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Now that my kid has finally reached the age where he can sit through a movie, I’ve started re-experiencing some of the old classics of my youth. While films such as Aladdin and Monsters, Inc. have appealed to my offspring, nothing has resonated and been featured on my TV as much as Toy Story.
The originator of Pixar’s golden touch, the original Toy Story, as well as the two sequels, still hold up as all-timers. However, being an adult and watching it twenty years after my original viewing has offered a different perspective on the movie, and to be honest, some of it is kinda fucked up.
Buzz Is A “Shoot-First, Ask Questions Later” Guy
When Buzz first arrives in Andy’s room, he’s standing on the bed observing his surroundings and taking everything in. Keep in mind, at this point, Buzz believes he’s a Space Ranger armed with a deadly laser on his arm. While getting his bearings, Buzz is suddenly surprised by Woody with a loud “Hello!”
Does Buzz say, “Oh, hello stranger, would you mind letting me know what this place is?” No, instead he aims his laser at him and tries to blow Woody of the face of the goddamn planet. Since he’s a toy, this doesn’t work, but I think it’s lost on the kids watching the movie that Buzz’s first instinct upon meeting someone in an unfamiliar place was to murder them on the spot.
Being A Toy Is Hell On Earth
Andy’s toys are in the golden age. The kid is like, 7 or 8 years old. Loves all those toys. Fast forward a couple years and those things are persona non grata. The ones that aren’t rotting away in a landfill or Romanian orphanage are stuck in the bottom of a long-forgotten toy chest, listening to their owner masturbate into a sock on a nightly basis for the rest of his teen years.
These toys seemingly don’t age, but unless they’re fortunate enough to belong to a family like the Duggar’s with 47 kids, their prime is two years and then spend the rest of their days slowly wasting away, or seeing/hearing horrible things. I don’t know what’s worse. Toys essentially live out the career of Gilbert Arenas, on top of the world for two or three years, then just a mountain of shit for the rest of time.
Andy’s Mom Is A Strong Woman
Toy Story’s adult revelations aren’t all terrible. As a single parent myself, I can appreciate the hell out of Andy’s mom. That woman handles a birthday party of at least ten 7 to 8-year-old BY HERSELF. That’s like herding a pack of meth heads for two hours, all while making sure the baby is taken care of too.
Those parents just dumped their sugar-addicted monsters off for the party on the recently single (Andy’s baby sister can’t be more than eight months old) woman and she commands the birthday party like a champ. Swoon.
Mr. Potato Head Loves Talking Shit
Mr. Potato Head is all about that action without being about that action. The guy leads an uprising against Woody twice without lifting a finger. Judge, jury, executioner. Potato Head takes hearing “Woody pushed Buzz out the window” to “let’s kill this motherfucker” in like thirty seconds. Dude gets Woody tossed out of a moving vehicle even while he’s in pieces on the ground. Impressive.
Woody Is An Asshole
Where do I start with this guy? Yeah, he’s voiced by America’s Dad, Tom Hanks, and yeah he’s our “hero” and the moral compass of the series, but Woody is honestly a huge dickhead for a lot of the movie.
When Buzz shows up and becomes the object of Andy’s interest and affection, Woody resembles the bitter old baby boomer jealous over how much the boss dotes on the ability of the college grad he just hired to use Microsoft Office and fix the printer. Dude was Mr. “Nobody panic about new toys” until he got unseated by a new toy and suddenly became salty curmudgeon who only learned the error of his ways after being trapped in a metaphorical insane asylum with the source of his jealousy.
And just how did this guy “redeem” himself? Condemning poor Sid to a lifetime of nightmares. Yeah, Sid was a little fucked up. I don’t think anyone would point to his behavior of disfiguring and blowing toys up to be positive. But, the dude was living with a lazy bum of a dad and for some reason had a room that resembled the workshop of a mad scientist, so the deck was stacked against him a bit.
Sid was angry, frustrated, and a little misunderstood. Also, the kid had no clue the subjects of his experiments were actually alive.
Woody has the voice of Tom Hanks. All he has to do is approach Sid and say “Hey champ, this is going to come as a shock to you, so sit down, but toys are alive. Yeah, insane, I know. Listen, stop chopping us up and blowing us to high hell. Also, don’t tell anyone or they’ll think you’re crazy.” Boom, problem solved. But nope, instead, Woody orchestrates an ambush of horrors and sends Sid into a spiral that likely ends in meth addiction and years of shock therapy. .
Image via YouTube
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
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Sid comes back in Toy Story 3. Only for a spilt second, we see him (in the same skull shirt) as a garbage man. Not sure if that means he is or is not a meth addict, but there’s a fun little fact for ya.
I mean, the guy is holding down a job. I’m proud of him.
Wearing the same skull shirt he wore as a little kid? Barrett’s summer fashion tips would do Sid wonders.
I almost cried when I saw the toys get re-used and enjoyed again in 3. It’s quite impressive how amazing both the sequels are in comparison to the original.
Only 2 more years til TS4
Ok so hear me out here. I think being a garbage collector would actually be a pretty chill job. Think about it: what’s the only downside? Yeah you kinda stink like shit, maybe permanently. But, the body has this neat-o response called olfactory fatigue, meaning if you are around smelly shit for awhile, it eventually doesn’t smell too bad to you.
Now some of you might be saying, “But what the hell are the perks?” To that I reply, if you smell all the time, nobody’s gonna notice if you get a little diet coke can filled with wine, or blaze a J out back before you start your shift. Aaaaaand garbage usually gets picked up early in the morning, so you are gonna be able to get off work at a decent hour, shower until you don’t stink like shit, and then go have some fun.
This opinion is not supported by any actual evidence or experience on my end, and my buddy and I came up with it when we were hammered drunk one night, but if the internet wasn’t made for developing and defending absolutely absurd takes (also porn), then I really don’t know what it’s all about, i guess.
And the question I always had….Are sex toys alive too?
if they are they’re probably also named Buzz and Woody
I like you
“You’ve got a friend in me…”
And do they enjoy their work or hate their lives with a passion.
Most underrated line in this movie is ” What are you looking at you hockey puck?” Also the Shark in the toy box is the shit
Look! I’m Woody! Howdy howdy howdy!
My mother will text me when she watches Toy Story to tell me she’s in tears because, “It’s your childhood.” Damn it mom I know you’re sad but I’m almost 30.
Adding to the second point, I think it would only be worse to be a toy as a museum exhibit or collectible. You can’t even move out of your box in those cases!
Watch toy story 2
Totally realized it was the plot to Toy Story 2 just after I posted it, which illustrated my idea far better than I ever could.