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You’d be hardpressed to find a better place to people watch than an airport. You’ve got 55-year-old businessmen drinking double-vodkas straight at 10:30 a.m. while they wait for their cross-country flight. You have 24-year-olds checking in on Facebook from Chicago O’Hare letting everyone know that they’ve arrived at their airport for their yoga journey while everyone else sits at their desk cringing. And you’ve got those slobs that walk around with pajama pants on and neck pillows draped around their necks. It’s the perfect storm for questioning everything about our society as a whole.
But if you’ve traveled in the last year, you’ve noticed something. Something that, on the surface, should bring joy to most of us. It’s no mystery at this point that people would rather follow dogs on Instagram than see another set of overly-edited engagement photos. Outside of the confines of the airport, people stop on a dime in the middle of the street to pet designer hypoallergenic labra-spaniel-doodles. I’m pretty sure my girlfriend has cried while hungover as she watches dogs reunite with their military owners after their extended duty overseas. I get it.
Unfortunately, times have changed. No longer are dogs widely accepted no matter the locale. I’m talking, of course, about “emotional support” dogs. We’ve gone from airports exclusively catering to the “do not pet” seeing-eye dogs to literally having airports turn into doggy daycares where you never know if one will shit or puke at Gate B34.
These dogs have become victims of the general public. “Nuisances,” they’re called. “Completely unnecessary,” others will say. “An abuse of the system,” publications far and wide claim.
And they’re not wrong. As someone who has abused the system and has gotten their dog the label of “emotional support dog,” I’m as guilty as every other yuppie piece of scum out there who can’t stand the thought of going on vacation without their fucking dog. Do I need to put an Amazon-bought vest on my dog in the car before checking in at Southwest? No, absolutely not. Would my vacation be more stress-free if I left my dog at home? Undoubtedly. Is that stopping me from abusing the system that’s currently in place? Absolutely not.
That’s the issue — the system allows for people like me to do whatever the hell they want. An email to some doctor in California will yield me a .PDF letter that I can print out and present just before getting on my flight. All of a sudden, the dog I got exclusively to hang out with while I’m hungover is now considered to be a “necessity” for me while traveling. Loading her up in one of those third-world crates and putting her under the plane? Excuse me, that’s not happening. She’s an angel.
What am I supposed to do, though? Just not game the system and exploit it for my benefit? Yeah, right. I’d rather sit on the plane with my dog at my feet in bulkhead (you get priority boarding with these things, by the way) than sit fifteen rows back with those people who clap the second the plane lands. Having a dog essentially makes me a VIP. TSA Agents stop me in security not because I’m smuggling in a 32-ounce bottle of Fiji, but because they want to pet my springer spaniel. I’m the cock of the walk; the toast of the town.
That is, until recently. Assholes far and wide are trying to traffic their “emotional support” peacocks and “emotional support” kangaroos. American Airlines Flight 4213 from Newark to St. Louis suddenly looks like Noah’s fucking Arc. We’ve gotten to the point where Delta has actually heightened their restrictions to stop every Tom and Betty from bringing their “emotional support” bunny to grandmother’s house.
And I understand the issue at hand. Flights already smell like shit even without dogs and cats running rampant when the seatbelt sign is off. Body odor and farts linger in those sealed cabins, so if Maggie’s new Australian Shepherd can’t hold it for four hours then we’re staring straight into a flight that reeks of doggy daycare and straight-up piss. No one wants that.
Who’s to blame here? I’m all about fingerpointing. I love assessing blame. Am I the bad guy because I used the system currently in place to my benefit? Are the airlines at fault because they have laxer policies on dogs than they do on people with Global Entry and TSA Pre-Check? What about these quacks who are just tossing out generic letters to everyone that emails them? Is the blood on their hands? Well, not actual blood because thinking about dog blood is just downright sad.
Sure, Delta is taking precautions to make sure things are under control. Unfortunately, these precautions are less about the dogs than they are the owners. If you can’t prove your dog has all of its vaccinations, you probably shouldn’t own a dog in the first place, Jenny McCarthy. When it gets down to brass tacks, Delta’s new “restrictions” aren’t really restrictions at all. They’re just idiot-proofing the already-in-place system and scaring off those too lazy to call their vet for a little proof that their dog doesn’t have rabies.
While I do agree that you shouldn’t be able to bring a fucking peacock on a transcontinental flight, I simply don’t think it’s right to skewer those who take the appropriate actions to make sure their dog can board a flight without hassle. At the end of the day, they’re still better than those assholes who clap for a safe landing. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
The problem is that people bring their poorly behaved animals on planes because they’re taking advantage of an accommodation meant for individuals with disabilities. True support animals are highly trained to perform specific, very important tasks; emotional support animals are not, and the evidence that they actually help people with anxiety/depression is shaky at best. It’s incredibly selfish and just generally shitty to exploit a loophole meant for individuals with disabilities (because no one is allowed to make you *prove* a disability to receive an accommodation) and potentially inconvenience others just because you want to take your Maltese on a plane.
In my opinion, people who do this are no better than the people who rent wheel chairs so they can skip to the front of the line at Disney World.
Or people in excess of 400lbs that think they shouldn’t have to pay for two seats!
Always Google your airline’s “Customer of Size” policy before your flight. It is a life saver. On Southwest if a person overflows into your seat you can straight up tell them to move/they should have bought 2 seats.
The only options for traveling with a pet are to either board it, or have it in a carrier of some sort at your feet if the pet is small enough. You should never put your pet under the cabin of a plane, the conditions are terrible. It’s dark, not sound proofed, and not climate controlled. People who do this are essentially putting their animals in a freezer with the added bonus of said freezer being near a jet engine for multiple hours.
Caveat: obviously this is aimed at people who don’t have a “legitimate” emotional support animal. If you have an actual condition that requires a support animal, you can do whatever you need to do.
Not one Lebowski-style comment about “You can’t board it, it gets upset. Its hair falls out. Fucking dog has fucking papers.”
I’m a bit disappointed.
Not one Lebowski-style comment about “You can’t board it, it gets upset. Its hair falls out. Fucking dog has fucking papers.”
I’m a bit disappointed.
Exploiting a benefit meant for people with actual disabilities is an absolute trash thing to do. Will, are you better than this.
Yeah, bragging about that just seems grossly inappropriate.
Please just keep in mind that this is all tongue-in-cheek. If veterans or disabled individuals are being turned away, I’m obviously not for that. There’s about a 100% chance we never travel with our dog on a plane again.
There are already airline policies in place that have significantly impeded the ability of people with disabilities to travel. Advance notification policies hurt people who may need to fly to see a specialist on short notice. The exclusion of service animals from online check-in hurts families who have children with autism that cannot wait in line for hours without having severe meltdowns. An individual with epilepsy can now, hypothetically, be separated from their travel companions for extra verification. Even if their service dog is trained to alert others of an oncoming seizure, what good is the alert if the family members who have been trained to respond to and support the person with epilepsy cannot be present?
I understand that you, personally, may not travel with your dog again.However, the blasé, “I got my dog on a plane with a $9.99 .pdf and a plastic service tag,” attitude is actually hurting people with disabilities and their families. Just because it’s tongue-in-cheek doesn’t mean it isn’t harmful.
The same people lecturing dog owners about legitimate disabilities and not abusing the system are the same people who get addy scripts in college so they can go on 72-hour benders and still study for a final.
Will, you think you’re getting more hate for this one or the article about breastfeeding? That one was a lol classic.
We allow all support animals at Chilis. Warning, if its a tasty animal, you will not leave with it. Sorry, I know your support cow was a great pet, but it made better fajitas.
This is why I only fly private.
This discussion hits home for me. I hate my brother’s girlfriend and she has a BS support dog (she basically just wanted to take her dog everywhere). The problem is if anyone ask about it or saying anything she gives them a “how dare you…I need this dog”….BUT NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER! I’m all for people that truly need support, but if you’re just an attention seeker taking this pathetic route, I don’t want to deal with your dog (or whatever exotic animal you choose) while I eat dinner or fly across the country.
I read this wrong and thought you were gonna eat their dogs.
I think that those who abuse the system could ultimately ruin it for those individuals who need it most like our Veterans.
As someone who has had anxiety/depression for 10+ years with the hospitalization records and therapy bills to prove it, exploiting this infuriates me. Do not take advantage of my illnesses so you can bring your fucking dog on a plane and not have to pay a pet fee in your apartment.
THIS. Also, poorly behaved service animals do nothing but exacerbate my travel anxiety.
Traveling with a pet sounds like such a hassle anyway…and I’m sure flying on a plane has most animals scared shitless. Just pay for doggie daycare or a pet sitter
Yep, love ya Defries, but the fact you already have an established doggy day care facility you take your dog to gives you 0 excuse
Totally agree, my parents love my dog anyway so its a win-win-win
Shameless plug here for my friend’s educational page for her Seeing Eye Dog… They talk a lot about the issues they encounter as an actual person with a disability and a guide dog and how people with fake service animals fuck it up for everyone. Search “Zoe the Seeing Eye Dog” on Facebook.
We should turn endangered species into emotional support animals in order to save them and they too need some emotional support so it’s love full circle. I can’t wait until Amazon delivers my emotional support elephant tomorrow