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The world’s a different place than it was when you were growing up, dad. Everyone has World War I haircuts despite the fact that they’re more into craft cocktails than history. Microbrews have replaced macrobrews as a way to unwind on the weekends while grilling a steak on the back porch. People are doing a bunch of CrossFit-ish paleo supplement bullshit rather than going for a five minute run after knocking out some push-ups and pull-ups. I watched Mad Men. I know what things used to be like.
Me? I’d like to consider myself to be a worldly, modern man who also has some old-fashioned roots. I replace my divots, pay for dates, and don’t mix my drinks with soft drinks. But deep down, I am that millennial piece of shit that Forbes, The New York Times, and everyone else loves to skewer. And for that, and many other reasons, I’m deeply sorry.
I’m sorry I refuse your hand-me-downs because they don’t have a modern fit. It’s not that I don’t want a Burberry coat for the winter. I do, and I can’t afford one on my own which is why it pains me to tell him, “Ah, damn, it’s too big.”
I know, I know, Dad. That’s how they used to fit. But we’re in 2016 now and things have to be pretty tailored with a modern fit. I’m not oblivious to the fact that trends are moving towards a baggier look, but let’s be honest with ourselves — it’s not exactly in line with my aesthetic to strive to be “fashion forward.” I know you see me walking around in technical golf shirts that are at least one size too big which probably signals that I’d be okay with looser fitting clothing, but showing up to a wedding in an ill-fitting sport coat or baggy pants is a social death wish at this age. I might as well wear pleated khakis to work if I’m just going to do that.
I’m sorry I have no clue how to tie a bow tie. I’ve spent countless hours sweating in front of a mirror trying to figure out how to tie these damn things, Dad. I understand that I probably shouldn’t be carrying a buzz while I do it, but let’s be upfront with one another — you really think I’m going to this wedding sober?
I can see you hanging your head in disappointment when I tell you that I had to have another guy tie it for me in the bathroom of our hotel lobby. I’m not proud of it (nor should I be), but you always taught me to own my actions in life so I’m not going to run away from it. What’s done is done.
I know I can go on YouTube and find a tutorial, but would being taught my some random vlogging fashionisto online really that much better than having some random wedding-goer do it in the first place? Exactly. Let’s just sit down at your next family function, you and me, and get this out of the way. Teach me like you were taught as a child and we’ll pretend like this never happened.
I’m sorry I’m better with girls online than I am in person. This isn’t a product of my personality, Dad. It’s a product of my environment.
When I had my first playground crush, I didn’t know that texting, MSN Messenger, AIM, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and every other damn technology out there would cause me to be better with my fingers than my mouth. And yeah, Dad, I laughed at that last sentence too because you gave me that sense of humor. It just so happens that yours comes out in casual conversations and mine comes out when I’m typing. That’s the world we live in.
You come from an era of dance cards and checking girls in-and-out of their dormitories. Me? I was raised on flirting via SMS messages and wooing girls with photos that reduce my skinny-fatness. I inherited your great hair, but this world has corrupted me.
Finally, I’m sorry for spending more time on Snapchat than I do reading books. I’m not opposed to saying that it is an obsession. But what if you grew up with an app where you could watch all your friends look like drunken idiots while a bunch of cute girls used a dog-filter that made them look weirdly hot? Can you really blame me? Okay, I guess you can because, in hindsight, that sounds pretty fucking stupid.
But still. I don’t feel good about not finishing any fiction in the last calendar year. I don’t love that I coasted through high school by searching online for Cliff Notes to Great Expectations and The Great Gatsby You raised me better than that.
Just please, forgive me, Father, for I have sucked lately. Let’s talk this over while grilling some steaks and making fun of those beers that’re infused with fruits, okay? I’ll even keep quiet to mom if you tell me some of those stories about the girls you checked in and out of the dorms. .
Image via Unsplash
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Being a Millennial Piece of Shit. #PGP
They can say whatever they want… the baby boomers were just as bad as us, if not worse. At least we didn’t bitch and moan like they did about our generation’s war. Im not sorry dad, im sorry grandfather. Greatest generation truly was the greatest.
Who raised the baby boomers? It’s all the same thing. Blame the before or after. Except boomers did grow up in a golden era of prosperity. Our generation just happens to have social media because many of “the greatest generation” would have been in hot water if they had Facebook, Twitter, etc. It’s just a different time.
Some examples of what the “Greatest Generation’s” social media presence could have been.
“Just saw a colored fella on my way to the store. #theregoestheneighborhood”
“The neighbor keeps awfully odd hours and his guests look funny. I think he’s a communist. @McCarthyHatesReds can you check him out?”
“Can’t believe I actually had to give an employer a resume before he hired me on the spot. What is this country coming to?”
Blaming baby boomers is akin to Obama constantly blaming Bush for all of the problems in the world
Thanks for the history lesson, chief.
Defending the Vietnam War. Bold move.
Just like the Iraq War, Vietnam was obviously a huge mistake and I’m not defending either one. I’m just saying there were other ways to express themselves than to treat the vets coming home like dogs and nearly tear the country apart. The baby boomers didn’t listen to anyone, which is why many of them are working past 70 when they should be retired. A younger person should have their job, that’s how it is suppose to work. All i’m saying is that if they want to continuously insult our generation they should at least be called out on their shit.
I approve.
It takes a man to admit your shortcomings and faults. At least your father can be proud about that.
The Great Gatsby was the only book that I actually read during my schooling career without cliff notes and watching the movie. It was probably because it was assigned reading for like 6 years in a row but I remember aspiring to be like him instead of doing good in school to get a shitty job. I wanted to be massively rich and throw parties in my mansion and not even drink at them if I didn’t want to and then mysteriously disappear to watch the parties from a safe distance on my luxury balcony just to swoon hundreds of women to not even reproduce with them. Kinda like Drake’s new album cover but without the pouting, demenour. But now our generation is the poorest on record and it’s really killing my vibe of becoming Gatsby. Yes, I know the book was set in the Roaring 20’s but we’re coming up to the Roaring 2020’s and I will not fucking settle for anything less than absolute, utter extravagance and all inclusive existence.
Aspiring to be the character we’re supposed to pity. The PGP of growing up in the Great Recession.
can confirm
“Utter extravagance” and excess is always a great thing to aspire to… We are the poorest on record? You need to check your facts. This thing called the great depression created over 25% unemployment. Our generation is just too stupid to invest and manage our money well because we learned money management from our parent’s generation who have lived in complete excess since the 1970s. We might be the poorest since the 1950s, but guess who’s fault that is?
We’re a generation that has emmassed over $1.3 trillion in student debt alone. When that bubble bursts like the subprime housing market in 2008, it’s gonna be an even greater depression. Costs of goods and services are much higher and wages have stagnated since the 80’s. Factor in automation and lack of high paying jobs with a growing population that can barely afford housing and saving for retirement, climate change, and also perpetual war, I’d say our generation pretty much got the shit end of the stick for decades to come.
We wouldn’t want to disappoint the doomsday preppers.
Those weird people are people too.
Debatable.
The two irrational and unqualified buffoons running America since 2000 have definitely been the multi-layer icing on that shit cake. Thankfully we have plenty of great candidates to vote for in the next Presidential election……………
The student loan bubble will not burst. You can’t get rid of them.
Yeah, a repo man can’t exactly come into my house and take back the knowledge I gained from college nor can I sell it like I would sell my house or car. It’s sort of bubbleproof in the traditional sense.
You ruined it.
Our generation really is the start of a technical Renaissance. I can’t even imagine all the weird shit our kids will have, and its effect on them.
Pretty sure everyone’s parents says their kids are in the worst generation. My 90 year old grandma still bitches about how my mom was a hippie. You think we are entitled? Our kids are going to never hear the end of it.
You’re too old to be a millennial.
This was a great read; hit me right in the feels.
This is everything I wish I could still talk to my dad about.