Am I Doomed To Singledom For Eternity?

Am I Doomed To Singledom For Eternity?

I wouldn’t say I’m looking for a relationship at the moment. I’m 24, I live in the third largest city in the country, and if you’ve read any articles regarding “The Chase,” you know that I am no stranger to dating or one night stands. Like any other #millennial, I use Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Facebook on a daily basis, and I’ve got to admit something: I legitimately don’t know how some of you have significant others. I am an admittedly shallow person, especially when it comes to dating, but I know so many guys who have a significant other that are so much worse than I am. What is the secret?

Some of the ugliest human beings (inside AND out) I have ever met have steady girlfriends. Guys who haven’t been to the gym in months. Guys who still only know how to make pasta for dinner. Guys who don’t shower on a daily basis. Guys who semi-regularly cheat. I know all of the above. This seems to be my competition for finding a significant other, and I’m losing the battle. Sure, I have a few girls at the moment on a “roster,” if you will. I see them semi-regularly, but some days I get home from work and I’m honestly not looking for a hookup. I’m looking for someone to literally just lay in bed with me and watch some awful television.

Are my standards too high? Do I look like a fucking ogre and I’m just not self-aware enough to notice it? My mom tells me every chance I get how handsome I am. Is that not true? Has she just been straight up lying to my face for 24 years?

I don’t make a ton of money. I live comfortably enough for a 24-year-old man-child with a bachelor’s degree. I can afford to take a girl out to dinner at a bourgeois spot downtown if that’s what she wants to do. I can go out with friends on a Friday night and not worry about my checking account over-drafting. Sure, I can be an asshole from time to time, but what 24-year-old human being isn’t a narcissistic dickhead? I’d love to meet that person. Maybe get a few pointers from him/her on how to not be so self-centered.

The past few weekends I’ve found myself standing around at bars or parties and judging the shit out of guys in my vicinity who have girls around their arm. How the fuck did that overweight slob with the neckbeard and a hoodie on land the girl who looks like she might still be in college and has a rack that would make Emily Ratajkowski jealous? I guess maybe it’s time for me switch something up. My wardrobe is the one thing I’ll be putting my foot down on. I like the collegiate blazer and khaki look too much. I love wearing LL Bean sweaters and turtlenecks. I’m Wonderbread white. There’s no changing that.

Maybe my attitude needs to change. Perhaps I’d have more luck if I cooled it with the sarcastic comments regarding a group of girls who just asked me to take their picture for Instagram. I feel like every girl I hook up with is good for two to three dates and then they just stop talking to me. There are only two possible reasons for my inability to get a girl to stick around. One is that they’ve got something else coming down the pipeline. Two (and probably a little more logical than number one), they get bored. Fine. I can deal with both of those reasons. I have a very specific daily routine and I don’t really stray from it. If it’s a weekday, I’m doing the gym before work, I’m home making dinner by 6 and I’m in bed by 8. If it’s a Friday, Saturday, or very occasionally a Sunday, you’ll more than likely find me at a bar or house party drinking Miller Lite. That’s admittedly a pretty boring routine.

But it’s not like I can go hiking on the weekends. I live in Chicago. But I’d be open to suggestions if, say on a Saturday night you’d rather go to an art show or see a movie. I feel like I did my senior year of college when I was sending out these desperate cover letters to companies all over the country. I’ve got the experience, just give me a fucking chance to prove myself.

My Bumble and Hinge activity has slowed down in the past few weeks. I don’t care anymore. I’d rather meet a girl in real life than ask a stranger some generic cookie cutter questions that are either going to lead to a one night stand or not meeting up at all. It’s fucking exhausting. Am I doomed to be single forever? It’s very possible. Honestly, that’s not the worst thing that could happen to me. Imagine how much money I’d save in the long run not being married to someone. My mother would probably murder me if I told her she wouldn’t be getting grandkids, but not everyone gets married nowadays.

Perhaps I should stay career focused for the next few years. I know this sounds like I’m in the midst of some serious existential crisis, but I promise that is not what is happening. I just want to figure out what I’m doing wrong and if I’m even capable of changing it. Chasing girls is a blast. I’ve said before that a lot of times, the chase is more fun than the actual act of hooking up. I still actively do that and it is fun. My weekends basically revolve around it. I’ve talked with friends about the ideal age to settle down with a girl. Most of them are still very, very single. 27-to-28 years old seems to be the consensus, but as my 25th birthday begins to get closer and closer, I’m plagued by a thought that legitimately keeps me up some nights: am I ever going to find someone? Or, am I doomed to month long relationships with girls who I know on a very singular level? Summers creeping up. Not exactly the ideal time to be getting exclusive with someone. Like I said, I’m not looking for a relationship. I just want to know if I still have the ability to do it if I wanted to do it.

Image via Shutterstock

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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