overweight is a total dealbreaker with me.

Okay, good. I think I make the cut, but you might be a little bit confused about height-weight ratios on women. I’m 5’1,” and I’m about 105 pounds, but that’s only because I’m lying. I’m going to go on the record with saying that 130 pounds is not a lot of weight, it just seems like it because no girl ever admits to being over 125, no matter her size. If a girl is 5’4,” 130 pounds, she’s probably a size 4, which is pretty small in most circles, considering once you’re a 2 everyone hates you.

I also like girls with long hair. I like a girl to look like a girl, not a man, I like a feminine, pretty girl. I like hair down to the shoulders at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the girl. But for the most part, I love long hair.

Okay, so long hair or short hair?

I will not date a Black girl. I don’t care if she looks like Halle Berry, I will not ever date a Black girl.
However, I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black.

Well, OBVIOUSLY you wouldn’t date a black girl who looked like Halle Berry! She has short hair! They don’t all look like that, though. Some of them have long hair! I’ve said too much. I don’t want to add to my competition.

I do not like glasses on a girl. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as she can wear contacts at least most of the time.

*Finds fake glasses. Stomps on them. Hits head on wall for ever thinking they looked cute.*

I do not ever want to have kids, so if a girl is wanting to have babies, I am not her man.

Uh-oh.

I am not looking for any type of woman that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a man to pay for everything.

Double uh-oh.

I do not like tattoos on a woman. If a woman already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless she plans to get more in the future. If a woman has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on her ankle or something then it may not necessacerily be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if she would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay to have done for her.

To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Female human body is the most beautiful work of Art God ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!

I think it’s pretty cool that you’re bilingual, because English clearly isn’t your first language, and the fact that you’re able to use irony in a second language is lovely. All tattoos are indicative of white trash, but a rose or butterfly on the ankle (the former trashiest location, circa 1995) is okay. You kill me.

I also do not like piercings on a woman. I do not like a woman to have anything pireced other than her Ears. If she has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as she removes them and never wears them again.

So glad I even hated my body when I was 15, stopping me from going for the belly ring.

I do not like strippers! I will not date any girl that has ever been a stripper. I believe that the only person that should ever see a womans naked body is only her boyfriend or husband.

Well, I’ve never been a stripper, but that doesn’t mean…never mind. Only my boyfriend has seen my naked body.

I will not date any girl that has ever had a threesome, or a large number of past sexual partners. I do not want a promiscuous slut, I want a normal, decent, good hearted girlfriend.

Some of the best-hearted girls I know are sluts. I also know some pretty bitchy prudes. This is a non sequitur, so I’m going to disregard it.

I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of girl would also not be a good match for me.

You don’t like sarcasm? Me neither. Straight-shooter over here. I have a really good feeling about us.

I like a girl that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a slut, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a girl in a dress really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a girl wears a mini skirt with boots, not cowboy boots, but sexy boots. Or high heels, I love spiked high heels!

If anyone can make a miniskirt with sexy spiked high heel boots look conservative, it’s me.

Kissing is one of my most favorite things to do with a girl, it’s very important. I also love to hold a girls hand when I am walking with her. And I love sleeping beside a girl and holding her close to me, and spooning with her. In fact THAT is the reason I named this website “Sleepless In Austin” because I haven’t had a single good nights sleep in years, ever since my relationship ended with my ex-girlfriend.
And yes, I also liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle, haha

Damn it! You’re gay?

It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a girls breasts are. I prefer them to be real & natural though. I am against breast implants, I see that as unnecessery self mutilation, and I would not want a girlfriend that has breast implants.

I prefer a woman that has never had children, because having kids does ruin a womans body often times. They end up with stretch marks. And also sometimes it makes their vagina looser, and I don’t care how many kegel exercises a woman does, after she has 2 or 3 eight to ten pound babies, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during childbirth the lips/vulva of a woman get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they heal, that’s why some women even get cosmetic reconstructive surgery to their vulvas after childbirth to try and regain their original appearance.

You’re in luck! I have no children, AND I’ve already had vaginal cosmetic reconstructive surgery! Is this a match made in heaven, or what?

I also have a very high sex drive.

Mine is about average, I’d say, but based on what I’ve seen and read, my libido would skyrocket if you came around.

You can wire me the $1500 through PayPal.

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Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Veronica

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is a writer, editor and content manager for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays.

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