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What have I become?
I’m currently facing my first real crisis as a soon-to-be married man. Every day I arrive to the office, setup my MacBook Air, and immediately look down at my absurdly large iPhone 6 Plus to see what golden doodle Instagram pic I’ve been tagged in. It never fails. My future wife wants a dog, very badly, and she has adopted the sinister strategy of blowing up my ‘gram by tagging me in every Cockapoo, Cava-Tzu, King Charles, Labradoodle, Golden Doodle, or Cavoodle Instagram pic being showcased by affluent twenty-somethings with way too much time on their hands. It’s a bold strategy.
I’ll be the first to admit that my very existence is punchable. My phone is unnecessarily large, and my shorts are unnecessarily short. I drink whatever variation of a mule drink the newly opened gourmet southern cuisine restaurant wants to throw on their ungodly expensive cocktail menu. Each day that passes, I trend more and more toward pure yuppie scum. There’s only one thing that could push me over the edge:
A designer dog. And it’s going to happen.
It was inevitable
How could it not? Have you ever met a golden doodle that you didn’t like? If you answered in the affirmative, then you’re a complete and utter psychopath, or you’re just trying to be argumentative. Dick. There’s some kind of doodle variation that lives in the apartment above me, and if I didn’t think it would creep out his owner, I’d stop by daily just to get in some face time.
If you have a dog, designer or not, I’m going to stop, bend down, and pet your dog. If you have some wild ass little hound that jumps on guests, there’s no need to chastise the dog or apologize to me. I don’t care. That’s just a dog being a dog, and it doesn’t bother me.
Top-tier dog.
The entire concept of a designer dog is ridiculous, so naturally, I need to take part. With a designer, you’re basically playing god. Looking for a best friend that a.) won’t trigger your allergies, b.) won’t shed, and c.) is just chill AF? You’ve got it. Or were you looking for something that can accompany you on a bird hunt, provide home security, but also won’t eat your newborn child? Got ’em. The possibilities are endless.
Rescue shaming
Should I rescue? Ideally, yes. But at the risk of being shamed even more than I currently am for wanting to take my business to a breeder, I’m just going to let you know that I’m not at the rescue stage of my life yet. I know, I know. I’m a monster, but the thought of going into a shelter and having to make eye contact with all of those dogs that I’m just not interested in is gut wrenching. I can’t even watch I Am Legend without skipping past that one certain scene near the end where Will Smith has to…you remember. Fuck that scene. Any movie that contains a sad scene with a dog should have its own special rating because I’m not trying to have my day week ruined by traumatic shit like a dog getting iced for no reason. So, yeah, I really like dogs.
Yes, one day I’ll live on a nice five-acre lot just outside of Fredericksburg, TX, and I’ll adopt every damn dog in the shelter. I’ll have an entire group named after each key member of the Soprano family and another group named after the ’96 Texas Rangers. I’ll take pictures of them laying on each other looking adorable and post captions like “#Squadgoals” and “This could be us but you playin.” But I’m not there yet. I need certainty with my first grown man dog, and I don’t think I deserve to be shamed for admitting that.
You can shame me for the inevitable creation of “Dude_thedoodle” on Instagram, or when I shamelessly fire off snaps at brunch on a patio with a 70-pound ball of fur with a red banana around his neck like he’s goddamn Willie Nelson, but don’t hate because I didn’t rescue.
So, the answer to my original question is yes — I am yuppie scum for wanting a designer dog. Sorry for being scum..
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
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david@grandex.co
You finished at the end, but there is nothing wrong with being a yuppie. It is the universal ying to the hipster yang. You and Kendra Syrdal are just two equal, yet opposite halves that make up the Post Grad universe.
I like the way you put this.
I’m actually fascinated by the Golden-Doodle craze that’s going on. My brother’s girlfriend spent $2,500 on one. My Border Collie is 100-times smarter and better than that dog in every way, and I got her for $100 from a farm.
Not going to lie, I wanted one, but they’re kind of a PITA to maintain. My dog needs nothing but food, water, and someone to throw him a Frisbee. Being an adoption, I got to make sure he was cool with everything like baths, being vacuumed, etc. that make my life infinitely easier.
I have a friend that has a golden doodle and mixes her food every night, paints her nails, and wipes her ass after doing her business. To make things better, I was invited to the dog’s first birthday party this weekend.
Was it sick as hell?
I was in awe the whole time. Not in a good way. If I was popular (and funny) it would have been a great live-tweet.
I would’ve tuned in.
Got my dog from a puppy store and the looks people give when I tell them that, you would think he was bred by Bin Laden himself. Dog shamers are as bad, if not worse than eco shamers.
I’m going to start telling the random ‘I need to pet this dog’ types that’s how I got mine so they leave me alone.
Thank God I know I’m not ready for a dog.
HUGE yuppie move.
People who call you out on your dog breed are the same ones ask “are you really from there or are you from the suburbs?” when you mention what city you’re from in casual conversation.
lol this guy’s definitely from the suburbs!
He’s also the guy that somehow thinks the ‘burbs and the city are basically the same thing.
Everyone hates the guy who name drops the closest big city. Own your small town roots.
Know a guy from Bumfuck, Georgia. When anyone asks where he’s from, he says “West of Atlanta.”
My dog is a rescue, he’s 100lbs, mixed with like 15 different dogs and is 100 times cooler then me. Good luck with your dog search, they really do make the best companions.
There are adoption centers for almost any kind of breed. My ex’s family adopted a German Short Haired Pointer and a Tree climbing coon-hound. Both from specific rescues for those two breeds. Also the hound was less than a year when they adopted him.
I don’t quite understand your rescue argument. A lot of shelters foster out the rescue dogs to private homes, and you can view them online. You can usually find puppies for any breed as well. Long story short, you can rescue a designer dog while its still a puppy.
Yes! Thank you, people don’t realize there are all types of dog breeds and ages at rescue groups. All you have to do is actually look.
Adoptapet.com. Done