All-Male Casts For Chick Flicks That Need To Happen Now Since “Ghostbusters” Went All-Female

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Since the “Ghostbusters” franchise up and decided that gender barriers in Hollywood needed to be destroyed by a two-ton, vagina-shaped wrecking ball, I decided that all gender barriers now must come down in cinema. Everything is fair game. I’d like to slap some penis on some great, female-centric cinema classics. Chick flicks, if you will. We’re all about equality here, so thank you to Paul Feig, Kristen Wiig, Kate MacKinnon, Melissa McCarty and that other chick for busting down the barrier that previously prevented me from doing this.

“Mean Boys”

Carl Heron: Anders Holm
Richard George: Channing Tatum
Greg Weiners: Chris Pratt
Kevin Smith: Dave Franco
Jack Ian: Adam Devine
Dana: Jillian Bell
Mr. Norbury: John Goodman

Carl is an exchange student from California and is thrown into a blue collar Midwestern high school where he is left to fend for himself after being sheltered by the cushy life of upper class California high schools. He quickly befriends Jack and Dana, both aren’t very popular and take Carl under his wing and convince him to infiltrate Richard George’s inner circle. Richard is a real dick (many jokes are made about this throughout the movie) and is a big time bully. He is the starting quarterback of the football team and Carl starts man-crushing on him hard. While Carl is on a teenage journey of enlightenment that he’ll likely forget about by the time he turns 25, he gets lost along the way and in turn begins bullying Jack and Dana. In one scene, Jack shows up at the weight room in an effort to impress Carl and Richard. Carl is nervous that Jack will spill his dirty secret and shouts “YOU CAN’T LIFT WITH US!”

Soon, Carl finds himself friendless and alone. This all leads up to a massive fight between Carl and Richard at prom. Jack shows up out of nowhere, kicks both of their asses as he’s been learning to harness his anger with Tae Kwon Do classes. The movie ends and is heralded as a genre-bending masterpiece by literally no one who’s an expert on cinema. People refuse to stop quoting and making internet memes about it, even 10 years after its release.

“Sex And The City”

Gary Bradshaw: Adrien Grenier
Samuel Jones: Pierce Brosnan
Charlie York: Michael Cera
Mike Hobbes: Stanley Tucci
Ms. Big: Heather Locklear

Gary Bradshaw is a career blogger who has lived in New York City since he graduated from some shitty New England liberal arts school that no one who lives outside of the Eastern time zone has ever heard of. He writes for Gawker and still makes $33k a year at 37, but somehow dresses like Patrick Bateman (even though his job never requires him to leave his apartment) and parties like Rob Gronkowski (even though he’s three months late on his rent). Samuel is his best friend and ladykiller who develops testicular cancer once the showrunners start running out of people for him to sleep with. Charlie is a secondary character no one really gives a shit about who ends up marrying an abusive spouse. Mike is a closet homosexual who refuses to come out in the fear that his career will suffer even though literally everyone he works with wouldn’t give a shit. Gary and Big dance around and towards each other until Gary finally decides to leave New York for Atlanta for more money and overall better quality of life.

“Charlie’s Angels”

Nathan Cook: Tom Selleck
Dylan Sanders: Ted Danson
Alex Munday: Jonah Hill
Bosely: Diane Keaton

Steve Guttenberg is left out of the “Three Men And A Baby” reunion because no one gives enough of a shit for that to happen. He is replaced by Jonah Hill who carries the older, apathetic Selleck and Danson through the film. The movie is a box office hit due to its multi-generational sex appeal.


Sammie: Paul Rudd
Derek Jeter: Derek Jeter
Ronnie: Beck Bennett
Barry: Jon Hamm
Marty: Bobby Moynihan

Sammie and Barry were best friends until Sammie moved to New York and became Derek Jeter’s business manager. Sammie and Jeets are now BFF and Jeets is getting married. Since Jeets has cut off contact with A-Rod at the request of his personal counsel, Sammie was his next closest friend and #2 asked him to be his best man at his upcoming wedding. We follow the gang’s attempts at rounding up Jeter’s former lovers for one final gift basket drop off in exchange for silence about any of Jeets’s odd sexual habits in order to keep his spotty sexual past a secret from his future wife. Bikini-clad cameos from Minka Kelly, Jessica Biel and Adriana Lima really bump up ticket sales. As the climax mounts, hints are dropped about Jeter’s future wife. As they finally tie up all loose ends (while getting into some hilarious shenanigans along the way), the chapel doors open to reveal Jeter’s bride. She begins to turn around…ROLL CREDITS.

Boom. Sequel.

“Steel Magnolias 2: Balls Of Steel”

Tim Eatenton: Sam Elliott
Jim Jones: Harrison Ford
Oscar Boudreaux: Kevin Spacey
Shelby Eatenton: Bradley Cooper

It’s basically a bunch of old dudes who run through a gauntlet of awful emotional turmoil, attempt to keep their shit together, never show any emotion under any circumstances and respond to everything with dad jokes. At one particularly tense moment in the film, a doctor comes in and says, “I’m sorry Mr. Boudreaux, but the redness on your wife’s right arm continues to spread. We can’t stop it. We may have to amputate.” And Spacey’s all, “Let’s not make any rash decisions here, doc!”

Box office smash.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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